Invisible No More

Something really good happened yesterday.  And, though I wrote last night, I couldn't find the words for what I wanted to say in my very tired brain.  They were still rattling 'round in my heart....like clothes in the dryer on the fluff cycle.  So, I laid down and fell asleep and dreamed and awoke....and when I did, it was time to write.  Though my body is still very tired, my brain was ready to "work".
So, I got a birthday gift yesterday.  I know, and I didn't even tell you that it was my birthday.  Well, it wasn't.  It's a little over six months since my birthday passed.  But, a friend was creating a piece of art....for me.  Yesterday it was finally complete.  This friend has an artist's heart.  She is compassionate and she can pull so many things together in one piece of beauty.  She told me that it was done.  Invited me over to watch a favorite show later on.  But, in my rounds of delivering kids, I was there at her house and got to see my present.  It's (I paused here for a long time trying to put it to words) simply beautiful.  Oh, the art is wonderful, the techniques that she has used are amazing, and the words she implemented, absolutely,  incredibly, perfect.
Not invisible.  Here.  Precious in His sight.
It felt like it must feel when someone has their lung punctured in a car accident and is waiting for the medics to "reinflate" it.  The burst of air must be a huge relief.  And, the breath that entered my chest was huge.  Deep.  Life giving.  Hope giving.  Oh yes, the art itself was lovely, IS lovely.  But the sense of being known and cared about..........priceless.  Who can adequately describe a piece of art to someone?  It just doesn't happen.  Because art is more than its elements.  It has life and heart.  It has meaning and inspiration.  And this piece gave me exactly what I needed all wrapped up in beauty.  My friend gave me a tangible, visible gift that reached into my heart and pulled out my hurts and hopes and showed me that she chooses to know me.  Chooses to care.  She took what she knew of me and mixed it with the wonders of who she is and made something amazing.  Just like our friendship.
I don't know how she did it.  How it all came to her.  But I know that one portion came to her while she was in the hospital having surgery.  They gave her some pain meds that didn't work for her and she had hallucinations in the night.  In that time, she needed paper to write down the thought that came to her about my birthday present.  That will always make me laugh.
She and I have been through many things through the years.  Really good and fun things.  Really deep things.  Really difficult things.  Really funny things.  You name it.  And we've both been strong.  And both been weak.  Very different.  Yet, with important enough similarities to unite us.  And the fact that she could condense my life at the moment to a few words and touch me so deeply is life changing.
I forget sometimes.  Forget that when the world is running all around like crazy people and that nobody sees who I am or cares....I forget the simple fact that she has......and does.  Maybe because I'm so afraid that she won't anymore.  Yes, that is truly it.  Like trying to brace myself against the "inevitable"......because I thought that if I did it right in the rest of my life that it would make it good.  Thought that I would be loved.  Then, I thought that if I behaved the right way that it would hold it all together.  But, nothing holds someone to us.  Only their choice.  Sometimes, I forget how she chose to be my friend.  Not by accident, but purposefully.  And, more than that........has chosen to stay.
The physical gift itself is a thing of beauty, but the kindness which it represents is beyond describing.  A true lifetime gift.
Not invisible.
Here.
Precious in His sight.
It makes me feel............treasured.
grace to you.

Me

I am uniquely created.  With parts and pieces that nobody else has.  I have purposes that nobody else can imagine.  I am full of talents and gifts, hopes and dreams.  I am able to do so many things....and the failures along the path do not diminish my importance.  I am valuable.  No amount of money could replace me.  Yet, I don't really know how to put a finger on exactly what my purpose in the world is.  If I were to be gone today, I'm not exactly sure what mark I would have left.  It doesn't really matter though.  Just living and loving is enough.  But I do have to try to remember my importance.  Not because I need to bolster my ego, but because remembering allows me to allow myself to dream big dreams and try hard things. 
Sometimes it feels like it's not enough just being me.  That I disappoint. That I'm not smart enough . Or pretty enough.  Or talented enough.  I allow me to be defined by those outside of me.  And that is simply wrong.  Nobody else was made to be me.  Nobody else knows what me should be.  And those who really choose to love me will want to make me into the best me...not into the best them. 
I'm me.  Who are you? 
grace to you.

