Restore

Been working on my son's computer today.  He needs to restore it.  However, there are no restore dates available.  Dilemma.  No place to go back to.
Twould be nice if life had restore buttons.  But, along the way, it's important to make restore points.  To have a place to go back to.
I am having a weird day.  I can't seem to find my way.  I know how.  I pray.  I know God's word is true.  I feel alone.  I feel too needy.  I feel embarrassed because of it. 
I need a restore button.  Restored to the joy I once knew.  To the hope that soared within. 
Need to just figure out how to do this on my own.  It's like I have all of these emotions and it's not allowed.  So, I'll figure out how to suck it up.  How to get going.
But today I decided to do my bday with the family early......that way I can do what I want for my "real" day.  I certainly don't want him to do anything.  It would seem so stupid.  I can't possibly tell the whole crowd that comprises my life.......so, I'll endure another birthday, but not on the day.  The day is for me.  I need it.  I am troubled.  I don't want to have to pretend on my day. 
Here I sit in front of kids, choking back tears.  I wish that I had parents around who would celebrate me.  I feel unseen.  Need a hug.  Need love.  Need to tell.  But, I won't.  I'll just suck it up.  Still.  God carries.  Why does it not feel like enough.
I know how bad it is.  I guess I feel like I need permission to protect my heart.  I keep thinking I can just do it, but then I wish deeply for the ok to do so.  I am so beaten down.
Time to go and try to figure it out.  Big sigh.  Back home.  I want it to be my home.  Desperately. 
I want to be renewed.  Not just restored.