thankful....just without a holiday

i am most assuredly thankful.  i see blessings and beauty all around.  so very deeply grateful.  however, after some deep thought.  after two phone calls that changed things.  one that said that some people would be doing something else this year and one that my son wanted to plan something with the kids and their dad this year....well, i started thinking.  and i decided to give the holiday to my kids with their dad. my heart just aches too much to try to make it happen.  though i am thankful and though i said that we'd spend some kind of fun day during the week off.  i mean, two sit down same kind meals aren't really necessary to have a good time.
i just feel like i'm always expected to bounce back and make it happen on everyone's terms.  and the thing is that....i don't have to.  my daughter is thrilled with the idea.  one son seemed like it was an inconvenience, but i don't know why since it was what he asked me.  i just didn't comply with working around and making two thanksgiving days happen.
i love my family.  i love my friends.  but, i also love me, and i don't think that my heart should be forced to sit and act like everything is great when in reality, it's just hard.  my traditions of friends for the holiday got shot.  my friends were my family.  i just don't want to figure it in a new way this year.  i'm not mad.  i'm not even too troubled.  i just know that i want a great week off and i don't want to dread it.
yes, i'm thankful.  yes, i know that my life is truly wonderful.  yes, i see good.  no, i don't want to deny this pain and fake it.  maybe next year it will be better.  maybe by next year i will be more accustomed to the loss.  but for this year, i'm not.  and it's ok for me to be where  i am.  i don't have to fake it.
everyone else is asking/telling what they want or need.  now, i need to remember to do the same.
blessings.