So much happens in my life that is good. Beautiful. Praiseworthy. Excellent. There are wonderful young people all around me who teach me so much. Who live inspiring lives. Have big dreams. Work hard. I am honored to know them all. Honored to be loved by them.
Sometimes, the constant lurking dread threatens to keep me from seeing things that are so good. Threatens to pull the good out of focus. But I choose the good.
It is harder for me to keep life in little boxes since I have started this blog. It's as if letting out the feelings and the truth of what has been happening in my life is like trying to plug up a dam that has sprung a leak. (I wrote damn and had to look at it again before I realized my error....). I struggle to go back to the place of quiet surviving. Of simply looking the part.
I know that it is what makes me constantly on edge when I have to be at home with my husband now. I don't have any interest in pretending. I do it. I try. But it is massively difficult.
And I REALLY have no interest in fighting. So, I am caught.
But there is so much good in my life. I've been blessed beyond measure. My pain is great as well.....but really, it is overshadowed by blessings. Because He has promised He'll work it all for the good.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Don't Know
There's so much in life I don't know. Don't know how. I wish that I could not feel like I'm a teenager coming home late. Fearing that I have to get up tomorrow early. Knowing that there's no place to take a nap. Well, there's always the car. This is not the life I dreamed of as a child.
I did think that I would be a good wife. Thought that I had a lot to give. Thought that it would even be....fun. Boy, it's not. I would not repeat the experience. I thought I had it.
Here I am at two in the morning, sneaking around like I have to answer to someone about what I'm doing. Shaking in my house. Feeling guilty for having had a pleasant, stress free evening.
I need some real sleep. Maybe this week. It's Spring Break. So, it could happen......
I am proud that I did some things around my house this evening. Working quickly before he arrived home. The morning had caused me to feel troubled. We rode together. He questioned me about my work. The same exact questions he always asks. What grade? Which school? I answered. Barely. Holding my breath, waiting to drop him off. Waited in the passenger seat while he got out. Then, he was there, waiting like somehow I was supposed to kiss him good bye. What a heel I am, but I was shocked. I walked around and got in the drivers seat and drove away. Never was very good at charades.
But, how will I let the world down? Everyone always acts like we are the marriage to count on. Like I'm so lucky because he wants sex. Like it's so good because....I'm not really sure why. Yes, I do know. Because I am good at looking at the positive. At trying to be content with what is. That has certainly proved to be a mistake on some fronts.
I don't know what is right, but I know that I see mind games, verbal games. He is smart. He uses what I say against me. When I try to communicate, it always turns around to me being bad. Sometimes I wonder if I am. And then, other times, I think that even if I am, I still am where I am.
Peace. Please send peace to me.
I did think that I would be a good wife. Thought that I had a lot to give. Thought that it would even be....fun. Boy, it's not. I would not repeat the experience. I thought I had it.
Here I am at two in the morning, sneaking around like I have to answer to someone about what I'm doing. Shaking in my house. Feeling guilty for having had a pleasant, stress free evening.
I need some real sleep. Maybe this week. It's Spring Break. So, it could happen......
I am proud that I did some things around my house this evening. Working quickly before he arrived home. The morning had caused me to feel troubled. We rode together. He questioned me about my work. The same exact questions he always asks. What grade? Which school? I answered. Barely. Holding my breath, waiting to drop him off. Waited in the passenger seat while he got out. Then, he was there, waiting like somehow I was supposed to kiss him good bye. What a heel I am, but I was shocked. I walked around and got in the drivers seat and drove away. Never was very good at charades.
But, how will I let the world down? Everyone always acts like we are the marriage to count on. Like I'm so lucky because he wants sex. Like it's so good because....I'm not really sure why. Yes, I do know. Because I am good at looking at the positive. At trying to be content with what is. That has certainly proved to be a mistake on some fronts.
I don't know what is right, but I know that I see mind games, verbal games. He is smart. He uses what I say against me. When I try to communicate, it always turns around to me being bad. Sometimes I wonder if I am. And then, other times, I think that even if I am, I still am where I am.
Peace. Please send peace to me.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Spring Break
Off of work for a week. Glad of it. And nervous. How to keep my heart safe. How to keep my mouth from being sinful. And how to know how to be true and not sinful. It's not easy. It's very difficult. How to honor but not enable. How to go through and make it.....and not skimp on truth.
Today was really hard. Realizing that I don't seem to have a say. But, I had a revelation today. He can say that I can't have a sabbatical. He can fight it. But if he won't give me what I need, I can take legal recourse. I hope not to have to. But, today I was realizing that I am going to have to stand strong. I am going to have to have courage although it eludes me often. If I give up, my life will be worthless. And I want to live a worthwhile life. A full life. A life of joy. And yes, though it sounds sinful.....happy. I want desperately not to be miserable. Not to be dreading.
