goodbye

i have a guy friend.  he's online.  we said ttyl, but in some ways it means goodbye. not a day has gone by this week that i haven't wanted to talk to him. but, we bantered one day about a snow day.  for just a moment...since it was a joke that we had shared earlier in the week.  but, ttyl means time for him to find a woman to date....because now that we know each other,he wants to date me.  and that is so kind.  but  not happening.  i am content single it turns out.  and, i like that my kids won't have to deal with another parent.  yet....i really liked him.  wanted to be friends.  wanted to go to coffee. wanted to get to know him as a person, not as a potential spouse.  but, we got along so well online.  we agreed so easily.  we enjoyed each other. and he found that he wanted more.  and if he can't have it with me, he wants to try anyway.  so, we agreed to ttyl.  we will check in.  no real rules.  but he needs to be free from wanting to know me more if he's going to pursue someone else.  we want different things.  but we also want to enjoy the amazing commonalities.  we just couldn't get past the fact that he is going to want to date and i'm not and i'd feel pressured or he would feel stifled.  i'm not upset.  it was one of the best conversations i've ever had with anyone.  ever.  we communicated.  we both shared what we wanted and needed.  we tried to do it together, but knew we couldn't, so we allowed one another space to grow.
it's hard.
and beautiful.
and it taught me so much.
blessings

doing less

doing less.  being less.  expecting less.

i give wholeheartedly.  not to everyone.  to a select few.  yet.  somehow.  i find that i give over the top and maybe just have to scale it back.  i've been trying.  it feels....uncomfortable.  i like spoiling.  i like giving.  i like spending big amounts of time with a few rather than equal amounts of small time with a lot.

but i am weird.  even to the ones who love me.  and i know that they do.  but i am too weird or complex to get, i guess.

i love celebrating my good friends.  love it.  like, i can barely stand not doing it.

i used to make elaborate plans to take my best friend out.  i enjoyed spoiling her.  i loved planning a day out.  it was a way to give of myself.  but...she felt awkward or because not all of our friends get that from someone.  so, i quit.  then it was a dinner or a  lunch.  an evening celebrating all of the birthdays of the month.  but, it's not the same.

i am working on doing less.  working on letting it be ok to just be ordinary.  but.  it's not.  it means not being me.

today was a hard day.  i am having to let go of someone i met and i have to act all normal about this whole learning to do less.  i haven't felt well and it makes me tired....but, so does this emotional thing.

i just want to be me.  i want to CELEBRATE.  i want my desire to do so to be seen as...a gift...not a thing to put up with.

today was a hard day.

resting until i pick up my daughter.  then straight to bed.

jubilee

this is my year of jubilee.  my 50th year.  i turn 50 in april.  i have planned a trip in july to celebrate.  i rented a house that can sleep 15 people.  i invited people.  i got a lot of wishy washy answers....it was a little disheartening.  but, to be fair, i didn't say, "this is my big deal for my birthday because most years i don't do a whole lot...".  this year i want to do this thing.  i want people that i care about to come.  whoever can.
getting divorced changed me.  i used to wait for others to decide.  i used to wait to be "celebrated".  now, i am going to celebrate.  no matter what.  no matter who can come.  i chose the date.  i chose the place.  i chose to include and pay.  i chose.  and it felt good.  even if nobody else comes.  i am peaceful.  however the trip ends up will be right.  i just have to remember that nobody is accepting or rejecting me..they are just doing what they need to do.  gotta remember that.  because i am still smarting from over twenty years of rejection.  i am still hurting from how my ideas weren't good.  how my dreams were ridiculous.
maybe they are.  but they are mine.  my dreams.  my hopes.  my desires.  because being with people i love is my priority as i turn the corner to the last third of my life.  most likely about 2/3 done. maybe half? :)  and i want to be sure that i do, say and experience the things that life has to offer.  i want to pay the cost.  i want to do it.  period. but all i can do is ask.  offer.  and enjoy what comes.  be present in what is.
it's the last summer of having a high schooler.  mind boggling.  i am going to breathe in every bit...deeply.  i'm going to jump and do the crazy, fun and silly stuff.  i am going to choose not to always look responsible.  i want a life that's memorable. i want my memories to be full of beauty and laughter.  i want my life to be full.
i want the JUBILEE.  not the mundane.  i choose more.  i choose to keep asking.  to keep reaching out.  to keep choosing to find the moments to remember.
blessings.

Clothes

I am  coming out of my cocoon.  Out of my shell.  I'm looking for a style.  I don't know what it will be yet.  Not exactly.  But not as nondescript as it has been.  Not bright.  But pleasant, classy.  I want my clothes to reflect the joy of my inside.  

I'm content.  I'm learning to be content with my bigger body.  This menopause thing is tricky.  On one hand, I am happy and content, but on the other, my body feels foreign.  I could work at it really hard.  I'm not sure that I want to.  Maybe.  

