fearless

i sat this afternoon on my bed and stared at the sign on my wall: "fearless".  and i contemplated it.  i was having a going away party tonight for my son's family....with my three grandkids.  they are moving to iowa.  and yesterday i realized that i should invite my ex....it's a big deal that they are moving...it's a family deal....so, i texted him and asked if he'd be interested in coming.  he asked what he should bring.  he brought bread.  i wish that it was easier for me.  i try hard to do the brave thing...the right thing...the good thing.  but this was difficult.  because old habits die hard.  i felt.....invisible again.  different than i usually do.  but i did it anyway.  i worked hard most of the day to get ready, but planned in some reflect and rest time in the middle.  it helped me to be prepared.

he has boundary trouble.  he came.  he stayed after everyone else had left.  and i know that he misses it.  i know that he's not evil incarnate.  i know that he's a person who feels.  i know that he lost a lot.  but it's still hard for me.  three years later and it's still hard.  i'm healing, but being with him pushes me into an awkward place.  uncomfortable.  because i always try to make things better for him.  always.i get pushed back into some mold.  some place of the past.  unless i keep my distance.  i am cordial. i speak when necessary.  i'm not cold.  nor harsh.  i forgive.  i'm not angry.  i'm not stewing.  i simply can't invite him back into my heart.  because he broke my heart.  he spent years making me less so that he could feel like more.  and. i. just. can't.
can't.
won't.
i choose peace.
i choose joy.
i choose freedom.
i choose love.
i choose.
and i chose to invite.
and it meant a lot to him.
he texted to say so.
and
i'm glad.
but i still need boundaries.  i still need parameters that are not crossed.
because i am at risk.
why?
i loved well.  i prayed to change.  to make him happy.  to be the wife i needed to be.  i prayed all for his good.  and what i got in return was pain.  not being enough.  being too sassy.  encouragement. no.  looked at in a way that made me feel safe and secure?  no.  but i still loved.  i still chose to keep going.
and that attitude is dangerous to my heart.  and i need to be wise.
but, i can be brave and wise.  and i can do hard things....but still choose peace.  it's possible.  i am held in god's hand.  and he is not offended by me.  nor is he mad when i feel weak and scared.  somehow that comforts me deeply.
i want to live with a fearless heart.........with courage that comes from trusting god.

blessings.