learning......still

i had an epiphany this morning.  again.
as my daughter and i were getting ready to go out to breakfast...as i invited the closest thing she has to an aunt in our state....as i fell out of bed and threw on clothes for our new "tradition"....it came to me.  this going out time is not about eating nor spending money nor being out.  it's a time away from routine and distractions to connect with people.  what i love about first getting to know people is how you take time and go to coffee, breakfast or a late night pie. it's all to do with my personality.  ilove the hanging out, the being in homes, the chaos that is life......but i have trouble in the chaos sharing and  seeing and being seen.  i need the time away.  to give my heart.  to reconnect.  that's what is nice with my girl these breakfast days.  we are away.  we aren't rushing.  we aren't drawn to a phone or an ipad or chores.  we are seated.  ordering.  waiting for food.  eating.  people watching.  present.  and it is something i am going to need all of my life with people who want to be in my life.
for others it's weird.  it's different.  for me it's just part of who i am.  i need to be still with people i care about.  i need to give and receive....to connect.
these epiphany's that come are fun.
so many years i spent finding what others needed and even why.  i spent the time trying to do that and be that.  but now, though there still isn't anyone to give me encouragement about growing and becoming myself, i can do it.
this all came in the aftermath of blundering through yet another relational faux pas.  i made an assumption about an upcoming holiday.  made plans.  talked to my kids.  then, i realized that the arrangements that i was thinking of were based on my assumptions of "family"...of past years.  i assumed.  i thought i understood the relationship.  and when i realized my error, i was totally embarrassed.  and stunned.  and aware that somehow, i had managed to allow myself to think "family" when i had no right.  the thing is that i have no right anywhere.  and so, i forget.  i forget that for others blood means more than the years and that i am not a for sure in the forever realm because i'm not family.  i'm in the "maybe" realm.  i'm in the case by case position.  and that has to be ok.  it is what is true.  but it was humiliating.  the feeling of when someone smiles big, waves, walks towards you and you respond enthusiastically.....only to realize that they were looking at the person past you.  oops.
so, my epiphany was good.  even though i realized yet again that extended family of aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters is never going to be for me.  even though i had to realize that while i have given my whole heart to relationships that have been nurtured over many years.  even though thre's nobody that feels the same way.  even though i felt completely dumb.  i am not dumb.  i am just me.  and there are things about me that are strange or different.  and those who want to be with me will be.  and those who don't won't be.  but, either way, i have to be with me every day and i have to be ok with who i am.
and though i ache with a sense of rejection and of the feeling of shame of having to tell my kids that i pretty much failed on that whole extended family thing and that i was dead wrong on how the holidays would go, i still want to be me.
i'm a nice breakfast companion.
i am good at being present.
i am kind.
i give my whole heart and keep on giving.  even when it hurts.   it's weird, but it's true.  you'd think i'd never risk again.  but it's who i am.  i love my few close people.  i'm not popular.  i'm not admired by the masses.  i don't attract dozens. i'm really only good with a few.  it's because i care so deeply and am so introverted that i can't do it with everyone in the world
so, i'm still learning.  and at moments i get frustrated with who i am because who i am means having to grieve not getting to have some of what i long for.
but i've done my best.  i will keep making choices towards those i love.  even if my love for them says family and theirs towards me says something else.  that's reality..  i can't fill a need they don't have.  i can't ask for more than they want to give. and i certainly don't want fake.
so, i'll cry......even sob.  then i'll pull on my big girl panties and keep on going.
i was made who i am.  i have to be her.  i GET to be her.  but sometimes i wish that there was some outside encouragement along the way...
blessings.
be you.  be brave.  be loved.