remembering

sometimes..not very often...but in moments of reflection and vulnerability, i remember my young hopes and dreams.  i remember the family that i dreamed of.  the wife that i wanted to be.  the relationship i wanted to build with my husband.  i remember how i dreamed of serving together, ministering together, playing together, laughing, praying and enjoying life.  not problem free, but safe, comfortable and resilient. i believed.  truly believed.  that it would be a blessed thing.  a team.  working together. walking together.  memorizing verses.  sharing meaning.  i really believed it.  really.  not some fantasy about how stuff would be perfect.  i believed that by working through things we could be a witness.  a testimony.  hope.
but.
though i had prayed about who i would marry.
though i prayed for years to be the woman that would actually make it..do it...
though i gave it all.
i wasn't enough to him.
wasn't even close.
he said words.
but he used me.
and sometimes, when i look back from here, it's very sad.  i had good motives.  i wanted to have a family where the kids felt special.  cherished.  i wanted to establish a heritage.
and i failed.
but god did not fail.
and though it's not what i hoped nor believed, my life can still be useful.  hopeful. encouraging.
but sometimes, when i look back on how optimistic i was, i feel simply foolish.
and then i feel thankful.
because being able to see good and hope for good is wonderful.  and though it doesn't always work out...sometimes it does.
blessings.

invitation

here i am.  i'm all ready to watch my week's worth of shows.  i've had a very busy, emotional, full of drama week. and i'm a bit raw.  but also, i'm ok.  so, all in all, life is good.
i came home tonight.  hung out with my kids a bit.  curled up to watch my shows.  and i thought about how i've come a long way. but how coming that long way has meant that i've had to learn about being invited...or not being invited.  as i drove home i realized that i have had to grow accustomed to being alone. i have had to learn not to intrude.  not to demand help or time or attention or affection or even friendliness.  i have had to learn that sometimes i'm just not invited into people's lives.  and i can be ok with that.  not meaning that it never stings, but that i survive.
i've quit doing the asking.
i've stopped making myself a nuisance.
and though it means being here.  well.  though it means alone.  though it means knowing that people i know do things and go places and have coffee and hang out and whatever.  though nobody ever says, hey you might like to come over because maybe life is hard.  and though it means that i'm not socially "out there".  i'm still ok.
at least i'm not feeling like i always have to do the asking.
like when i ask and it's as if it's......an inconvenience to come.  to be with me.
seriously.  i like this better than that feeling.
i'll just enjoy this.  as it is. though i am a bit of an outsider these days.  it's by choice to some degree.  i'm not willing to keep pushing my way in.  either people want me in their lives or they don't.  period.and my working hard to try to be "on the inside" doesn't make it true.  so, better to enjoy the time to sit in my jammies, watch my shows, putter around my house..even clean some more. :)  better just to live real.  i've put a lot of energy into including people, but i've realized that things have changed....and i need to accept them.
now, on to my shows........
blessings.

nutrition

i am doing serious work in my life regarding nutrition.  some days, i berate myself for not getting it better.  for not doing it sooner.  i don't mean a diet.  i mean nutrients.  food that feeds my cells and lets them do their jobs.  an added benefit is feeling full and satisfied without being bloated or constipated feeling...yes, i said constipated.  but i've been realizing that it's silly to put myself down.  we do what we learn as we go.  and it's never too late and never too little.  some nutrition is better than none....and i can build from there.
leading to....
nutrition for my soul.
my emotions.
my social life.
it's the same idea. i don't need to berate myself for the past.  i don't need to fix everything in the now.  i don't need to be a super christian.  i need to be real.  to do what i can today.  to live in a way that feeds my soul.  that feeds my emotional health.  and that helps me interact with others.
i know my weaknesses well.
i know that the truth is that there aren't a lot of people who count me in their top ten.
i know that several years ago, before i was even separated, let alone, divorced, i took a stand for some people and that stand cost me.  and it cost me all alone.  my husband of the time stood firmly.....away.  even the people i was standing for don't know.  not really.  the snide remarks that i batted down.  the judgements.  the cruelty.  it cost me dearly in the social world.  but as a human being?  it made me a better one.  though it means that some people now think about my divorce, "it figures"...remember how she was so adamant back then?  it's no wonder that she couldn't keep a husband.
funny how that thought just brought tears.
mostly because it's true.
it's those very things.
i don't allow people to be abused.  i will put myself in the line of fire.  i will deflect.  i will defend.
and no matter what people call it, it's something i like about myself.
guess i interfered.  it irritated.  life for me has never been the same.  i've never recovered socially.  i've never had the close relationships with my besties.
and it meant that when i faced my own abuse, i had to doing the standing for myself.  there are a few that are somewhat close.  but there is not a day that anyone else has stood between me and the ones that make life hard.
that's ok.  because i am learning how to feed my soul.  how to stop berating and start giving it what it needs.  not praying to be different but praying to be strong.  to be kind. to be loving.  no matter what that needs to look like for me.  i am learning to give the nutrients of the word of god to my soul not for the purpose of looking good....but to build up my soul so that i can be of use to others.  not so i can spout off the words to them...but so that i can give them the strength to get up one more time and as they see how i managed that, maybe they will be able to go to the words for themselves.  to find nutrition of their own.
nutrition.  the feeding of the very units that make up life.
i'm on it.  not perfectly by any means.  but on the right path.  even if the path is lonely.
blessings.

