Skills

My ego is very fragile these days.  I've spent the day working on my living room.  Since I have this time home without my husband, I am trying to be very productive.  I have done a good job, I think, of moving around the furniture.  But, I have not great ability at making it cute.  I can picture it.  Now, how can I DO it?  I'm deep breathing.  Like hearing him say all over again last summer when he went away for a few weeks and I said how I needed that time because I can't function when he's around and being critical.  And he said, "yeah, we'll see...".  He thought that I couldn't keep up while he was gone on his trip.  That made me mad.  And very sad.  And frustrated that he set me up to have to try and please him while he was gone. 
I need encouragement.  Adore my kids, but they are in their own little worlds today.  I am having a hard time.  I need to hear a different voice.  I need to know that I am able.  But, it's kind of like if you are the only one reading your writing....hard to know if it's good if nobody else sees it. 
I  think I've probably overdone today.  Tired and weepy.  Sometimes I get weary of trying to talk positive to myself.  Today is one of those days.  Too much to do.  Only me to try to pull it together.  My kids do good stuff, but in this I am on my own. 
But it's that voice in my head.  It's killing me.   I just want to silence the voice that I'm not good at this.  That I don't do it well.  It has stolen enough of what I love doing.  I hate it.  I hate that I feel like I have to keep working now because I know I won't be able to do it when he arrives home.  My body and spirit are both weary.  I am sad.  And yet, I can't seem to let myself rest.  I need to learn. 
I wish I had more skills, but I do have some.  I'm having a hard time, a very hard time, acknowledging them today.  I feel incompetent.  But, in my mind, I know that I'm not.  It's that struggle of trying to live what is true.  I need to make a new tape.  I need to know that what I am doing can be good.  Maybe it even IS good.  But, I am losing the battle today.  Hope to get back on top of it.
Oh God, hear my prayer.  I hear a voice that isn't yours, condemning me, harassing me.  I need Your peace.  I need Your encouragement.  I am hurting so much.  I am so needy.  But You will meet me.  You will be my all.  You will comfort me. 
Time to dry my tears.  Time to get back to work.  Can't do well if I don't do at all. 
Oh my, how can I do this?