Goal

Most people make goals.  Or spend lots of time trying to achieve goals.  I have lately been asking myself what is the goal of life?  I always thought that it should be to please the One who made me.  To honor Him by a life that is what He wants to do with it.  But the world doesn't view it that way.  Especially the "church".  Life IS supposed to be about pleasing God, but only in the context of keeping a slew of people happy, it seems.  Don't do this.  Volunteer for this.  Act like this.  Dress like this.  Pray like this.  Study the Word like this.  Make your kids behave like this.  Think like this.  And while I think that there is great wisdom in much of what is said, I fear that it is following the model of the world....of conforming.  To a better standard?  Definitely.  However, conforming and performing have the same result no matter the venue.  I end up miserable.  Because I was created uniquely.  Carefully.  With forethought.  With a plan.  It is really hard for me to believe that, but the longer I live the more I keep coming back to it.  Fitting in just for the sake of fitting in doesn't make life better.  And, it doesn't make me more spiritual.  But, honestly, sometimes it makes me FEEL more spiritual.  Because I have a measuring stick that is visible....can look around at everyone else and see how I'm doing. 
At our house, I've learned that being uncomfortable is a show of being spiritual.  My husband refuses to use heat in the car when he takes the kids to school.  Says that they should learn to bundle up.  Same for the house....if we are uncomfortably cold, that should be some lesson.  But, I am finding that there is no grace there.  There's no compassion.  And my children have learned that.  And it saddens me.  Perhaps they will feel like they are less because they desire warmth.  Because they don't want to suffer.....
There are times to suffer.  For doing what is right.  For standing firm when the world says no.  When giving still....though you have little.  That is spiritual.  But, simply suffering, I'm pretty sure not.
My husband likes to keep us uncomfortable.  It's like it gives him a sense of control.  That people have to come to him to get what they need or want.  It's the same way he is with money.  My kids won't ask him for money. And he doesn't just offer any if they are going somewhere.  It's crazy.  If this man's kids asked him for bread, he WOULD give them a stone instead if he thought it would work.  He has a selfish heart except about himself.  He always wants the good stuff.  If the kids buy something to eat, he wants it.  If anyone has something good, he thinks he should too.  From a soda to a meal.
But in the end, I feel angry, but mostly sad for him.  He totally doesn't get what it takes to give to the people in your life.  He believes that by withholding you get them to do better.  By doling out in a stingy fashion.  Like a dog with treats.  But in the end, what he is getting, is aloneness in the world.  People all around.  Yet alone.  I tried to kick down that door.  Worked and worked.  Wanted him to see.  I just don't care if he does anymore.  He is a big boy making big boy choices.  And I can't make choices for him.
But I can make choices for me.  Learning to do so is VERY hard.  He guilts me.  I guilt me.  It's like I can't possibly have hope of a life where I am allowed to simply live happily.  Joyfully.  Contentedly.  What a sad thing.  I'm going to try though.  I want my kids to know what it is to really please God.  To live fully.  Abundant life.  Not stingy lives.  What do you save it all for....so that you die with the most?  Crazy.  To me.  If I get old and have a lot, those in my lives are going to be taken places, given experiences; they will be a part of what I have.  And, if I get old and have little, they will still be taken places and given experiences; they will still be a part of what I have.
Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to survive the now.  Goal 1.