well, it has been a nice day. snowing most of the day. beautiful. peaceful. i'm home alone. i like being here. however, tonight, i was realizing that i wish that i had a friend or two to hang out and watch movies, talk, play scrabble, make cookies.....whatever. but i also had another realization. i'm not willing nor interested in being with random people. i don't feel comfortable with everyone. if i am going to give up my energy...which i have to replenish with my solitude...then, i like it with people who mean something. i have to give it so much during the week to dozens of people, so in my free time, i can be choosy. and that's ok.
i'm not sitting around being grumpy or feeling sorry for myself. i'm just learning what i need.
it's a good thing. I gave up what i needed when i was married and that nearly pushed me over the edge. he got his energy from being around people...lots of people. and i made that happen for him. i would function by focusing more narrowly on people, cooking, settling in. but he couldn't give me what i needed. he wanted me to do all of the things that fed him and couldn't see me as i was as valuable. i needed to change. it was painful.
and it's good for me to know. because i need to know how to be myself in relationships.
i need to be patient and wait to be seen or have someone want my company as i am. i need to be sought out as i am, not as people want me to be. it's hard, because i'm really good at being what people need. now i need to be just as good to me. i'm learning.
it makes me think about my ex and his dating more seriously. it doesn't make me angry, nor even sad. it makes me.....uncomfortable for the woman. if my ex hasn't taken the time to go through this process of how to allow someone to be herself, he will drain the next person as well. i only hope that they are a good match so that she will be ok. because when he's not happy, life is pretty awful.
it's a snowy day. extremely cold. high of 15. and it's ok. i like it.
now, i'll have thanksgiving to do too. i think my one son might go visit a friend while the others go to their big brother's with their dad. i know that it'll be ok. sometimes though, i wish that things were different. i wish people saw how my ex destroyed me. not so that they would hang out and feel sorry for me, but so that i at least feel....understood. maybe validated. i want to know that i can forgive without having swept under the rug what he did. i did that for years. made him look good. covered. and in these times, i feel the same. but i'm different. it's not what i intend. i forgive. and if others think it's because he didn't do anything or that i was silly, well, i'll just have to live with that. but, i'll know that someone sees me when they realize what it costs me.....without me having to whine or complain.
i love thanksgiving. it's a beautiful holiday. perfect. and it will be. even without the big family meal. i still have the exact same things to be thankful for. and i am. and i am still smiling.
blessings
i'm not sitting around being grumpy or feeling sorry for myself. i'm just learning what i need.
it's a good thing. I gave up what i needed when i was married and that nearly pushed me over the edge. he got his energy from being around people...lots of people. and i made that happen for him. i would function by focusing more narrowly on people, cooking, settling in. but he couldn't give me what i needed. he wanted me to do all of the things that fed him and couldn't see me as i was as valuable. i needed to change. it was painful.
and it's good for me to know. because i need to know how to be myself in relationships.
i need to be patient and wait to be seen or have someone want my company as i am. i need to be sought out as i am, not as people want me to be. it's hard, because i'm really good at being what people need. now i need to be just as good to me. i'm learning.
it makes me think about my ex and his dating more seriously. it doesn't make me angry, nor even sad. it makes me.....uncomfortable for the woman. if my ex hasn't taken the time to go through this process of how to allow someone to be herself, he will drain the next person as well. i only hope that they are a good match so that she will be ok. because when he's not happy, life is pretty awful.
it's a snowy day. extremely cold. high of 15. and it's ok. i like it.
now, i'll have thanksgiving to do too. i think my one son might go visit a friend while the others go to their big brother's with their dad. i know that it'll be ok. sometimes though, i wish that things were different. i wish people saw how my ex destroyed me. not so that they would hang out and feel sorry for me, but so that i at least feel....understood. maybe validated. i want to know that i can forgive without having swept under the rug what he did. i did that for years. made him look good. covered. and in these times, i feel the same. but i'm different. it's not what i intend. i forgive. and if others think it's because he didn't do anything or that i was silly, well, i'll just have to live with that. but, i'll know that someone sees me when they realize what it costs me.....without me having to whine or complain.
i love thanksgiving. it's a beautiful holiday. perfect. and it will be. even without the big family meal. i still have the exact same things to be thankful for. and i am. and i am still smiling.
blessings
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