Pain

I've learned a lot about physical pain in the last many years of my life. Mostly, I've learned that it can be relentless.  My body does better now.  I am better.  But the pain does not go away.  I've sometimes wondered if it ever shows.  Wondered if getting used to it was a bad idea.  But, I don't think so.  I am glad to not be on drugs.  Glad not to be missing out on life.  And, generally, I have become a master at managing it.  However, this last week or so has nearly kicked my butt.  I need to get back on to taking all of my nutritional stuff AND eating well AND exercising.  I need it.  It helps.  It also helps with this belly fat that just makes me less comfortable.
I find myself deep breathing again.  Haven't done that so much in the past year.  Mostly, I do better at taking care of me in the first place.  I guess I've kind of fallen down on the job.  I've been too busy.  Too much chaos.  Not enough still and quiet.  That is coming.  I have planned it in.  I need to remember it.  Take the time in my mornings.  I have gotten so intent on getting work done before I go to work and coming home and doing work.  Last night, just before dark, I was out getting rid of some weeds that have been bothering me.  And work isn't bad.  It's just that I had been going since six am.  I need to build chill time into each day.  And a vacation every year at least.  It's what I need.  Right now, I'm working for my beach time.  And I'm not whining about the work.  It's actually a good thing.  I just need to find balance.  Again.  New job.  New schedule with the kids home.  It will happen.  I am able.
The good news is that in this new stage of life, I am able to make changes and choices.  I am able to go to bed earlier.  Or take a nap.  Or buy what I need to be eating.  I am able to just feel lousy and not have to make it all better for my ex.  That was wearying.
My body hurts.  But my spirit is joyous.  Flying.  Exhilarated.  I am alive.  I am thankful.  Pain is just  a thing.The thorn in my side.  The splinter in my finger.  It's not going to steal the precious things.  Love.  Peace.  Joy.   Hope.  Gentleness  Patience.  I hold those closer than the pain.  And yet, embrace the pain as a reminder rather than a foe.  A reminder that life is short and should be lived fully.  Completely.  Might as well use up every little bit of it.  No good saving it for......death.  Kinda silly,
My attitude and choices will affect me more than what is hurting.  Guess that's why God said to focus on good, on excellent.  Guess that's why He showed me all of those people in the Bible with struggles and hurts.  To give me courage.  To make me fearless.  To let me see that a life is a gift and can change the world.  But only if the liver of the life doesn't give up.  Give in.  Give out.  Only if they give it back to God to make possible.  He makes my life work.  Even with pain.
I love my life.
blessings.

confidence

i sat at my temp job today and trained on four different items.  then you have to qualify to score them by testing.  frankly, i always find it nerve racking.  and, add to the mix that i haven't scored in a year...let alone led a table.  couldn't remember how to fill out my online time card.  or how to log in to the computer.  really. and yet.  i've changed.  i remember previous years.  i was nearly sick.  going out is hard for me.  getting out of my comfort zone.  it exhausts me.  and i have to really push myself to get out there and do it.  but as i sat in my place today, i realized that my confidence has grown in the last year.  there was less....panic feelings.  i realized the things that i didn't know or remember and i asked.  there will be more as we enter the new scoring time, but it will be ok....i stopped at one point today and remembered to trust my brain.  it works pretty well at the scoring "game".  if i just slow down and trust myself to remember and do it right.  as a matter of fact, the only thing that i missed today was an item that they had not trained us on.  one question out of forty.  not bad for being rusty.
and my confidence is growing in other areas too.  in being able to make a pretty yard.  i have spent years wanting it at this house.  and this year it is finally beginning.  one plot is coming into it's beauty.  and it makes me look around and see what else i can do.  where else i can beautify.
then there's my family.  confidence that i haven't ruined their lives.  that god is still at work pulling them to himself.  that i am not a lost cause as a mother.  though sometimes i still struggle.
i am confident that being fearless is possible.  that i am growing and learning and moving in the direction that i should be.
fearless.  moving.  confident.  because of faith.  hope.
it's a journey.
hard to undo those years of being beaten down.  but, looking back to a year ago, i can see that it IS  happening.  slowly.
i am thankful.
blessings.

a good life

i was just thinking how good my life is.  kids that are growing.  learning to love god.  without me controlling or interfering.  i know...unbelievable, right???  but it's true.  god has it!  i talk about who he is and what he has done.  i give him credit.  i don't make it about all of the stuff that religion makes it about.  it is about relationship.  him.  with each of them.  no middle man.  or middle mom.  i am growing.  learning.  too.  i love my crazy, sometimes lazy, funny, sad, wonderful kids.  immensely.  as they are.  where they are.
and i have others.  friends.  family.  people.  in relationship.
a good life.   a trulygood and happy life.  without having to pretend.
i'm pretty stoked.