Tonight, as I knew the time of his coming home was arriving, my stomach clenched and I couldn't finish eating my dinner. My head began to hurt. I felt ill. In every way. And I realized how long I've felt bad. Wow. I'm sure it's not all him. But I do know that it doesn't help.
I am going to keep looking for work. Good job. Professional. I want to make my own way. I want to feel free from the constant dread.
Last year at this time he told me that we were going to be homeless. That we wouldn't be able to pay our taxes. That I was irresponsible. That's because he didn't want me to spend the money I had earned to take the kids to the coast. It was a knock down battle. And, for the first time, I stood firm and said no way. I said that I was going. I would do it. I would continue to work and that I was not irresponsible but that we could keep the house and I could have my sanity break at the coast. Here we are the year later. Not homeless. Not saying that it can never happen. Just that the constant belittling and accusing and blaming and worrying is too much for me.
I don't want his money. I think he should go live with it and be happy.
Today was really hard. Realizing that I don't seem to have a say. But, I had a revelation today. He can say that I can't have a sabbatical. He can fight it. But if he won't give me what I need, I can take legal recourse. I hope not to have to. But, today I was realizing that I am going to have to stand strong. I am going to have to have courage although it eludes me often. If I give up, my life will be worthless. And I want to live a worthwhile life. A full life. A life of joy. And yes, though it sounds sinful.....happy. I want desperately not to be miserable. Not to be dreading.
Tonight, as I knew the time of his coming home was arriving, my stomach clenched and I couldn't finish eating my dinner. My head began to hurt. I felt ill. In every way. And I realized how long I've felt bad. Wow. I'm sure it's not all him. But I do know that it doesn't help.
I am going to keep looking for work. Good job. Professional. I want to make my own way. I want to feel free from the constant dread.
Last year at this time he told me that we were going to be homeless. That we wouldn't be able to pay our taxes. That I was irresponsible. That's because he didn't want me to spend the money I had earned to take the kids to the coast. It was a knock down battle. And, for the first time, I stood firm and said no way. I said that I was going. I would do it. I would continue to work and that I was not irresponsible but that we could keep the house and I could have my sanity break at the coast. Here we are the year later. Not homeless. Not saying that it can never happen. Just that the constant belittling and accusing and blaming and worrying is too much for me.
I don't want his money. I think he should go live with it and be happy.
Relief in Sanity
Sometimes the crazy feeling gets to me. Like, "if he's a nice guy, then how in the world do I feel like this?" Yesterday was one of those days. But then, slowly, in the night, of course, it started to clarify in my mind again. How he twists what I say when I try to tell him how I feel. How he cries to make it about him. How even when I clearly state, "I feel uncomfortable driving you to work right now....", he spends a week saying, "maybe you could drive me to work tomorrow." And, today, when cars were going to be short and he was going to go to early morning bible study and I asked him if one of the guys there could swing him by work (they are mostly retirees....) and he said that he leaves 15 minutes earlier than them and that he would take the car and come back for me to take him to work. I mean, right or wrong, I have said that it makes me uncomfortable. I have asked to find other ways. But, only I find the other ways. But, the good part is that it was that very conversation that reminded me of how our lives have been. I AM a communicator. Though he tries to make me feel like I am not. I will say, if given the chance, what I need......but he will only pretend to listen and then he will simply continue doing what he wants, or, most of the time, he will take what I say and make it an accusation of my own character.
While this realization hurts every time I manage to have the moments of clarity, it beats the heck out of the troubled, muddled, confused feeling of, "everyone thinks he's so good and I can't believe I'm behaving like this..."
Years ago, a friend and I were "improving our marriages." We both wound up pregnant. Her life always seemed much more difficult because he was an outwardly mean butthead. But, around this time she was encouraging me not to give up. On life, actually. A lot of horrible things had happened. Now, I realize that it wasn't simply the things, it was the twisted blame. The being forced to perform. The being told that I was shameful. He has never changed his mind on this. I mean, he can't help it if I'm just not up to par, but he loves me anyway.......and it sounds so holy. But it makes me feel like trash. It is the view that makes me feel like prostitute.
But, when I get dropped back into the drowning, it's hard to see, hard to think, hard to do anything but simply survive. However, I am thankful for the moments of clarity. They are becoming more frequent. Which means the other times are that much more painful because I am more aware. I'm willing. Willing to walk through. Willing to fight for a woman who loves deeply, is committed, is generous, is kind. I'm tired of being viewed as the mean one.
While this realization hurts every time I manage to have the moments of clarity, it beats the heck out of the troubled, muddled, confused feeling of, "everyone thinks he's so good and I can't believe I'm behaving like this..."
