putting in time

ok.  the deep things.  the things that matter. to me.

time to be honest.  with me.

it matters to not be with people who feel like they are putting in time with me.
who don't answer when i call. or text. or message.  or email. or write letters. or call.
really.  not sure why i let it slide.
do i think so little of me?
i let things go.
i choose joy.
i give myself what i need.
but.
there is a but.
a but that i rarely go to.
but it would be nice
to be sought
to be asked
to be heard
to be missed
to be thought about
to be me
and still be
important
answer my text
my call
think of me
when i don't reach out
laugh with me
help with the conversation
i'm not very good at it
know me
and act on that
i don't need big and fancy
but i do need
knowing
being present
i do need to know
that there are people
who not only care
but are
vested
who don't put in time
because they should
or because it's nice
but because they want
to be
with me.
because i guess i realize now
that obligation
smarts for me
my ex was committed
in an obligatory fashion
and my whole heart and soul
cringe when they feel that

be real
be honest
be open
share your heart
let me see you
be
you
just be with me
being you

friends
i need that in life
i need depth
i need your
realness
i need you to know
that i'm
vulnerable
and a little
needy
but not so
fragile
that you can't
share
cry
ask for help

i can't
do all
of the effort
i can't make
you enjoy me
i can't
express how much it means to me
at least not without being
dubbed as weird

yes.
i am deep
and complex
and a pain in the ass

but i am loyal
and gentle
and fun
and smart
too

and i wish
that i had people
around
who
couldn't wait
to be with me
or talk to me
because
i'm worth more
thank putting in time
i'm worth
it
or
am i
i certainly wasn't
to my ex
not worth any
extra time
or sitting down
i wasn't worth being kind to
wasn't worth standing up for
wasn't worth buying new clothes for
wasn't worth really loving
only being committed
only worth a facade

and i don't have some huge extended family
that swoops in like most of you do
what i get
i get from you
you guys are my family
the family i chose, yes,
but still
family
but i don't want you to put in time
to make excuses about how you don't
"stay in touch with anyone, that's just not you"
or push me away by being distant.
i don't need that.
if you aren't all in
don't be in
just be truthful
walk away
say what you need
because really
i look over my
rather large group of
"friends"
and i wonder why it is
that my phone never rings
rarely texts
and that most contact is initiated by me
i'm guessing that there's just
something weird about me
and i can live with that
but don't hang out
because it makes you feel better
to
put in the time
nah
i like relationships
i like taking hours
i like being seen
and seeing
and being understood
and understanding
i like messy
and real
the fake crap?
i had a lifetime's worth
i don't need a bit more of it.
so.
don't put in time on my account
if you don't need me
just don't do it

yep, time to remember that it's ok
to have needs of my own.  ok to think
that sometimes people should show up