attitude matters

today is an attitude matter.  i don't want to go work a temp job.  right now i just want to chill and have some fun.  i've worked me bum off for months.  but then there is this place in me that knows that i not only need to...but that it's good for me.  that having vacation money will be nice.  that it's a blessing.  but it's amazing how easy it is to cultivate an unthankful rather than thankful attitude.
yes, i would like to stay home for a few days.  but really, i am so blessed.  i had yesterday off.  i have the weekend off.  yes, i have work.  and work is a good thing.  next friday i'll get money in the bank.  and the next.  and the next.  that's awesomeness.  so, i'll quit whining and begin thanking.  begin remembering the good.
it's a choice.  i'm good at making the choice.  that's what made me able to stay in a bad marriage for so very long.  i choose to find good.
off to find it!
blessings.

rainy days

i love rainy days.  i find them...peaceful.  but i also like getting stuff done on rainy days.  it feels good.  i have laundry in.  have worked in my kitchen a bit.  german pancakes cooking.  my oh my, i'm hungry.  i like the feeling of being genuinely hungry and not eating for the hell of it or eating to fill the void.
i am done fussing over my ex.  i survived graduation.  i am a survivor.  no matter if anyone understands, even if i don't understand....getting away from him was imperative.  he was toxic to my soul.  to spiritual growth.  to love.  to kindness. to compassion.  he took all i had and used it but didn't appreciate it or revel in it.  i am learning the difference.  i am choosing more wisely who to be close to.  and who to let close to me.  i am more open and silly with people....even at work.  yet.....there is a cautious aspect too.  i don't want pretend. i don't want to be used anymore.  i just want to be friendly.  kind.  genuine.  but if someone can't just take that, then i don't want to stick around and keep trying to do better.  to be more.  to be....whatever it is that they think i should do or be in order to be right to be friends with them.
i'm just me.  reflective.  introspective.  silly  courageous.  scared spitless.  adventurous.  calm.  quiet.  rambunctious.  i am a whole stew of opposites.  me.  full of wonder and surprises.  easily amused.  or amazed.  easily pleased.  quick to choose laughter.  a heart that breaks easily.  much more easily than people see.
it's a rainy day.  but the sun has peeked through.  i have cleaned some.  cooked some.  thought some.  played some.  i like to putter around doing what strikes my fancy.

a day off

tomorrow i begin my temp job.  yesterday i ended my full time teaching job for the summer break.  but today.  glorious today.  full of hours to do as i choose...and as i need.  i am blessed beyond words to have the gift of time.  the gift of love and friends and kids.   i am going to treasure this day.  hold it in my heart.  until i get to have a break.
i am full of heart.  of thankfulness.  for rain.  for painting.  for washing machines.  yes, washing machines.  i am so glad that i don't have to beat my clothes on a stone in a river.  i am thankful for the opportunity to find purpose in this day.
life is such a treasure...but sometimes it seems hidden by the constant demands.  i am learning to get to a place of appreciating life itself.  the moments. not allowing it to disappear under my to do list.
breath.  so thankful to breathe.
i hope that your day finds you thankful.  and if it hasn't yet, cultivate one or two...you'll be surprised at how they grow when nurtured.
blessings.

money

in my marriage money was an issue.  a big issue.  always.  no matter how frugal i would be.  nor how spendy.  it just didn't matter.  i was always "in trouble".  the world was always coming to an end.  buying presents was practically taboo.  he caused guilt.  to all.  he was stingy.  he was without a giving heart unless it made him look good.  he just didn't give.  not from his heart.  not to me.
but, this weekend i heard that he gave one of our sons $500 towards buying a car.  and then he gave another $500 to the graduating son that doesn't speak with him.  the son is going to cash the check.  going to invest it.  but it is odd.
my son feels...bought.  but hey, it's a gift. ;)
i feel like he's showing off.
life can be a little confusing.

