Filling in the Blanks

Today I had to drive my husband to work.  I seriously had to do deep breathing before he came and got in the car.  I have to turn off the heat to drive him.  Even with my seat warmer on, I was shaking cold.  I am not a shallow person.  I have trouble being fake.  It's hard for me to make small talk.  Through our marriage I have been the one to come up with topics....and how it works is that I throw topics out until he finds one he wants to talk about.  I said this very early on in marriage.  "You don't hear me unless it's something you are wanting to talk about....like sex...."  He thought it was funny then.  It has never changed.  What makes these car rides so hard on me is that I have quit filling in the blanks.  I have quit struggling to find something he'd want to talk about.  So, after about halfway, he inquired about our son's new job.  All I could think is, "don't you ever talk to our kids?"  But, I knew the answer, so I answered his same questions as yesterday....which location?  how many hours? what does he do?  Then we got to his work and he got out and told me to have a good day.  I said you too.  And I drove off shaking.  Blasted the heat.  Went home for an hour in my house alone. 
I have to fill in the blanks in conversation, but I also have to fill them in for his relationships with others.  He gets information from me instead of finding out about them for himself.  Several years ago I told him that if I ever died I wasn't sure he would be able to help his kids since he never talks to them about anything important.  Just waits to get it second hand from me.  I always called myself the translator.  But it's more than that....it's like having to fill in what is missing. 
I can't be both mama and papa.  I am only mama.  I have enough trouble figuring out how to do that.  I adore these kids....now nearly adults.  they are full of surprises and fun.  They give back when I give out.  Not always in good ways, but it is definitely relational.  We work through things.  One experience at a time.  I am glad for them.  But, without them, I couldn't be here. 
That is a sad thought.  Here I sit in the house with the heat cranked up and the space heater going drinking hot tea and wondering........without me filling in the blanks, will there be any connection at all?  Not sure, but I need to know. 
Be of good courage....I keep hearing that as I pray.  I need courage.  For I am worn out.  In every way possible.  Troubled.  I always thought that I'd be a good wife.  Here I sit.  A failure.