Peace in the Storm

Last night I was kidnapped.  Taken from home.  I didn't call.  I didn't keep my phone nearby.  I rested.  I slept without drugs....well, mostly.  I had to wake up and worry about a kid that hadn't arrived home and whether he was supposed to be out all night when my own son texted me to say that he was staying at a friend's house.
But, I slept.  Even in my clothes.  This morning I am antsy.  Feeling like I should be more responsible.  But, I woke up.  And I have things to do today.  But before the day began, I got to burn a whole bunch of files in the fireplace.  Pyromania it's not.  Pyrotherapy it is.  It feels good.  Purging.  Clearing.  Getting rid of the old to  make room for the new.  It works for fields and it works in my life.  Clearing out what is not good and needed so that other things can grow in the place.  That means that I have to have something ready to replace the old stuff....I don't just want to fill my life with "weeds".  I want beauty and things that matter.  I want fun and laughter.  What I miss about not wanting to be present on the weekend is my kids.  I LOVE being with them.  They are fun and smart and giving and caring.  But I don't want to have them in the midst of tension.  They lived through so much already.  He would send them to the car to go somewhere and then stay and argue for an hour.  Used to drive me crazy.  They would come in wondering where he was.....poor things.
What used to really get me was when he would try to draw them into something to side with him. At that point I said that if he ever did it again, I would kick him out.  They did  not need to be a part of that.  They deserve as much peace as I can give them.  But in the carrying it, I wonder if I've damaged something.  In me.  I thought that I could do it.  I can do all things through Christ has been my mantra......but lately, I just feel like I was a complete idiot.
But, there was time of peace.  Though I struggled to go to sleep with the thoughts in my head, I did sleep.  And that is a good thing.  I need time to do some things at my house.  When I am not sure.  Have to fill out graduation announcements soon.  Plan the party.  A couple of days ago, I realized that I can do that party.  If I just don't think about all of the other stuff.  I am able.  If he puts up the ugly fence.....aaaarrrrgggghhh.  Just finishing something that has been started would be good.  He works all of the time, but finishing is tough.  And if I ask it makes him mad, so I have learned to wait.  Or do it myself.
My daughter and I are going to paint the bathroom eggplant.  And she wants rugs.  Had to tell her I couldn't buy new rugs and stuff all at once but that I would over time. 
I keep thinking that the problem is that he's the good guy.  He's the one that makes all of the women tell me how lucky I am.  How blessed I must feel.  And that is at the crux of why I think it's all my fault.  Maybe fault doesn't matter, but I have been trained well to assign guilt these years.  Ha.  And, generally, it was just easier to take it on myself. But now I'm too tired.  Maybe I need to burn some more garbage.  That might help....