party

today was the graduation party for my third son.  i have had two other graduation parties.  and they were considered a success by the number of people and the food etc.  But they almost killed me.  My ex.  My in laws.  It was always the most grueling form of stress.  horrid, actually.  i did it for my kids.  and i just thought that's how it was.  just thought that's how it felt.  that the sacrifice was feeling totally devastated.  and then.....i had this party.  and i am totally exhausted.  worked really hard.  but...somehow...it was just such a good and nice day.  people were nice.  nobody yelled at me or wasn't speaking to me because i wasn't doing it right.  my mother in law made the other two nearly impossible.  the belittling.  the meanness.  i was so used to it in many ways.  though i still dreaded it.  and to think that my ex did nothing about it.......how sad is that?
i was so proud of my son.  how grown up he looks.  he was such a nice host.  and a good sport in the dunk tank.
it was an amazingly long day.  following an amazingly busy and long week.  but i am content.  people came.  my son was relieved.  some people didn't come...noticably....but, hey, that's just how things are.  oh well.  hopefully my son didn't notice.
a satisfying day.  not the best party ever given.  but nice. i am not exactly a chatter.  that part is killer.  i prefer to lead people to each other and let them chat.  that works for me.  most of the time they don't even notice.
today worked somehow....in  a deeply satisfying way.  thank you, god.
blessings

A good friend

a good friend shows up when you need her.  gives you a hug when you are down.  a good friend helps you think when you are too tired to do anything more.  a good friend helps you hold life together.  a good friend might load your dishwasher.  or sweep your floor.  sometimes, they are even known to fold your laundry.  or make you a meal.  a good friend calls now and again to check on you.  and sounds pleased when you call them.  takes you out to lunch on your birthday.  has coffee with you on a cold morning.  a good friend is a lovely gift.
but then, there's a great friend.  a heart friend.  a friend that goes beyond.  they listen when your words don't sound pretty and still hear the good in you.  when you are tired, they remind you to take care of you.  a great friend doesn't need a reason to call...or stop by....or have coffee...or share some time.  it's just the norm.  a great friend helps pick up the pieces, bury the bodies, build the bridges...or burn them, as need be.  they don't always agree, but they always show up.  a great friend gets tired of you and yet knows that they don't ever want to be without you.  they hold on when apart.  they don't make you do all of the work.  a great friend knows your heart words.  not just your mouth words.  and they treasure them.  and keep them safe.  a great friend does that little thing that was on your mind that you haven't even told anyone.  and it's all so effortless.......
a great friend.  there aren't bunches for each person.  but i sure hope that people have at least one.  because it's a friend that meets you in the most real place.  isn't scared away by your crazy.  as a matter of fact, they see right through it...into the real you.  where it blocks the view for most, for a great friend, it's a magnifying glass of who you really are and what is really wrong.  sometimes, a great friend knows long before you do what is hurting you.
i am blessed.  truly blessed.  and i know it.  too bad i don't have awards to give out.
blessings.

Morning

morning came.  i opened my eyes.  a day.  like any other.  and then the creeping remembering comes over me like the sun stealing over the beach grass....today is special.  today, my son graduates.  today, the son that i have struggled with and for is GRADUATING.  he made it.  he is not magna nor summa cum laude.  he is not valedictorian.  he won't be addressing the crowd.  he got no prestigious awards.  he won't be attending harvard.  he shan't be trekking off to europe for school either.  he isn't getting married.  he hasn't started his own business in high school that he sold for a million dollars.  he isn't a track, wrestling, football, dance, baseball, or basketball star.  he sports no academic letter.  and yet, my heart absolutely swells in pride and joy and excitement for him.  the one that i worried about sticking it out.....even sticking around in his life...the one that seemed near giving up...is GRADUATING.  and....going to college.  and has friends.  and smiles.  and is having a party.  and has a voice.  the one that shrinks back often in the midst of the thought of crowds is pleased with himself.  and i.  his mother.  his mom.  his mama.  his sometimes nemesis and sometimes hero is absolutely pleased.  with him.  with who he is.  with how he is.  with who he is becoming.  with how he thinks.  with the fact that he does think.  proud.  amazed.  and.  thankful to god.  for interpreting my tears into words.  for reading the mri of my heart and seeing the need for Him to carry my son.  for doing the miraculous.  for being a father to my child.  even when the child doesn't really give Him the attention He deserves.  He has been more than faithful.  He has been kind.
and He sent this morning light.  to awaken me slowly to this remembering.  to allow me to revel quietly in this worship.  to remember once again that in the midst of all of the drama.  in the middle of all of the questions.  He is all of the answers.  and He loves.  fully.  without reserve.  and He will care for my children.  will care for me.  and in Him there is no drama.  only life.  and peace.  and hope.  and joy.  in Him there is living.  abundantly.
and on this day, in my very soul.  that place where there are no words.  even for me.  i long for my child to know how God has done this thing for him.  because He loves him without reserve.  but all i can do is show my child with my paltry love. a little sample.  a taste.  an appetizer of what is to come.  for His Father will be enough.  always.  forever.  and will never be disappointed in him.
morning came.  again.  and just that fact, without all of the other is reason to glory.  but with all of the other, it's reason for dancing, shouting, singing, frolicking.
blessings.