Gifts

The most seemingly simple things can be the greatest gifts.  A moment of time.  A smile.  A shared thought.  A laugh.  A hug.  Just little things that can make hard days easier.  That can make difficult times possible.  The best kinds of gifts are not picked up at stores.  They are given from the heart.  They come from knowing someone and seeing them.  It can even be the gift of letting go.  Of moving on.  Of forgiving.  Of taking the time to remember good moments.  Of being able to share difficult things.  The best gift in the world is relationship.  Without it, the most expensive baubles and bling have very little meaning.  With it, the most simple things mean everything.
I have been given many kinds of gifts.  Tonight was one of the best.  A moment of calm in the midst of my hurricane.  It sure helped me. 
grace to you.

Unfortunate

Went online again today...looking for what christian women in troubled christian marriages can do.  Pray.  Submit.  Wait.  It's painful for me to go to these sites.  I cringe every time.  It's basically a "make him happy" world.  And, that divorce is never an option.  Ever. 
Depresses me.  On each page it comes off that the marriage depends on the wife.  And...perhaps...most likely.....that is because so often it does.  And, when she can't hold it all together anymore, it falls apart. 
I want to remain open.  But, I don't want to carry it anymore.  I want to live life.  And for that I feel labeled as a sinner.  Unredeemed.  Unbelieving.  Because I should just trust that it's how it should be.  But, he has no interest in me.  Sex yes.  Me no. 
However, today I was reading differently.  Learning how to change my life.  Learning how to change myself.  Learning how to grow...not for him.  Learning that I am allowed to be my own person.  Married or not.  Learning what the Bible says and how it's interpreted.  Learning.  But, all of the learning and understanding that I do will not stop the fact that I am done.  That it's my fault.  That it's my choice.  So, that's how it is.  Unfortunate but true.  And I can't let it keep me from living.  I've done so for too long.  So, I will suck it up and read it, hear it, understand it.....and go ahead and live. 
grace to you

When God Shows

You know, we pray, we think, we plan.  We wonder.  We agonize.  And our prayers are often "in the dark," not knowing what is coming or how we really need to be praying.  But, when we keep praying.  Keep believing....eventually, we see God.  We see what He has been working on all along.  We see the pieces fall together.  We see the beauty of what is possible only through Him. 
And it's lovely.  Inspiring.  Heart lifting.  It is what some call chance or luck, but I know that I have seen God so many times in life.  And He does what is extraordinary. 
I've seen Him.  Seen His work.  And, I have to say...He's amazing.  Hope you've had a chance to meet Him, because He knows you......and absolutely adores you.
grace to you.

Fun Times

Easy to become entrenched in the day to day blahs...but there is so much in life to be thankful for.  There are so many blessings that are easily overlooked.  New eyes.  New perspective is demanded in order to live a life full of seeing and enjoying. 
Someone told me that I can't possibly think of going on this way for nearly 5 more years.  But, if I really work on my perspective, perhaps I can.  I did it for years within trying to make my marriage work, so maybe it will work to do it now when it's over but not done since there are some things to finish.  Things like raising kids, getting regular work.  Things that matter.  Also, learning to dream again.  Learning to put actions to those dreams.  Learning to say I can. 
Years ago my grandpa hurt me more than he ever had.  He took me aside...out to dinner....while I was in high school and told me that he thought that I shouldn't go right to a regular college, that I should go to a junior college and work my way up.  He said that my life had been hard.  That I might not be ready.  I loved my grandpa.  What he said stung.  But, instead of backing down, I said, "watch me."  I can do it.  I will do it.  How come you don't think I'm able?  And, I was.  I never had less than a 3.0.  I worked well.  I made friends.  I learned and grew and served.  He was the man I respected most, but I was able to stand up for myself. 
That lets me know how beaten down I've been since then.  How it wasn't my childhood that has caused this overwhelming sense of fear, or failing.  Nope.  It has been my marriage. 
But though that hasn't worked out as I had planned, hoped, wished, prayed, desired........life is not over.  There are fun times ahead.  Genuinely wonderful times.  Even today! 
So, starting today, I am going to remember to scoop up the fun times like sand on the seashore.  I am going to sift each one through my hands enjoying it fully.  I am going to build them altogether to make beautiful memories.  A castle made of my memories of fun times. 
grace to you.

Laughter is Good Medicine