I have been racing in my head trying to make some things better. Trying to fix. Trying to fix things so that everyone will have their needs met, feel included and be happy. I am not succeeding. So, instead of berating myself, 'm going to let it go. Things will happen as they do. I can't make things happen. I can try hard. I DO try hard. And right now, I just have to realize that I have not managed to make it so that people will be happy.
I found a house for vacation. That was really fun to do. Tricky though because of the fact that we are going to be at the coast on the fourth of July. Hard to find something within our price range. Then, I found some, but the bedroom situations might not have made the travelers as comfortable as possible. So, I kept looking. I found a house. With an ocean view. Across the street from the ocean. In a little town. In a beautiful setting. With a deck to sit upon. And a living room with a view. I made a reservation.....exulting that those who need their own rooms will have them and that the boys will actually have beds to sleep upon! I was so very happy. I have kept the page from the house's description/pictures open on my desktop for a month. I was happy how God answered. How He provided. Even silly things. And yet.....somehow, it has all conspired to make me feel badly. Badly that I did this thing for my kids....my birth kids and the kids I adore...and a friend. I did it because I love the rest. And, because a dear lady has been very ill this last year and I had nearly despaired of seeing her again this side of heaven. I did it because it's what I do. I travel. I go to the ocean. I recuperate and get filled up by hearing the roar of the ocean, taking walks, laying upon the toasty sand while the cool breeze rushes over. I eat taffy. And I drink coffee. I revamp. I write. Read. Meditate. Laugh with friends and family. Watch the kids be laid back. I recover from so much. But how al of that can turn me into feeling selfish, I'm not really sure. But it did.
It happened when I contacted another friend and said that we would be out near her and that we should get together. She was thrilled. She and her husband are off for the month...awesome. And we began looking for places for them to stay. She said they might camp to keep the cost down. Anyway, flash forward more than a month. Now, there are no campgrounds or other places available that she wants to stay/or can afford to stay. And all of my ideas are shot down. And maybe she just needs to be invited to stay at the house that I am staying. And her kids. And her husband. And that would be fine. To a degree. But it puts me back in the position that the kids that were with me in the first place will have to give up beds. I will have to bunk with the girls. Probably on the floor. Because she has to have a bed for her back. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to camp? But she said she DID want to camp. But if she camped, she wouldn't have a bed. No, I think that it's about being included. I think that she wants to be welcomed. Asked. And probably I should.
Leading to the other dilemma. A kid of my heart..not a birth child...not my child...just one that I have loved forever, who has been on a hitchhiking, weed smoking, homeless living adventure and life journey, facebooked me yesterday that he'll be "kickin it" with us while we are in the state. Well, when I reminded him that weed is illegal in the state we'll be in, he responded that he has loads of it on him and so that won't be a problem...I think that he totally missed my point. Not to mention that the house I rented doesn't allow smoking....of any kind. So, he would be illegally smoking on public property and if the police come and find "lots" of weed...more than the miniscule amount that is "overlooked", it could create some drama for the rest of the family as well. To boot, he has a dog. My contract says, "no pets". There's no way he would bring his dog and leave her outside. She is by him all of the time. And he went on in the facebook chat to tell me how he has learned how far being polite gets him....and how people give you things when you are polite. Remember, he is supporting himself by begging. When he left home, he was going to do tattoos for people to make money. To me, that seems better. But either way, it's his choice. But it seems like he's wanting to have his choice and assume that I'll financially cover it if the owner of the home hears about the pet or the smoking. It will go on my credit card. And I guess I just need to let that go. And I love him. Love his smile. His hugs. His sense of adventure. His searching. His going out an trying something instead of always wishing. But, there was this red flag when we talked. It was about getting what you want by being polite. I've seen him be charming and nice and promise things in order to get a chance to do something....and then do whatever he wants after he is included. He takes money. I don't want the kids to have to hide their money on vacation. But, I guess I don't have the heart to just say no way. And that's my fault. Love's a tough thing. It hurts. It sacrifices. I just keep praying that he decides to travel on before we arrive. I don't want to hurt him. Feels like I have to be the bad guy and he knows that. And THAT feeling...that's what my husband gave me regularly. In order to get what I needed, I had to be made to feel like that bad guy. Probably why this is hitting me so hard. It's opening that wound that was beginning to heal.
I still don't have a clue of what to do. I can't fix it. The only thing I know to do is say, "come one, come all". Because any other way, I have to be the one hurting someone. I hate hurting people. Not for such stupid reasons. But I didn't start out to do so.....I was only looking for a place for so many and for a certain amount of days when it would work for the work schedule. Period. I wasn't trying to exclude or keep out. I don't even know how it all snow balled. All because I said, "I want to see you"? Sigh. My simple prayer is that all heart needs will be met. I can't do it. I found a house to rent for the others today. It's actually a house that I nearly rented. But it's three blocks from the beach. And eight miles from where we will be. I just can't do it. I almost just rented it. But.....I decided not to.
