Detached

That's me.  Detached from one person.  It's sad.  I am learning that I really have the potential to be a good friend.  I probably should have been able to be a good wife.  decent at least.  I don't think that I am as awful as I've been thinking.  I mean, I have lots of faults, but I've been thinking about my work, the places I am and I realized that I am pretty good with people.  Not incredibly outgoing, but able to be kind and pleasant.  Able to be real.
Working has been good for me.  Let's me see who I am again.  To remember that I have skills and talents.  That there are people who see the good I am able to do.  And who see my weaknesses and are ok with that too.  It's like God gave me the perfect jobs to start out in.  It comforts me. 
But, I am detached for safety's sake in my marriage.  Maybe one day that will change.  I really can't say.  I've stayed married longer than I thought I could over a decade ago.  Kept going.  It was hard.  But, though I would mention the divorce word, it wasn't really my thought about how to handle things.  It was more like, "I don't want to wind up divorced, so let's.....".  And, the cost of divorce is so high on so many fronts.  Mostly, back then, I knew that the loss of friends would kill me.  Friends were closer than family in some ways.  They were here.  They were the day to day support.  And, there was always knowing that even to my family it would be my fault.  That sucks.  While I really don't want to create a "my side"/"your side" scenario, I wish that I had that place in the world where I knew that there was someone simply on my side.  No parents around.  Grandparents gone.  Pretty much nobody to be that.  But it's ok.  At least I'm not the great disappointment to them. 
I should sleep.  Really tired.  I need real rest, not just sleep. 
He sat here.  I played Scrabble.  He waits for this to pass.  There is no action.  Simply ignoring.  Waiting.  I'm waiting too.  But differently.  I am getting stronger.  I am learning how to not live bitter.  I am learning that sometimes hopes and dreams are delayed.  But it is about the journey.  About the learning.  But I am also learning that I need peace to survive.  I can't live in survival mode for years more. 
One day, answers will come, I'm sure of it.  But for now, I will guard my heart.  It's my only one.  I don't get another.  Not with walls.  But with boundaries.  With truth.  With how I really am, not how someone wishes I was. 
Funny, I put my clothes in the washer yesterday.  They disappeared.  But when I got home from work, they were back in the washer still wet.  Kids said dad was doing laundry.  Guess mine was put in a basket somewhere or something and then put back in the washer a day later.  Weird.  Just like other things.  I don't get it.  And, I'm too tired to try.