Problem of Being Kidnapped

A nice day I have had.  Except for a near panic attack about considering buying something at the thrift store.  $3 sandals and a two dollar shirt....but having new, if he notices, causes a lecture.  "You know that we don't have much this month.  We have a lot of bills coming up."  Do you know that he has never once come to me and said that we have a little extra and would I like to take the kids and do something special.  Ever.  It doesn't happen.  He makes me ask.  I don't ask anymore.  I get the kids their gifts on my own.  I buy clothes when they need them.  For that, I guess I'll fight. 
But, the problem is that I still have to go home.  I still have to face the accusing spirit.  I still have to live it.  And I cry just thinking of it.  He is my hiding place, but lately, I feel very vulnerable, very visible. 
I know that I could go home and do my stuff.  Could fight through it.  I just don't have it in me.  Not sure why.  But it's hard.  Just can't face the bombardment that comes with it.  I'm so done.  I'm sure it's ever so evil. 
Shoot, tomorrow is church again....and I didn't make the plan for a new place.  And I want to see one of the youth play in orchestra.  And I want him not to be so front and center so that I can just be still there.  I don't need much.  Just some worship time.  Just a little peace to start my week. 
I have to clean out my cupboards.  And my drawers.  And my freezer.  I have to clean my trim work.  Rearrange my living room.  Paint those flowers on the piano. ;)  It's hard to DO who I am when I am paralyzed.  And it's happening more and more.  It's like I've finally let down a barrier and I'm caught without a guard.  Scares me.
I can be friendly.  I can be nice.  That's not the problem.  I don't feel a need to be grouchy.  I just feel a need to be left alone.  For a good long time. 
I don't want to go back.  I want to be with my kids.  I don't want to be unhidden in the living room.  I don't want to have to get up at a certain time.  I don't want to have to make everything ok.  I just want to have time to figure it out.  I need time in my own home.  Some time to putter around.  Some to rest.  I feel like I run all of the time to keep away enough to stay sane.  Or, as sane as I am.  Not so much.
Today has been fun.  I've done my best to keep the thought of return from my mind.  I'm weary.  That's good. 
I wish I trusted who I am.  Wish I felt like I was good enough.  Worth it.  I KNOW it, but I don't FEEL it.  I feel like pond scum.  But, I keep trying to lean on what I KNOW......not what I feel.  It's hard. 
I want a better life.  I want to choose.  I want to have a say in my own life.  And I feel like that is somehow morally wrong.  And that disturbs me.  I wish I were like those good women who know how to make their husbands happy.  I've tried.  I've failed.  I'm sick of trying.  Though everyone has good ideas and things I should do....simply not interested anymore.  I gave it all.  Really all.  I told him that we were coming to the end of all.....I felt it.  I asked him to back away and give us time to heal so that I wouldn't go past a point of no returning.  He refused.  He likes control.  He likes to live in the upsetting rut.  I despise it.  I feel sad for him.  He's not evil.  I don't think....but he's not a good husband to me.  He uses me.  And I am weary of it. 
Lucky a ransom wasn't asked when I was kidnapped.  Not sure he'd paid it.  Oh, wait, that is a good thing??