I have a caring heart. My love is deep. I give my whole self. And tonight, when I was put face to face with another person seeing her ex and interacting and allowing him to meet some of her needs, I realized how truly different I am. It was a kind of painful realization.
When I love, I really love. Really. Deeply. All in. I gave my ex every ounce of commitment, love, and closeness to my heart that I could. I held nothing back. And I was found wanting. That caused a wound in me that is only just beginning to actually heal. He tried. I wish he had never said that. "I'm trying to love you." I wish that he had never told me how he didn't find me attractive when he met me. I wish that he hadn't told me that he lusts after others. I wish that he had really loved me. ME. For me. Not for who he wanted me to be. Just for me. Truly. Completely. As I did him. But he didn't. Or couldn't. I don't know, but it just wasn't there. But having opened my whole heart...my body...my soul...to this other and then having him treat me with such contempt and disrespect hurt. A lot. For a very long time. With no compassion from anyone. No sympathy. Just the constant knowing. Of the constant striving to be enough and to be acceptable. Always knowing that I wasn't as pretty or smart or....just wasn't. Not to him. And now, I just can't open that door. He can't come in. He would rip out the stitches and tear off the scab. He would make himself feel better. And I would be left with my heart still bleeding. He doesn't get to do for me and look good. Not anymore. He uses that to fake people out. I can't live like that anymore. I can't deal with his falseness. His fake nice. His getting what he needs.....accolades of others....at my expense.
I am not hard hearted. Quite the opposite. So tender hearted that I know that he could destroy me. Because I loved for real. And though he turned out to be someone who hurts instead of heals, I don't trust that I wouldn't fall back into "routine". God has so much more. I don't intend to go back to the old. I didn't leave as a trial. I didn't leave to make a point. I left because he pushed me so far away, hurt me so deeply and chose to not care....and there came a time when I had to choose whether to live or whether to die never knowing what it would have been like to have lived. To have risked. To quit blaming someone else and to make the choice to take responsibility for my own well being.
He crushed me. He had power over me that I gave him. He still doesn't get that it's not about forgiveness. It's about trust. I do not trust him. Not at all. He trained me to admit that he really wasn't trustworthy. And yet I spent twenty years trying to make him look as if he was. He wasn't trustworthy with my heart. With our kids' love. He wasn't trustworthy with my emotional safety. He did much more harm in my life than good.
Nope. I don't want to interact in the way that he meets my needs, does me favors. I simply will communicate and be kind. I will choose to do that because it's what's right. But I will guard my heart. In a good and holy way.
For me, for who I am, for how I am....it's a must.
I envy those who are different than me. I long to be like them. But I'm not. Gotta let that be ok.
blessings.
When I love, I really love. Really. Deeply. All in. I gave my ex every ounce of commitment, love, and closeness to my heart that I could. I held nothing back. And I was found wanting. That caused a wound in me that is only just beginning to actually heal. He tried. I wish he had never said that. "I'm trying to love you." I wish that he had never told me how he didn't find me attractive when he met me. I wish that he hadn't told me that he lusts after others. I wish that he had really loved me. ME. For me. Not for who he wanted me to be. Just for me. Truly. Completely. As I did him. But he didn't. Or couldn't. I don't know, but it just wasn't there. But having opened my whole heart...my body...my soul...to this other and then having him treat me with such contempt and disrespect hurt. A lot. For a very long time. With no compassion from anyone. No sympathy. Just the constant knowing. Of the constant striving to be enough and to be acceptable. Always knowing that I wasn't as pretty or smart or....just wasn't. Not to him. And now, I just can't open that door. He can't come in. He would rip out the stitches and tear off the scab. He would make himself feel better. And I would be left with my heart still bleeding. He doesn't get to do for me and look good. Not anymore. He uses that to fake people out. I can't live like that anymore. I can't deal with his falseness. His fake nice. His getting what he needs.....accolades of others....at my expense.
I am not hard hearted. Quite the opposite. So tender hearted that I know that he could destroy me. Because I loved for real. And though he turned out to be someone who hurts instead of heals, I don't trust that I wouldn't fall back into "routine". God has so much more. I don't intend to go back to the old. I didn't leave as a trial. I didn't leave to make a point. I left because he pushed me so far away, hurt me so deeply and chose to not care....and there came a time when I had to choose whether to live or whether to die never knowing what it would have been like to have lived. To have risked. To quit blaming someone else and to make the choice to take responsibility for my own well being.
He crushed me. He had power over me that I gave him. He still doesn't get that it's not about forgiveness. It's about trust. I do not trust him. Not at all. He trained me to admit that he really wasn't trustworthy. And yet I spent twenty years trying to make him look as if he was. He wasn't trustworthy with my heart. With our kids' love. He wasn't trustworthy with my emotional safety. He did much more harm in my life than good.
Nope. I don't want to interact in the way that he meets my needs, does me favors. I simply will communicate and be kind. I will choose to do that because it's what's right. But I will guard my heart. In a good and holy way.
For me, for who I am, for how I am....it's a must.
I envy those who are different than me. I long to be like them. But I'm not. Gotta let that be ok.
blessings.
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