Years ago, a friend and I were "improving our marriages." We both wound up pregnant. Her life always seemed much more difficult because he was an outwardly mean butthead. But, around this time she was encouraging me not to give up. On life, actually. A lot of horrible things had happened. Now, I realize that it wasn't simply the things, it was the twisted blame. The being forced to perform. The being told that I was shameful. He has never changed his mind on this. I mean, he can't help it if I'm just not up to par, but he loves me anyway.......and it sounds so holy. But it makes me feel like trash. It is the view that makes me feel like prostitute.
But, when I get dropped back into the drowning, it's hard to see, hard to think, hard to do anything but simply survive. However, I am thankful for the moments of clarity. They are becoming more frequent. Which means the other times are that much more painful because I am more aware. I'm willing. Willing to walk through. Willing to fight for a woman who loves deeply, is committed, is generous, is kind. I'm tired of being viewed as the mean one.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
What I Fear
I feel like I am losing the ability to simply live. Like I am straddling two lifestyles. I used to be an open, communicative person. Then, sometime during marriage I learned to talk only about the good things. It wasn't intentionally hiding....it was this feeling of being respectful. And now, I'm trying to be able to talk about the truth of things, but I find that I struggle greatly. I am stuck. I need a place to go. I can't figure out what I'm going to do tonight. Go sit in my car somewhere is what I often do. I do have to go get milk. But I can't really draw that out until bedtime.
Nowhere to cry. No time. No room. And there's always this need to be ok. Don't want to trouble anyone else. And lately, I've been a pain in the butt. Needy. Clingy. Blah. I hate that. I want to be ME. But finding her is so hard. It's like for every layer of crap I take off, I have to spend all of this time and energy on clean up. I just want to say, "you are not who you pretend to be. You have hurt me and humiliated me in ways that I don't know if I'll ever truly recover from. Just spare me more pain. Please." I mean, I'm not above begging.
What I fear is that I'll have to live this lie. That I won't find a way out of it. The swirling mess is hard to put to words. If someone asked me to articulate "why", I would be hard pressed. Tongue tied. Because it's so much deeper than one experience or some incidents. It is a lifestyle. It is like I've been indoctrinated to how to live a life that keeps things as peaceful as possible. Giving that up is scary. Because all hell may break loose.
I am the person he takes his anger out on. I am the one to blame when anything happens. When a friend's jerk ex blamed me, he said that it might be true. I will never get past that. How dare he??? When something goes wrong around the house, someone has to be blamed, it couldn't just have happened.
I am SCARED. He is coming home. I don't know why I am so terrified. I do in a way.....because keeping up the facade is killer. And I'm afraid that if I give it up I will hurt everyone and it will be all my fault.
I need to weep....not just tears, sobbing. My heart is broken. It has been. But now, on top of everything, I know that I will be the one to blame. How revolting.
Nowhere to cry. No time. No room. And there's always this need to be ok. Don't want to trouble anyone else. And lately, I've been a pain in the butt. Needy. Clingy. Blah. I hate that. I want to be ME. But finding her is so hard. It's like for every layer of crap I take off, I have to spend all of this time and energy on clean up. I just want to say, "you are not who you pretend to be. You have hurt me and humiliated me in ways that I don't know if I'll ever truly recover from. Just spare me more pain. Please." I mean, I'm not above begging.
What I fear is that I'll have to live this lie. That I won't find a way out of it. The swirling mess is hard to put to words. If someone asked me to articulate "why", I would be hard pressed. Tongue tied. Because it's so much deeper than one experience or some incidents. It is a lifestyle. It is like I've been indoctrinated to how to live a life that keeps things as peaceful as possible. Giving that up is scary. Because all hell may break loose.
I am the person he takes his anger out on. I am the one to blame when anything happens. When a friend's jerk ex blamed me, he said that it might be true. I will never get past that. How dare he??? When something goes wrong around the house, someone has to be blamed, it couldn't just have happened.
I am SCARED. He is coming home. I don't know why I am so terrified. I do in a way.....because keeping up the facade is killer. And I'm afraid that if I give it up I will hurt everyone and it will be all my fault.
I need to weep....not just tears, sobbing. My heart is broken. It has been. But now, on top of everything, I know that I will be the one to blame. How revolting.
Help
I think I'm drowning. Perhaps it is the self pity? But I don't really feel sorry for myself. No, drowning in all of this crap. I am so tired of this horrible feeling. Tired of living like this. Just went and put on ANOTHER layer of clothes. Nursing a headache. Stressed. Having trouble taking a breath. Chest tightening. A heart attack? No, dammit, this is how I feel when the "love of my life" is coming home. I am so exasperated that I have this plan for my living room...and I can't start. I get paralyzed.
