Boundaries

I am learning.  Always learning.  As I am working with my kids today, it is a constant reminder of how I need to teach them.  I need to always be the adult.  Though I absolutely adore them and look forward to the day when we will simply be "peers".  That day has not come for us yet.  It's hard for me to make them do what they should sometimes because their dad is so consumed by performance.  I fight the urge to just let them veg all of the time.  It's like I'm trying to compensate.  Today, as I had my younger three children working, I was seeing how they struggle.  Especially my baby.  She doesn't believe that when I say a half an hour that I mean a half an hour, so she kills time instead of working hard.  That's because their dad never lets work time be done.  I guess I haven't done it enough with the younger ones.  I have to find good and healthy boundaries.  Teasing and having fun but not simply letting them do what they want because I feel badly about how life is these days. 
Sleeping on my own has helped me immensely in boundaries.  In knowing that I have that space.  It doesn't always work out, but I know that it was a huge step.  I used to worry about it.  I try not to anymore.  Try to enjoy how it is.  Try to enjoy the breathing a bit more. 
How to set boundaries with my husband simply evades my grasp.  I keep trying.  I need to be in charge of my own body.  Not because I don't believe in becoming one, but because he misused that scripture to take advantage of me.  And I need to learn to let it be ok to say no.  Then I feel guilty.  I have heard and read all of the christian books about how it's my fault if he is temped by others because he's not getting what he wants at home.  But, what if what he wants is devastating to me?  It feels like the more things I get, the more questions I have to go with them.
I want to learn how to be good to my children and still be a parent.  To have them work, but to encourage them to play and rest too.  It will take doing with all of the other stuff going on, but I am up to the task this spring break.  Time at home.  Time.  YES!! 
And, having a job is going to help.  Because then I can pay them for things that I feel they deserve to be paid for.  He doesn't like them to get money for working.  I think that some things are expected and some things are above and beyond.  I want to have a balanced view.  A good view. 
My kids are amazing.  They make me smile every day.  In spite of me, they excel.  They learn.  They grow in wisdom and in stature.  And, my love for them knows no boundaries.