But mostly, I just want to be healthy.  I just want to be who I am..not how I'm supposed to look.  I just want to remember that my job is to accept and love me.  Then, I can do the same for others.  I'm working on it.  Accepting while at the same time understanding that I can change.

This is what I desire.  I want to be authentic.  I want to reflect on the outside the peace on the inside.  But I don't want to remain invisible.  I like wearing black and brown.  I like classics.  But I can have a style that is not hiding.  I'm working on it.  Slowly. I know what I am tired of being.  It's just taking some time to get to what I want to be.

blessings.

beginnings...and endings....and beginnings

the ebb and flow.  the constant movement.  the human experience.  i have had a person to "talk" to on the internet.  it's lovely.  we don't want to date....except, he does.  he wants more.  and i can't.  won't.  i had to say again that i didn't want that....that i am not sure when i ever will.  i had to say that meeting and being together would be a problem.  i'm tactile.  touch.  he had said that he wasn't sure what he would do with touch after so many years.  i can't live with the constant monitoring of my self and actions and what it is "saying".

but the thing is...i like him.  i like his mind.  i like his thoughts.  i like his depth.  i'm just not ready to be a we.  i need to be a me.

so,i let him know that i got that he wanted to date others etc.  but...he views it a relationship.  he couldn't do a friendship of such depth and go date someone else.

i can't figure it out.  i'll miss him if he disappears, but i will not be comfortable enough to make an us.  my kids are not fragile, but we are enjoying one another.  my ex is moving someone else here to town.  my kids are uncomfortable...mostly because he's seeking some kind of blessing and they shouldn't have to answer that for him.  he should know what he wants and tell them..tell them what he is doing.

anyway...beginnings...endings...beginnings...endings...beginnings.....life.

i know it's the right choice for me...i'm happy.

but it was fun.

blessings.

Surely goodness...and mercy...

Goodness .  Mercy.  Following me.  At least now.  Maybe for the rest of my life?  Life is so very different than when this blog began.  I am a divorced woman.  I don't like that I am divorced and I am thrilled that I am divorced.
Sound strange?  You've probably never been divorced.  I have a sense of failure.  Of being tainted.  Of having a scarlet D emblazoned on my soul.  I have lost much.  Many don't bother with me.  My used to be friends don't invite me anywhere.  They don't really snub me if I seek them out...well, actually, they generally say no if I invite them to do anything.  But, still, I'm learning to talk to my acquaintances.  I don't have a list of people who give a rip about how my day was or check on whether I'm still breathing.  I tried for the longest time to keep up with those things with them...but, I'm just feeling silly about it.
Ya know, if you say, "hey would ya like to...." and nobody says, sure, I'd love to do anything with you...well...frankly, it says a lot.
But, I've grown.  I'm smiling as I write this.  Because...I'm ok.  The loss after divorce was crushing.  I didn't miss my ex, but I missed the people I had thought were family.  The people that I thought we'd always "be there".  The people that I thought we could call anytime day or night.  I realized awhile back that I had thought that...but I was wrong.  I had overstepped in the midst of my hard nights and difficult times right before and during the divorce.  I had texted or called when it was too late.  I was...embarrassed.  But, I have since forgiven myself.  I was living through hell.  Though I couldn't even put it to words, I was barely hanging on back then.  I needed to connect in those night hours.  I did what I needed to.  I can't feel sorry about it.  I can feel embarrassed that I assumed that people were willing, but what good would it do?
But, life has marched on.  I live alone except for my daughter.  I have very few people that ever contact me.  I work hard.  I've met some nice people..no life long kinds of friends, but good, kind people.
I am surrounded by goodness.  and mercy.  and kindness.  I am carried.  I can literally feel it.  Every day.  Every hour.
I am walking.  I am smiling.  I am joyful.  I am kind.  I give myself over to being vulnerable.
I blow it big.
The other day I was heartbroken for someone.  I tried to tell someone else.  Came off as gossip, to my horror.  I was just reducing the weight, the pain.  Desiring help and empathy for this other friend.  But, I blew it.  Hmmm.  So,it means telling the person that I was talking about.  It means being authentic and not trying to be more than I am.
But that moment.  The moment when it was assumed that I was doing something bad without hearing my heart or intentnions....that very moment reminded me of why this post divorce time has been painful,  It's like I gave up the right to ever be allowed the benefit of the doubt from people who cared about me.  Everything is suspect.  I've tried to fix it.  I walked on eggshells for a long time.  Then, I thought, bag it...I just have to live.
So, that's what I do.  I live.  Fully.  Embracing. The. Goodness.  THE.  GOODNESS.  and being embraced by Him.
And I'm ok.  More than ok.  Totally content and at peace and full of faith.  FULL.
Sometimes I wish I could have back my friends who called or swung by.  My friends who said yes.  But, not if it comes with my old life.  I guess you can't have it all.  But you can have good.  You can have wonderful.  Even if it has a side of heartache.