A friend asked me the other night if I was moving out because of something I said that sounded like I was moving...only moving furniture, if I could get over this paralysis. No way in hell am I moving. I'll kick his butt out. But he says he won't go. I told him a long time ago to leave. Has he no sense of compassion? He is so busy showing me how he's not my father, but my father owns who he is. He might not be a catch, but he is honest about who he is. Quick, can I change the locks? I am in serious panic mode. Worse tonight. He has no sports this week. Injured foot and all. I am deep breathing. Trying to remember that it's fine. That I can do as I choose. This is what I've always done when his mom comes to visit. It doesn't work too great. My head is pounding. I'm not feeling at all courageous. I want to hide. No confrontations. Because, I know that when it comes, it will not be pretty. I know that I'll tell him that he has to go. And then I guess the world falls apart. Everyone "knows" what they only suspected....I am a bitch....and a heartless bitch to boot. To do such a thing to such a good and nice guy. How dare I? And I want to be ready. Because while I might be a bitch because of this, I refuse to resort to sitting around explaining it to everyone. And I know....Oh gosh, I KNOW that all of the do gooders will come along and tell me how wrong I am. How I have blown it. HOw I am sinful. And I want to shout, "I don't care....I just have to breathe....I just have to know that abundant life IS for me.....I have to do what it takes to live....". But, I won't. I'll probably skulk away while everyone whispers about me. I'll get phone calls to suddenly meet for lunch from people who have never called me before......
My personal favorite will be being pulled aside in church to give an account....which, I won't do.
I HAVE prayed. I HAVE given. I HAVE made exceptions, forgiven, been patient, been respectful (well, not so nice anymore, but still trying to be respectful in my detachment), I have given so much that if I don't back up, his self will swallow mine up. His needs. His desires. His behaviors.
I'm DROWNING!!! Can't anyone care that I'm drowning and not stop to explain how it's MY fault???That I shouldn't have gone in so deep. Should have had a life vest. Should have.......If only.......This is because.......
And, I'd be totally fine tallking all about that once I'm NOT drowning. But, right now, get me out of the frickin water before it's toooooooooo llllllaaaaattttteee. h e l p
A friend asked me the other night if I was moving out because of something I said that sounded like I was moving...only moving furniture, if I could get over this paralysis. No way in hell am I moving. I'll kick his butt out. But he says he won't go. I told him a long time ago to leave. Has he no sense of compassion? He is so busy showing me how he's not my father, but my father owns who he is. He might not be a catch, but he is honest about who he is. Quick, can I change the locks? I am in serious panic mode. Worse tonight. He has no sports this week. Injured foot and all. I am deep breathing. Trying to remember that it's fine. That I can do as I choose. This is what I've always done when his mom comes to visit. It doesn't work too great. My head is pounding. I'm not feeling at all courageous. I want to hide. No confrontations. Because, I know that when it comes, it will not be pretty. I know that I'll tell him that he has to go. And then I guess the world falls apart. Everyone "knows" what they only suspected....I am a bitch....and a heartless bitch to boot. To do such a thing to such a good and nice guy. How dare I? And I want to be ready. Because while I might be a bitch because of this, I refuse to resort to sitting around explaining it to everyone. And I know....Oh gosh, I KNOW that all of the do gooders will come along and tell me how wrong I am. How I have blown it. HOw I am sinful. And I want to shout, "I don't care....I just have to breathe....I just have to know that abundant life IS for me.....I have to do what it takes to live....". But, I won't. I'll probably skulk away while everyone whispers about me. I'll get phone calls to suddenly meet for lunch from people who have never called me before......
My personal favorite will be being pulled aside in church to give an account....which, I won't do.
I HAVE prayed. I HAVE given. I HAVE made exceptions, forgiven, been patient, been respectful (well, not so nice anymore, but still trying to be respectful in my detachment), I have given so much that if I don't back up, his self will swallow mine up. His needs. His desires. His behaviors.
I'm DROWNING!!! Can't anyone care that I'm drowning and not stop to explain how it's MY fault???That I shouldn't have gone in so deep. Should have had a life vest. Should have.......If only.......This is because.......
And, I'd be totally fine tallking all about that once I'm NOT drowning. But, right now, get me out of the frickin water before it's toooooooooo llllllaaaaattttteee. h e l p
One Another
I treasure the one another verses. I used them when training my children. I like how they influence life. I think that they help me to show kindness since I tend not to be a servant kind of person. I have learned to do so. Learned more of what it means to give from the heart. I have loved them for years. But, I think that I have focused on the "one" part. On the giving. On doing my part of that. But, I realized today as I was praying that what makes the one anothers beautiful is not one doing it for others. It is about the anothers....the doing within relationship, reciprocal, back-forth, round-n-round. There is beauty in that. In each meeting the needs of the others. Serving the others. And today I was sad because I realized that my life has that in so many places, but not in my marriage. And I have always still believed it is my job to do the one anothers...,but, when it is not reciprocated, it is like pouring fresh water into the Dead Sea. It all just ends there.
Today was a very hard day. Crushing in a way I have yet to fully understand. And yet, beautiful in so many other ways. It always amazes me how life can be that way. How is USUALLY is that way.
