goodbye

i had a rough childhood.   i lived in many different places.  i was loved by some.  tolerated by others.  and despised and demeaned by a few.  it was not an easy upbringing.  my mom died when i was young.  my father was already gone.  and nobody......took charge of my heart.  i was fed.  i was clothed.  but, everyone just always expected me to perform and do well, so, for the most part, i did.
when i was at the end of fourth grade, i went to live with my father's parents.  my gram loved me.  she bantered and cajoled.  she cooked and cleaned and sewed and played games.
but my grandfather.  he was a different story.  he hated my father.  his son.  he said hateful things to me.  he was the one that told me that i'd never do anything with my life because i'd basically just whore myself out and be pregnant by the time i was 16.  he told me that my dad never loved my mother.  he told me that i was important because i was his little tax deficit.....and, until i asked someone, i thought that he had said something kind.  he wasn't nice to many people.  he was bigoted and had a mean streak.
but, gram was there...and she did all of my caretaking, so it was ok.
until it wasn't.  until i finally had to go live somewhere else.  away from the stress.  i still saw my gram.  but, my grandfather died while i was living elsewhere.  a young death.  in his fifties.
my gram was a constant.  even though she was bullied in later life by one of her sons.  he took care of her and wanted her to himself.  he had her to holidays...which i wasn't invited to....and she was "afraid" to upset him by coming to my home.  for years i would just swing by her apartment because if i called, she would have an excuse of why it wasn't convenient.
later, i would call but she did not.  after awhile, i called about twice a year.  i loved hearing her voice.  so familiar.
but, time went by and as she became more dependent on her son, i talked to her less and less.  i finally got her on the phone last year.  my uncle's wife was with her.  it was obvious that gram had alzheimers.  but she remembered things and she shared them with me.  we talked.  my aunt said that i could come see her, that she'd take my number and call me in a day or so when it was convenient.  i never heard from her.  then i finally found my other aunt, my gram's daughter, on facebook.  she accepted my friendship.  she said that we'd get together after she got gram settled in her "home" and that we could go there.  but, she never did.  and when i wrote, she didn't respond anymore.
then, last night, i was on facebook and my aunt had posted one of those memes about "for those of us who have a mom in heaven"....and i gasped.  my heart skipped a beat.  my breath came heavy.  and i typed my gram's name on the search bar.........and there was her obituary.  it was from months ago........when i had been communicating with my aunt.  but, nobody had even told me that my gram had died.  i didn't know and i didn't get to go to her funeral.  i don't know if she is buried or if she is cremated or..........where she is.
how cruel.  how unkind.
my tears flow randomly down my cheeks.  it's not because i saw my gram all of the time, but because i had always held out hope that at some point my family would be back together.  that we would have a holiday.  that........it wouldn't always cause my gram stress to have to "choose".  how stupid is that?  you don't have to choose.  you just.......love them all.
the lack of compassion squeezes at my heart.  it literally closes my throat.  how can anyone be that way?  i don't understand.  i never did.
but, it will be ok.
i have no living grandparents left.  and i am sad.
so sad today.
just had to take a few moments and be sad.
just have to grieve without feeling stupid.
how shameful it feels to not even have been told.  like it's.......my fault.
but, my gram knew me.  and when it was her alone at home and i called, she would be herself and talk.  she understood when i divorced.  it will all be ok.  eventually.
but for now....i just can't quit thinking, "who does that?"
and........."wow".
i know i'm in a form of shock.  i was alone when i found out.  and really, there's not anyone to explain it to.  i'll just have to get through it.
blessings.