Relief in Sanity

Sometimes the crazy feeling gets to me.  Like, "if he's a nice guy, then how in the world do I feel like this?"  Yesterday was one of those days.  But then, slowly, in the night, of course, it started to clarify in my mind again.  How he twists what I say when I try to tell him how I feel.  How he cries to make it about him.  How even when I clearly state, "I feel uncomfortable driving you to work right now....", he spends a week saying, "maybe you could drive me to work tomorrow."  And, today, when cars were going to be short and he was going to go to early morning bible study and I asked him if one of the guys there could swing him by work (they are mostly retirees....) and he said that he leaves 15 minutes earlier than them and that he would take the car and come back for me to take him to work.  I mean, right or wrong, I have said that it makes me uncomfortable.  I have asked to find other ways.  But, only I find the other ways.  But, the good part is that it was that very conversation that reminded me of how our lives have been.  I AM a communicator.  Though he tries to make me feel like I am not.  I will say, if given the chance, what I need......but he will only pretend to listen and then he will simply continue doing what he wants, or, most of the time, he will take what I say and make it an accusation of my own character. 
While this realization hurts every time I manage to have the moments of clarity, it beats the heck out of the troubled, muddled, confused feeling of, "everyone thinks he's so good and I can't believe I'm behaving like this..."
Years ago, a friend and I were "improving our marriages."  We both wound up pregnant.  Her life always seemed much more difficult because he was an outwardly mean butthead.  But, around this time she was encouraging me not to give up.  On life, actually.  A lot of horrible things had happened.  Now, I realize that it wasn't simply the things, it was the twisted blame.  The being forced to perform.  The being told that I was shameful.  He has never changed his mind on this.  I mean, he can't help it if I'm just not up to par, but he loves me anyway.......and it sounds so holy.  But it makes me feel like trash.  It is the view that makes me feel like prostitute. 
But, when I get dropped back into the drowning, it's hard to see, hard to think, hard to do anything but simply survive.  However, I am thankful for the moments of clarity.  They are becoming more frequent.  Which means the other times are that much more painful because I am more aware.  I'm willing.  Willing to walk through.  Willing to fight for a woman who loves deeply, is committed, is generous, is kind.  I'm tired of being viewed as the mean one.