I wonder what marriage means to him....looking like it is good for everyone else? Because it hasn't been healthy for a very long time. And, right now, in this time of not fighting, which I greatly appreciate....it's still not healthy, it's simply on hold. It's not talking about anything big because I can't handle any more fighting. So, there's a kind of uneasy peace. But there is no foundation to build something better on. But I keep wondering how the fake is keeping the spirit of what marriage should be. Are people who live miserably and unkindly, more spiritual because they stayed together? I don't think so. He does. Because staying together is the rule. Not being healthy. Not being kind. Not doing it wholeheartedly.
And I couldn't have that on my own. You can't make someone be your friend. Can't make someone see you. You can't communicate enough to make someone care or feel something that they simply don't feel.
He says that I don't get to decide. What he means is that he doesn't intend to let me decide what I need. That he'll only do what is good for him. How sad that makes me. I wish he could actually know me and know how hard this is. How hard and how far it has to have gone for me to be in this place. How much I've tried to be what he needed. Wanted. Desired.
And now, how I can't wait for him to be gone in the morning or on a weekend. How my heart calms when I realize that he is busy. How I panic when I have to be with him. Because how do I say these things? I've tried. Skip the dating game, I feel like I'm living the waiting game. Waiting for him to realize that I mean what I have already said. Waiting for him to see that my heart has been so squashed that I can't fill it back up to offer it to him again right now. It would kill me in a horrible way to have him crush it again. Maybe not literally, but in every sense.
Why do I feel so abused? Maybe because the one anothers were not given to me. Maybe because he only wants me as someone to use to fill himself up.
But he doesn't have anything to give in return. Because he doesn't know what I want or need. He can memorize a song. Trivia. Remember facts from long ago, but I am not in that part of his mind....because I have never held that place in his heart. I hold the "I am committed and so I will never leave" place. And I have grown to despise it. But he says I'm supposed to appreciate it. That it's biblical.
I am really hurting today. And soon he'll be home. Here come the tears again. When will the charade end so that I can have some extended time to heal. When will I be able to get off of the emotional roller coaster?
Today was a very hard day. Crushing in a way I have yet to fully understand. And yet, beautiful in so many other ways. It always amazes me how life can be that way. How is USUALLY is that way.
I wonder what marriage means to him....looking like it is good for everyone else? Because it hasn't been healthy for a very long time. And, right now, in this time of not fighting, which I greatly appreciate....it's still not healthy, it's simply on hold. It's not talking about anything big because I can't handle any more fighting. So, there's a kind of uneasy peace. But there is no foundation to build something better on. But I keep wondering how the fake is keeping the spirit of what marriage should be. Are people who live miserably and unkindly, more spiritual because they stayed together? I don't think so. He does. Because staying together is the rule. Not being healthy. Not being kind. Not doing it wholeheartedly.
And I couldn't have that on my own. You can't make someone be your friend. Can't make someone see you. You can't communicate enough to make someone care or feel something that they simply don't feel.
He says that I don't get to decide. What he means is that he doesn't intend to let me decide what I need. That he'll only do what is good for him. How sad that makes me. I wish he could actually know me and know how hard this is. How hard and how far it has to have gone for me to be in this place. How much I've tried to be what he needed. Wanted. Desired.
And now, how I can't wait for him to be gone in the morning or on a weekend. How my heart calms when I realize that he is busy. How I panic when I have to be with him. Because how do I say these things? I've tried. Skip the dating game, I feel like I'm living the waiting game. Waiting for him to realize that I mean what I have already said. Waiting for him to see that my heart has been so squashed that I can't fill it back up to offer it to him again right now. It would kill me in a horrible way to have him crush it again. Maybe not literally, but in every sense.
Why do I feel so abused? Maybe because the one anothers were not given to me. Maybe because he only wants me as someone to use to fill himself up.
But he doesn't have anything to give in return. Because he doesn't know what I want or need. He can memorize a song. Trivia. Remember facts from long ago, but I am not in that part of his mind....because I have never held that place in his heart. I hold the "I am committed and so I will never leave" place. And I have grown to despise it. But he says I'm supposed to appreciate it. That it's biblical.
I am really hurting today. And soon he'll be home. Here come the tears again. When will the charade end so that I can have some extended time to heal. When will I be able to get off of the emotional roller coaster?
Filling in the Blanks
Today I had to drive my husband to work. I seriously had to do deep breathing before he came and got in the car. I have to turn off the heat to drive him. Even with my seat warmer on, I was shaking cold. I am not a shallow person. I have trouble being fake. It's hard for me to make small talk. Through our marriage I have been the one to come up with topics....and how it works is that I throw topics out until he finds one he wants to talk about. I said this very early on in marriage. "You don't hear me unless it's something you are wanting to talk about....like sex...." He thought it was funny then. It has never changed. What makes these car rides so hard on me is that I have quit filling in the blanks. I have quit struggling to find something he'd want to talk about. So, after about halfway, he inquired about our son's new job. All I could think is, "don't you ever talk to our kids?" But, I knew the answer, so I answered his same questions as yesterday....which location? how many hours? what does he do? Then we got to his work and he got out and told me to have a good day. I said you too. And I drove off shaking. Blasted the heat. Went home for an hour in my house alone.