peace

let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.....
the lesson that i'm constantly learning is that i can be a catalyst of peace.
like a starter of dough.
i can work peace into situations.
let there be joy on earth and let it begin with me....
ok, i made that up,
but as i was writing, i began smiling as i remembered something that happened today.
i have difficulty remembering to send down my lunch count pouch.
i've been doing pretty well lately,
but i forgot again today.
i toted it down to the cafeteria in person and spent a few minutes telling the ladies how much i appreciate them and how well they do their jobs and how nice it is to have them taking care of our kids with smiles and so much care.......and i mean it....
and as i was outside the door, booking it back upstairs to get some work done before i had to go pick up the little buggers again....i heard
"isn't she so sweet."
and i skipped.  happy.
because i took a few minutes to express appreciation and give compliments...i took the time to actually say aloud what i think....and it made some people very happy.
yippee.
let me tell you...i've had a REALLY rough evening. drama.  blah. blech. yuck. ick.
and i haven't cussed. or called names.  even in my head.
and i put on my big girl panties and did what needed to be done.
and i kept it together when i was thinking how i get not an iota of sympathy anywhere. i am often shocked by how people basically tell me to buck up and how he gets so much "poor baby".  yikes.  really??  grow a pair.  and yet....it has caused me to evaluate.  to change.  to adjust.  to pray.  to hope.  to cry.  to laugh. to choose.  and though it sometimes feels like a donkey kick to the chest that takes away breath and leaves a whopping bruise that aches for a long time...i'm still here.  better.  kinder.  more real.  becoming.  and i am busily creating someone that will stand.  when the earth shakes.  when the seas roar.  when the heavens tremble.  someone who is not afraid of circumstances.  who chooses unswervingly to dwell in peace, love and joy.  not there yet...learning...but ever so happy to just be on the road.
rough night?  yes.  rough weeks?  that too.
good life?  most definitely.  abundantly.
blessings.

choices

so much comes at once.  sometimes it's hard to process it all.  it's hard to step back and realize that i have choices to make.  it is difficult to decide my course of action when the difficulties keep bombarding me.....like hailstones in a storm.  pelting.  and in those moments, it's too easy to become reactionary rather than purposefully choosing what i want and who i want to be.
the drama of graduation has already begun.   and every time i turn around it feels as if my kid is being sideswiped by hard news.....confusing for him...uncomfortable.  and i am in the midst of crises at school and the whole thing about graduation is that it was simple...and decided...and he was comfortable and then things started changing....and it threw him off.  pow. pow. pow.  but.  stop.  wait.  what do it want?  who do i want to be?
oh yes.  i remember.
son, what do you really want for your graduation and party?  ok.  i can take care of some of those things.  i will communicate with your dad and let him know so that you won't be in the middle.  some things i can't help with.  that's how life goes.  but i can do whatever it is that reduces him feeling like a pawn.  so i did.
done.
on with life.
i can't change whether his friends come to his party.
i can't change the fact that his dad's extended family is all coming in to town for his graduation after they didn't come to his brother's graduation at all. can you say awkward? or hurtful?
but, i can make sure that his dad knows that he doesn't want to have his graduation party at a vacation rental that the texas family is acquiring for their stay.  and i can make sure that all of them, including his dad, know that they are welcome for the party.
and i did.  though it's a hard thing, it's about my kid.  i will give him what i can.
my kids haven't gotten much sympathy nor kindness nor gentleness since the divorce.  they don't have anyone that seems to give a rip, actually.
nonetheless, there are things that i can do to alleviate the stress and help to keep things calm and peaceful in life.
my choice.
peace.
create it.
joy.
create it.
happy.
create it.
boy.....it has been quite a few days.  i feel pretty alone in it.
but, i choose to take a breath, make a choice and do what needs to be done.
blessings.

do you?

