this is my year of jubilee. my 50th year. i turn 50 in april. i have planned a trip in july to celebrate. i rented a house that can sleep 15 people. i invited people. i got a lot of wishy washy answers....it was a little disheartening. but, to be fair, i didn't say, "this is my big deal for my birthday because most years i don't do a whole lot...". this year i want to do this thing. i want people that i care about to come. whoever can.
getting divorced changed me. i used to wait for others to decide. i used to wait to be "celebrated". now, i am going to celebrate. no matter what. no matter who can come. i chose the date. i chose the place. i chose to include and pay. i chose. and it felt good. even if nobody else comes. i am peaceful. however the trip ends up will be right. i just have to remember that nobody is accepting or rejecting me..they are just doing what they need to do. gotta remember that. because i am still smarting from over twenty years of rejection. i am still hurting from how my ideas weren't good. how my dreams were ridiculous.
maybe they are. but they are mine. my dreams. my hopes. my desires. because being with people i love is my priority as i turn the corner to the last third of my life. most likely about 2/3 done. maybe half? :) and i want to be sure that i do, say and experience the things that life has to offer. i want to pay the cost. i want to do it. period. but all i can do is ask. offer. and enjoy what comes. be present in what is.
it's the last summer of having a high schooler. mind boggling. i am going to breathe in every bit...deeply. i'm going to jump and do the crazy, fun and silly stuff. i am going to choose not to always look responsible. i want a life that's memorable. i want my memories to be full of beauty and laughter. i want my life to be full.
i want the JUBILEE. not the mundane. i choose more. i choose to keep asking. to keep reaching out. to keep choosing to find the moments to remember.
blessings.
getting divorced changed me. i used to wait for others to decide. i used to wait to be "celebrated". now, i am going to celebrate. no matter what. no matter who can come. i chose the date. i chose the place. i chose to include and pay. i chose. and it felt good. even if nobody else comes. i am peaceful. however the trip ends up will be right. i just have to remember that nobody is accepting or rejecting me..they are just doing what they need to do. gotta remember that. because i am still smarting from over twenty years of rejection. i am still hurting from how my ideas weren't good. how my dreams were ridiculous.
maybe they are. but they are mine. my dreams. my hopes. my desires. because being with people i love is my priority as i turn the corner to the last third of my life. most likely about 2/3 done. maybe half? :) and i want to be sure that i do, say and experience the things that life has to offer. i want to pay the cost. i want to do it. period. but all i can do is ask. offer. and enjoy what comes. be present in what is.
it's the last summer of having a high schooler. mind boggling. i am going to breathe in every bit...deeply. i'm going to jump and do the crazy, fun and silly stuff. i am going to choose not to always look responsible. i want a life that's memorable. i want my memories to be full of beauty and laughter. i want my life to be full.
i want the JUBILEE. not the mundane. i choose more. i choose to keep asking. to keep reaching out. to keep choosing to find the moments to remember.
blessings.
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