I have to fill in the blanks in conversation, but I also have to fill them in for his relationships with others. He gets information from me instead of finding out about them for himself. Several years ago I told him that if I ever died I wasn't sure he would be able to help his kids since he never talks to them about anything important. Just waits to get it second hand from me. I always called myself the translator. But it's more than that....it's like having to fill in what is missing.
I can't be both mama and papa. I am only mama. I have enough trouble figuring out how to do that. I adore these kids....now nearly adults. they are full of surprises and fun. They give back when I give out. Not always in good ways, but it is definitely relational. We work through things. One experience at a time. I am glad for them. But, without them, I couldn't be here.
That is a sad thought. Here I sit in the house with the heat cranked up and the space heater going drinking hot tea and wondering........without me filling in the blanks, will there be any connection at all? Not sure, but I need to know.
Be of good courage....I keep hearing that as I pray. I need courage. For I am worn out. In every way possible. Troubled. I always thought that I'd be a good wife. Here I sit. A failure.
I have to fill in the blanks in conversation, but I also have to fill them in for his relationships with others. He gets information from me instead of finding out about them for himself. Several years ago I told him that if I ever died I wasn't sure he would be able to help his kids since he never talks to them about anything important. Just waits to get it second hand from me. I always called myself the translator. But it's more than that....it's like having to fill in what is missing.
I can't be both mama and papa. I am only mama. I have enough trouble figuring out how to do that. I adore these kids....now nearly adults. they are full of surprises and fun. They give back when I give out. Not always in good ways, but it is definitely relational. We work through things. One experience at a time. I am glad for them. But, without them, I couldn't be here.
That is a sad thought. Here I sit in the house with the heat cranked up and the space heater going drinking hot tea and wondering........without me filling in the blanks, will there be any connection at all? Not sure, but I need to know.
Be of good courage....I keep hearing that as I pray. I need courage. For I am worn out. In every way possible. Troubled. I always thought that I'd be a good wife. Here I sit. A failure.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Hard Hearted
I know that if I say anything, I am going to get accused of being hard hearted. Of dwelling in the past. Of not being forgiving enough. And those thoughts bother me. Because I don't want to be those things. I desperately see a need for a different foundation. I am unable to move forward as we are. However, he is acting nice. Acting as if nothing ever has happened. Ignoring my pain. Because then it will mean tat I will change and act the same. But I won't anymore. I feel sorry for him. He expects me to keep doing what he wants me to. And I need to do something else.
I fantasize about some time alone. Not without my kids, but time where I don't have to keep figuring out how to cope. Time where my stomach doesn't clench. Time to write. Time to heal. Time to not be constantly wondering what I should do. Time not to have to worry about it. I don't know what that could look like. I wish we could do it kindly. That I could say what I need and that he could respect me enough, love me enough to allow me what I need. That's the thing though......we're not exactly on that kind of level.
I want to be able to be angry and not sin. I think I have some very good reasons to be angry. I think that asking him to give me a "sabbatical" could be wise. Perhaps it is not conventional, but if it brings healing, then maybe it will catch on. I know, what's the difference in a sabbatical and a separation. I don't really know. The word. It's more about a reprieve. A time of soul searching. A time of learning. A time of seeing what direction life should take. It seems less combative.
He has already said that I can't do that. And I wonder. Can I? I mean, really what's keeping me from it? I'm a grown up. It's not like I'm just making some spur of the moment decision. This has come after lots of soul searching. Lots of pain. Lots of trying. It's not like we had one fight and I said get out. I am going to have to lay it all out for him, but the trouble is that I don't have a clue. And while he believes it of me, I am not at all hard hearted. I hurt for him. But I can't live ONLY for him. Especially when he has never bothered to know me and reciprocate that kind of commitment. Marriage has to have both to really work.
I want time in my own room. Time to decide. I don't take my commitment lightly. But I do find it odd that we can't even have a serious conversation about my needs without it always turning about him.
He hurt himself this last weekend. He is hobbling around after playing basketball. And, normally I would jump in, check it out, make sure he gets it looked at. He has pointed this out. At this point, he's on his own to do those things. He should do it, but he moans and hobbles by me to let me know how I am not doing my job. This would be the same man who had a cow about me having to buy migraine medicine. Or go to the chiropractor. His world revolves around him. And saying that makes ME feel like the selfish one. I don't know how come. It just does. It's like I'm never allowed to simply say what I want or need. There's always guilt. If I ever hear about how my body belongs to him again, I might just kick him.
