Greatness

I used to believe in being great.  Not in everything.  Not better than others.  I simply believed that the world was full of greatness.  Of marvels.  Of journeys and adventures.  The excitement was practically endless.  And, I used to be nearly fearless.  It's strange to me how having grown up so much on my own, I was so confident and able to move forward.  Able to believe great things were coming.  Able to see good in the midst of life.  For all of the relationships that I had to deal with that I didn't choose, for all of the circumstances that should have annihilated me.  God was faithful.  I learned at a young age.  Directly from Him.  As He made paths straight for the one who had no idea that she shouldn't be able to accomplish such great things. 
And I met my husband.  And married him.  Still believing in great and wonderful things.  Not daunted by troubles.  But, he has worn me down over the years.  Constant worry is his clothing.  Constant competition.  I didn't know that the one thing that I expected to make life and it's journey more joyful, more full, more fun, more complete, would be the one thing that would threaten to be my undoing.  But it's true. 
Today, I am buying a couch for $30.  I have a bit of a stomach ache over it.  It's beautiful rose fabric.  It's comfy, I hear.  If it were just me, I would be ecstatic.  But, buying anything causes my mouth to go dry.  My heart to race.  My stomach to do flip flops.  Because the one who could encourage me and bless me instead terrifies me.  Not by hitting me.  By making me feel small and unworthy.  By keeping his eyes always on my inability to be responsible.  My being careless with money.  My lack of neatness.  My lack of sternness.  My.....whatever it is that isn't enough.  And so, I sit here feeling the incredible chill that feels like it begins deep in my bones and consumes me whenever I'm trying to make a decision that scares me. 
His love does not cast out my fear....it awakened it.  My relationship with him makes me second guess every little thing.  It makes it almost impossible for me to decide.  But, I have made great strides.  And I intend to believe in greatness again.
I intend to live fearlessly.  To leap to the arms of the everlasting God knowing that whether I get it right or wrong, He is there catching me and causing good to come.  Not angrily observing what a failure I am.  I am brave.  Not because I am amazing, but because an amazing God has shown me the beauty and extravagance of His care for me.  Because He has carried me through so many things.  Because He has kept me alive.
I must do this.  For, if I do not, I will be breathing, but I will not be living.  He almost crushed my will.  My desire for life.  My exuberance.  My sense of peace.  Of joy.  Of wonder.  And that is who I am.  The seed had shriveled up.  Been stored away.  And I don't know why it's now, but I feel God awakening that seed of who I am.  It's appropriate that it is Spring, I guess.  Because something new is growing.  Stronger each day.  I believe in the beauty of life.  In it's simpleness.  In it's troubles and sorrows as well as it's joys and triumphs.  And I am going to reclaim that part of who I am. 
But I'm still afraid of him.  So, I'm thinking that I need to cuddle up with my Father and be comforted.  Let Him hold my hand and walk before me.  Let Him pick me up when I fall over in fear and trembling.  But, I will trust that I will get up again.  Because His greatness is at work.  In me.  And the me that He created, He takes pleasure in.  And she loves the greatness of all He has made.  Of all He does.  Of all of the possibilities that exist.