I am going to have a great time. I know it. So I'll just do so. And breathe. Always breathe.
Now, if by some stroke of luck there is no drama, that would be awesome too!
blessings.
I found a house for vacation. That was really fun to do. Tricky though because of the fact that we are going to be at the coast on the fourth of July. Hard to find something within our price range. Then, I found some, but the bedroom situations might not have made the travelers as comfortable as possible. So, I kept looking. I found a house. With an ocean view. Across the street from the ocean. In a little town. In a beautiful setting. With a deck to sit upon. And a living room with a view. I made a reservation.....exulting that those who need their own rooms will have them and that the boys will actually have beds to sleep upon! I was so very happy. I have kept the page from the house's description/pictures open on my desktop for a month. I was happy how God answered. How He provided. Even silly things. And yet.....somehow, it has all conspired to make me feel badly. Badly that I did this thing for my kids....my birth kids and the kids I adore...and a friend. I did it because I love the rest. And, because a dear lady has been very ill this last year and I had nearly despaired of seeing her again this side of heaven. I did it because it's what I do. I travel. I go to the ocean. I recuperate and get filled up by hearing the roar of the ocean, taking walks, laying upon the toasty sand while the cool breeze rushes over. I eat taffy. And I drink coffee. I revamp. I write. Read. Meditate. Laugh with friends and family. Watch the kids be laid back. I recover from so much. But how al of that can turn me into feeling selfish, I'm not really sure. But it did.
It happened when I contacted another friend and said that we would be out near her and that we should get together. She was thrilled. She and her husband are off for the month...awesome. And we began looking for places for them to stay. She said they might camp to keep the cost down. Anyway, flash forward more than a month. Now, there are no campgrounds or other places available that she wants to stay/or can afford to stay. And all of my ideas are shot down. And maybe she just needs to be invited to stay at the house that I am staying. And her kids. And her husband. And that would be fine. To a degree. But it puts me back in the position that the kids that were with me in the first place will have to give up beds. I will have to bunk with the girls. Probably on the floor. Because she has to have a bed for her back. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to camp? But she said she DID want to camp. But if she camped, she wouldn't have a bed. No, I think that it's about being included. I think that she wants to be welcomed. Asked. And probably I should.
Leading to the other dilemma. A kid of my heart..not a birth child...not my child...just one that I have loved forever, who has been on a hitchhiking, weed smoking, homeless living adventure and life journey, facebooked me yesterday that he'll be "kickin it" with us while we are in the state. Well, when I reminded him that weed is illegal in the state we'll be in, he responded that he has loads of it on him and so that won't be a problem...I think that he totally missed my point. Not to mention that the house I rented doesn't allow smoking....of any kind. So, he would be illegally smoking on public property and if the police come and find "lots" of weed...more than the miniscule amount that is "overlooked", it could create some drama for the rest of the family as well. To boot, he has a dog. My contract says, "no pets". There's no way he would bring his dog and leave her outside. She is by him all of the time. And he went on in the facebook chat to tell me how he has learned how far being polite gets him....and how people give you things when you are polite. Remember, he is supporting himself by begging. When he left home, he was going to do tattoos for people to make money. To me, that seems better. But either way, it's his choice. But it seems like he's wanting to have his choice and assume that I'll financially cover it if the owner of the home hears about the pet or the smoking. It will go on my credit card. And I guess I just need to let that go. And I love him. Love his smile. His hugs. His sense of adventure. His searching. His going out an trying something instead of always wishing. But, there was this red flag when we talked. It was about getting what you want by being polite. I've seen him be charming and nice and promise things in order to get a chance to do something....and then do whatever he wants after he is included. He takes money. I don't want the kids to have to hide their money on vacation. But, I guess I don't have the heart to just say no way. And that's my fault. Love's a tough thing. It hurts. It sacrifices. I just keep praying that he decides to travel on before we arrive. I don't want to hurt him. Feels like I have to be the bad guy and he knows that. And THAT feeling...that's what my husband gave me regularly. In order to get what I needed, I had to be made to feel like that bad guy. Probably why this is hitting me so hard. It's opening that wound that was beginning to heal.
I still don't have a clue of what to do. I can't fix it. The only thing I know to do is say, "come one, come all". Because any other way, I have to be the one hurting someone. I hate hurting people. Not for such stupid reasons. But I didn't start out to do so.....I was only looking for a place for so many and for a certain amount of days when it would work for the work schedule. Period. I wasn't trying to exclude or keep out. I don't even know how it all snow balled. All because I said, "I want to see you"? Sigh. My simple prayer is that all heart needs will be met. I can't do it. I found a house to rent for the others today. It's actually a house that I nearly rented. But it's three blocks from the beach. And eight miles from where we will be. I just can't do it. I almost just rented it. But.....I decided not to.
I am going to have a great time. I know it. So I'll just do so. And breathe. Always breathe.
Now, if by some stroke of luck there is no drama, that would be awesome too!
blessings.
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