And yet, he still says, "dear." I literally shuddered last time. It was a thank you for the dinner. He is very careful to say thank you for cooking. He behaves as if I am doing things to make him happy. I"m not. I'm happy enough to let him eat, but I am so detached that it's not my concern anymore.
Wish I didn't think that he's right. That I'm the mean one. That I'm the uncommitted one.
I was committed to having the real thing. Truly was. All in. I just can't do the sham anymore. Can't "play house." I need stability. I need to be able to trust the people who live in my own home. I don't trust him anymore. I keep trying to bury it under. Keep trying to make it look better, but frankly, he has really hurt me. More deeply than I will ever be able to explain. Because I have never mattered enough to bother to get to know. So, now is so hard because I can't draw on him knowing me and understanding. It's like trying to teach him over and over, but he refuses to see anything but what he wants. He wants to stick his blank in my blank and then all will be fine.....and if I have to drink or cry or whatever in order for that to happen, he simply does not care. But if I say that then he'll say he cares. But I've said it several times before and he hasn't cared. He just keeps telling me how nothing should be wrong in marriage.
Cold again. I don't want to be hard hearted. I just need to get better. And I don't know any way to do that except by letting everyone down. It makes me ill.
I fantasize about some time alone. Not without my kids, but time where I don't have to keep figuring out how to cope. Time where my stomach doesn't clench. Time to write. Time to heal. Time to not be constantly wondering what I should do. Time not to have to worry about it. I don't know what that could look like. I wish we could do it kindly. That I could say what I need and that he could respect me enough, love me enough to allow me what I need. That's the thing though......we're not exactly on that kind of level.
I want to be able to be angry and not sin. I think I have some very good reasons to be angry. I think that asking him to give me a "sabbatical" could be wise. Perhaps it is not conventional, but if it brings healing, then maybe it will catch on. I know, what's the difference in a sabbatical and a separation. I don't really know. The word. It's more about a reprieve. A time of soul searching. A time of learning. A time of seeing what direction life should take. It seems less combative.
He has already said that I can't do that. And I wonder. Can I? I mean, really what's keeping me from it? I'm a grown up. It's not like I'm just making some spur of the moment decision. This has come after lots of soul searching. Lots of pain. Lots of trying. It's not like we had one fight and I said get out. I am going to have to lay it all out for him, but the trouble is that I don't have a clue. And while he believes it of me, I am not at all hard hearted. I hurt for him. But I can't live ONLY for him. Especially when he has never bothered to know me and reciprocate that kind of commitment. Marriage has to have both to really work.
I want time in my own room. Time to decide. I don't take my commitment lightly. But I do find it odd that we can't even have a serious conversation about my needs without it always turning about him.
He hurt himself this last weekend. He is hobbling around after playing basketball. And, normally I would jump in, check it out, make sure he gets it looked at. He has pointed this out. At this point, he's on his own to do those things. He should do it, but he moans and hobbles by me to let me know how I am not doing my job. This would be the same man who had a cow about me having to buy migraine medicine. Or go to the chiropractor. His world revolves around him. And saying that makes ME feel like the selfish one. I don't know how come. It just does. It's like I'm never allowed to simply say what I want or need. There's always guilt. If I ever hear about how my body belongs to him again, I might just kick him.
And yet, he still says, "dear." I literally shuddered last time. It was a thank you for the dinner. He is very careful to say thank you for cooking. He behaves as if I am doing things to make him happy. I"m not. I'm happy enough to let him eat, but I am so detached that it's not my concern anymore.
Wish I didn't think that he's right. That I'm the mean one. That I'm the uncommitted one.
I was committed to having the real thing. Truly was. All in. I just can't do the sham anymore. Can't "play house." I need stability. I need to be able to trust the people who live in my own home. I don't trust him anymore. I keep trying to bury it under. Keep trying to make it look better, but frankly, he has really hurt me. More deeply than I will ever be able to explain. Because I have never mattered enough to bother to get to know. So, now is so hard because I can't draw on him knowing me and understanding. It's like trying to teach him over and over, but he refuses to see anything but what he wants. He wants to stick his blank in my blank and then all will be fine.....and if I have to drink or cry or whatever in order for that to happen, he simply does not care. But if I say that then he'll say he cares. But I've said it several times before and he hasn't cared. He just keeps telling me how nothing should be wrong in marriage.
Cold again. I don't want to be hard hearted. I just need to get better. And I don't know any way to do that except by letting everyone down. It makes me ill.
Greatness
I used to believe in being great. Not in everything. Not better than others. I simply believed that the world was full of greatness. Of marvels. Of journeys and adventures. The excitement was practically endless. And, I used to be nearly fearless. It's strange to me how having grown up so much on my own, I was so confident and able to move forward. Able to believe great things were coming. Able to see good in the midst of life. For all of the relationships that I had to deal with that I didn't choose, for all of the circumstances that should have annihilated me. God was faithful. I learned at a young age. Directly from Him. As He made paths straight for the one who had no idea that she shouldn't be able to accomplish such great things.
