Omissions

We have this funny story that has been told through the years about a trip to Texas.  While stopped in a small, West Texas town for gas, my husband got out and stood by the gas tank for awhile.  He turned the little lever and stood by the car.  Then, he went in to pay.  Being a good wife....and in order to allow the people behind us to get to the pump, I pulled away from the pump to go park to pick him up.  I didn't know that he had left the nozzle in the car.  And I pulled the hose out of the pump.  The company took our information and said they'd let us know if we needed to do anything.  Now, me, being me, found it rather amusing....I mean, I never knew that could happen.  It was totally an accident.  But, my husband was nervous and the nervousness on top of the Taco Bell that he had eaten for lunch caused severe stomach distress.  We were in the middle of NOWHERE--no trees, no towns, no nothing.  Finally an overpass boasted a few columns that looked like a worthy stopping place.  I pealed off the highway, handed him the wipes and waited.  He hurried over and came back a few minutes later; apparently there were houses on the other side of the columns.  So, I took off again.  We skidded into a Dairy Queen parking lot where he disappeared into the building and did not come out for a long time.  When he did, he had an ice cream cone.  He had felt obligated to purchase something since he had basically rented out the bathroom for the afternoon.  We fed the ice cream cone to the baby.  But, what is never said in the family lore is how angry he was with me.  How he was ranting about how it was going to cost $500 or more.  How I should have known.  He was furious.  Nervous.  Worrying.  Troubled.  It was not the light moment that gets told.  But, I did have trouble not laughing...which did not end the irritation, but rather increased it.  He was worrying and moaning about how badly he had to go.....it was one of those classic moments.  He loves telling it now.  I kind of cringe when I think of how I felt.  What could have been easily forgiven was not forgiven until months had passed and the gas company had not charged us.  They had insurance for such things.  I wish it could have simply been a funny memory.
Or there was the trip to Disney World.  I worked for it.  Planned for it.  Arranged it.  We took seven of us to Orlando for 11 days for about $2500 including hotel, airfare, car rental and five day passes to the parks.  It also included a dinner show and multiple trips to the beach.  But, the worry of money while we were there was ever present.  Most of the money had come from my grandmother as our Christmas gift.  Some was from a tax refund.  It was the only thing our five children and we got for Christmas.  It was a once in a lifetime trip.  We speak of it fondly.  Talk about how great it was that the parks were not crowded.  But we don't speak of the massive fight over what we could do regarding money.  I had the spending money figured in as well--for meals, souvenirs and gas.  We were forced every morning to rise early in order to get the most for our money.  I was exhausted.  The kids were pooped.  We went non stop.  He didn't want to let them spend the spending money for souvenirs.  We had a long fight in the hotel room while they waited in the parking lot of a hotel to go have a fun day.  I wished I was there without him.  So he wouldn't guilt them into not spending what they wanted to.  Oh, it's a "happy" family memory, but not exactly.
Or the trip to California.  He ended up driving home a day earlier than I with the kids.  I stayed to clean up the rental and then to shop for my business on the way home.  By the time he finally left, I was a basket case.  I needed another week on the beach to try to calm down.  After he was gone, I was physically ill.  Nearly passed out in the bathroom where I threw up.  His demands and assumptions always floored me.  All while acting like the nice guy.  I am tense just writing about it.  It was awful.  I have never been so glad to see anyone leave.  Of course, I did miss the kids.  He took them to stay at a sleazy hotel with doors that opened to the parking lot and they had to have more than one room.  But, hey, it was cheap.  Seriously?  I could have gotten you a nice hotel for the same price on Hotwire....
Family history has been written to make things good for kids.  Stories are told with a good slant.  But, sometimes I wonder if they remember the other things.  I hope not.  I hope that they remember laughter and fun and playing.  I hope that they remember feeling safe and loved.  Because they are the reason I have tried so hard to keep things normal.  They are why I work so hard for him to look good.  They have been totally worth it. 
Unfortunately, now they are older and have to suffer the guilting and shaming.  That's why I just don't know if I can play my part anymore.  What's the point?  For them, it was worth it.  Not now.