do you love me?
do you like me?
do you think i'm worth it?
do you wish that you could walk away?
do you feel like i'm a good thing in your life?
do you hope to know me for always?
do you find good in me?
do you see beauty in me?
do you?
because i am floundering.
unsure.
because i need words.
and i feel cut off.
and i only ask the questions in my head.
in my heart.
inside.
the words leak out in the form of tears.
caustic.
yet.
also cleansing.
healing.
true.
genuine.
because they are real questions.
they are the questions of my deepest fears.
do you think i'm enough to bother to stay?
do you stay because you are obligated?
do you sense my heart?
do you enjoy my company?
do you find happiness in my presence?
do you?
because i feel as if you would be more at ease without me.
as if i trouble you.
make you aggravated.
do you know that you're my hero?
do you realize that i trust you? even in the confusion.
do you know how much i appreciate you?
do you comprehend the blessing that you are in my life?
do you know how i want to keep knowing you?
do you feel troubled by that?
do you think that it would be easier if you were free of me?
do you stay out of a sense of past commitment?
do you?
because my heart is aching.
and i can't seem to get anything right.
i speak wrong.
act wrong.
every time i turn around i find that i've hurt you.
been insensitive.
foolish.
dense.
awkward.
i don't feel sure of you.
and that is a pain that cuts through my whole being.
because you matter.
you are valuable.
you are worthy.
you are special.
you are a friend.
a great friend.
and you matter.
you do.

grace.

No way.

I came home.  Kids and I ate dinner together and chatted.  I put away the food....put the pan to soak.  I know, that means, "I don't want to deal with this right now." Then, I went into my room and put on my pj's.  I crawled under my covers and thought how tired I was.  I picked up my phone to check the time.  6:07.  Yep.  True story.  Here I am.  All ready for bed while most preschoolers are still going strong!
In my defense, I was up really early today.
And I did live all out.
But still...
I think I better get up and wash that pan.
I'd feel better if I did.


and so i did.
and i loaded the dishwasher.
and wiped the counters.
and programmed the coffee pot for tomorrow morning.
and though it's only 6:40 now, at least i did something??

NOW i'm back under the covers.  jammies on still.  house locked up. heat turned down.  probably won't get up again.  unless i need another choco oatmeal drop.  but now i feel better because i did some things that would bug me if they were left undone.

have a great night.  maybe you are like me tonight and you just need some recovery/reboot time.  i hope that you have a chance to take it.  i'm doing it.  it's good for me.  i was emotional.  it sapped my pizzazz.  but NOT MY JOY.  so i'm gonna veg.

bless your heart. 

glorious day

i had a great day.  good times with my students.  success at home as far as dinner ready by putting in crockpot.  kitchen cleaned before i went to school.  bed made.  clean clothes.  today was assembly day and i had to speak to a crowd and i was blessedly calmer than usual.  i spoke with a parent that is a tough one and made progress.  i was successful in communicating goals to my teammates.  i was able to express my weaknesses.  i was up bright and early...520...bathed before school.  took care of my animals.  i was on time.  i did and participated in so many good things today.  i made people smile.  hugged people.  encouraged.  i took on responsibility.  i made at least three people laugh hard.  i. felt. proud.
i haven't often felt that way in the last years.  not for a long time.  just beginning to get there.  to soar a little bit.
but i crashed.
such a very splendid day.
flying.
wowed.
and a HARD day.
i had so much to do.  so many irons in the fire.
and i rocked it.
but.
i.
crashed.
i've spent the last half hour in tears
my face is burning from the salt.
my eyes are crusty.
because though i get it right in some places.....i get it wrong in others.
and it so very much frustrates. embarrasses.  humiliates. me.
i want to be just me.
relaxed.
silly.
laughing.
but sometimes.
i am just a pain in the ass.
and sometimes.
it's to the audience that i actually care about more.
and that is crushing.
but.
i took a breath.
let myself cry it out.
forgave myself.
and will start again.
that's all there is to do.
so i will.
but one day,
i'd like to not be the obnoxious one.
really.
i'd like it a whole lot.
blessings.
because still....
it was a glorious day.
tears and all.

the turtle

i feel like a turtle that is just coming out of hibernation.  living.  walking around.  kinda slow to get moving.  enjoying stretching.  enjoying the light.
but, also, i have that feeling of being a turtle because of how they put out their heads and the retract them if there is danger nearby.  if things aren't safe.  if there's trouble.  for a turtle, it's something that might eat them.  for me, it's being misunderstood, hurt, finding that i am indeed as unacceptable as my ex felt i was.
i am taking more risks each and every day.  i am making myself vulnerable.  trying to keep my head out.  trying to be brave.
and yet, still trying to be wise enough to protect myself from things that might utterly destroy the frail confidence that is growing within me.  it's like a new little seedling.  needs care and tenderness.
sometimes i am blindsided.  i don't realize that i should have kept my head in.  i should have remained still and quiet.  invisible.  there are times for that.  like a hibernating turtle...or a turtle that has awakened but is choosing to be protected in order to be safe from the environment.  i am still getting the knack of being myself...as weird as that sounds.
life was hard.  life is hard.  but it's so very good.
and risk is just that.  sometimes it turns out great and sometimes something snaps at you and you have to draw your head back in and regroup.
i need a few minutes to regroup today.
blessings.

figuring it out

i am figuring it out....
learning who i am.
learning to be exuberantly happy with that instead of just tolerating it.
my son liked this post that i borrowed from simple serene.
thought that i'd share it with you too:

blessings.