And I met my husband. And married him. Still believing in great and wonderful things. Not daunted by troubles. But, he has worn me down over the years. Constant worry is his clothing. Constant competition. I didn't know that the one thing that I expected to make life and it's journey more joyful, more full, more fun, more complete, would be the one thing that would threaten to be my undoing. But it's true.
Today, I am buying a couch for $30. I have a bit of a stomach ache over it. It's beautiful rose fabric. It's comfy, I hear. If it were just me, I would be ecstatic. But, buying anything causes my mouth to go dry. My heart to race. My stomach to do flip flops. Because the one who could encourage me and bless me instead terrifies me. Not by hitting me. By making me feel small and unworthy. By keeping his eyes always on my inability to be responsible. My being careless with money. My lack of neatness. My lack of sternness. My.....whatever it is that isn't enough. And so, I sit here feeling the incredible chill that feels like it begins deep in my bones and consumes me whenever I'm trying to make a decision that scares me.
His love does not cast out my fear....it awakened it. My relationship with him makes me second guess every little thing. It makes it almost impossible for me to decide. But, I have made great strides. And I intend to believe in greatness again.
I intend to live fearlessly. To leap to the arms of the everlasting God knowing that whether I get it right or wrong, He is there catching me and causing good to come. Not angrily observing what a failure I am. I am brave. Not because I am amazing, but because an amazing God has shown me the beauty and extravagance of His care for me. Because He has carried me through so many things. Because He has kept me alive.
I must do this. For, if I do not, I will be breathing, but I will not be living. He almost crushed my will. My desire for life. My exuberance. My sense of peace. Of joy. Of wonder. And that is who I am. The seed had shriveled up. Been stored away. And I don't know why it's now, but I feel God awakening that seed of who I am. It's appropriate that it is Spring, I guess. Because something new is growing. Stronger each day. I believe in the beauty of life. In it's simpleness. In it's troubles and sorrows as well as it's joys and triumphs. And I am going to reclaim that part of who I am.
But I'm still afraid of him. So, I'm thinking that I need to cuddle up with my Father and be comforted. Let Him hold my hand and walk before me. Let Him pick me up when I fall over in fear and trembling. But, I will trust that I will get up again. Because His greatness is at work. In me. And the me that He created, He takes pleasure in. And she loves the greatness of all He has made. Of all He does. Of all of the possibilities that exist.
And I met my husband. And married him. Still believing in great and wonderful things. Not daunted by troubles. But, he has worn me down over the years. Constant worry is his clothing. Constant competition. I didn't know that the one thing that I expected to make life and it's journey more joyful, more full, more fun, more complete, would be the one thing that would threaten to be my undoing. But it's true.
Today, I am buying a couch for $30. I have a bit of a stomach ache over it. It's beautiful rose fabric. It's comfy, I hear. If it were just me, I would be ecstatic. But, buying anything causes my mouth to go dry. My heart to race. My stomach to do flip flops. Because the one who could encourage me and bless me instead terrifies me. Not by hitting me. By making me feel small and unworthy. By keeping his eyes always on my inability to be responsible. My being careless with money. My lack of neatness. My lack of sternness. My.....whatever it is that isn't enough. And so, I sit here feeling the incredible chill that feels like it begins deep in my bones and consumes me whenever I'm trying to make a decision that scares me.
His love does not cast out my fear....it awakened it. My relationship with him makes me second guess every little thing. It makes it almost impossible for me to decide. But, I have made great strides. And I intend to believe in greatness again.
I intend to live fearlessly. To leap to the arms of the everlasting God knowing that whether I get it right or wrong, He is there catching me and causing good to come. Not angrily observing what a failure I am. I am brave. Not because I am amazing, but because an amazing God has shown me the beauty and extravagance of His care for me. Because He has carried me through so many things. Because He has kept me alive.
I must do this. For, if I do not, I will be breathing, but I will not be living. He almost crushed my will. My desire for life. My exuberance. My sense of peace. Of joy. Of wonder. And that is who I am. The seed had shriveled up. Been stored away. And I don't know why it's now, but I feel God awakening that seed of who I am. It's appropriate that it is Spring, I guess. Because something new is growing. Stronger each day. I believe in the beauty of life. In it's simpleness. In it's troubles and sorrows as well as it's joys and triumphs. And I am going to reclaim that part of who I am.
But I'm still afraid of him. So, I'm thinking that I need to cuddle up with my Father and be comforted. Let Him hold my hand and walk before me. Let Him pick me up when I fall over in fear and trembling. But, I will trust that I will get up again. Because His greatness is at work. In me. And the me that He created, He takes pleasure in. And she loves the greatness of all He has made. Of all He does. Of all of the possibilities that exist.
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