in my heart is so much. deep love. deep commitment. deep giving. deep loyalty. so deep. i enjoy helping others. it's pleasurable. it's in there. and it's alive and well. and i show it as i blossom these days. but some people don't see. don't appreciate. don't speak kindness. some people only want things from me. and i want to give those things. i stayed in marriage the same way...giving without finding that i had value to him without having to perform.
so, now i struggle. i try to use my words. to say how i feel. but it comes out squeaky and harsh. not how i mean it. it's the pain. trying to get the feelings past the pain. it's hard. words for what i mean are almost impossible. not because they can't be said but because they would be a surprise to others. they are a surprise to others. it makes them think i'm mad when i'm just confused. and hurt. some people in my current life seem to like me even when i am just me...nothing to give. just myself. but then, they are just acquaintances. so i'm in no man's land.
the people that i love, respect and have allowed to see the depths of my heart need me to be what i was. and i can't. i just can't. i want to be a giver. i like being a giver. but i also want to be able to express misgivings in a conversation without feeling badly. to have dialogue. it's difficult. not impossible though. i have faith that i'll get through it. that i'll love still. even when people don't understand. or see.
in my heart. in the most true place. in the reality. i love. and i am loved. even if i am struggling to figure out how to set my boundaries. to love others and to also love myself. to express my needs. i'm pretty lousy at it but i know that i won't give up. and i don't think that they'll give up either.because though it hurts me more because it feels like how my ex treated me, i know that it's different. it's how they learned to treat me because it's how i had to be in life with him.
change takes heart. some say to give up. they tell me if people don't call or invite me then they are done with me. but maybe not. maybe it's just growing pains. i have heart. i know the One who heals. and maybe it will all work out.
heart full of hope.
blessings.
so, now i struggle. i try to use my words. to say how i feel. but it comes out squeaky and harsh. not how i mean it. it's the pain. trying to get the feelings past the pain. it's hard. words for what i mean are almost impossible. not because they can't be said but because they would be a surprise to others. they are a surprise to others. it makes them think i'm mad when i'm just confused. and hurt. some people in my current life seem to like me even when i am just me...nothing to give. just myself. but then, they are just acquaintances. so i'm in no man's land.
the people that i love, respect and have allowed to see the depths of my heart need me to be what i was. and i can't. i just can't. i want to be a giver. i like being a giver. but i also want to be able to express misgivings in a conversation without feeling badly. to have dialogue. it's difficult. not impossible though. i have faith that i'll get through it. that i'll love still. even when people don't understand. or see.
in my heart. in the most true place. in the reality. i love. and i am loved. even if i am struggling to figure out how to set my boundaries. to love others and to also love myself. to express my needs. i'm pretty lousy at it but i know that i won't give up. and i don't think that they'll give up either.because though it hurts me more because it feels like how my ex treated me, i know that it's different. it's how they learned to treat me because it's how i had to be in life with him.
change takes heart. some say to give up. they tell me if people don't call or invite me then they are done with me. but maybe not. maybe it's just growing pains. i have heart. i know the One who heals. and maybe it will all work out.
heart full of hope.
blessings.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.