doing less

doing less.  being less.  expecting less.

i give wholeheartedly.  not to everyone.  to a select few.  yet.  somehow.  i find that i give over the top and maybe just have to scale it back.  i've been trying.  it feels....uncomfortable.  i like spoiling.  i like giving.  i like spending big amounts of time with a few rather than equal amounts of small time with a lot.

but i am weird.  even to the ones who love me.  and i know that they do.  but i am too weird or complex to get, i guess.

i love celebrating my good friends.  love it.  like, i can barely stand not doing it.

i used to make elaborate plans to take my best friend out.  i enjoyed spoiling her.  i loved planning a day out.  it was a way to give of myself.  but...she felt awkward or because not all of our friends get that from someone.  so, i quit.  then it was a dinner or a  lunch.  an evening celebrating all of the birthdays of the month.  but, it's not the same.

i am working on doing less.  working on letting it be ok to just be ordinary.  but.  it's not.  it means not being me.

today was a hard day.  i am having to let go of someone i met and i have to act all normal about this whole learning to do less.  i haven't felt well and it makes me tired....but, so does this emotional thing.

i just want to be me.  i want to CELEBRATE.  i want my desire to do so to be seen as...a gift...not a thing to put up with.

today was a hard day.

resting until i pick up my daughter.  then straight to bed.