I awakened this morning to dappled sunlight coming through the curtains. On my mind was all of the thing sI was going to do for my house. It was fun. But, the thing that struck me most about it all is how when I had an apartment, I did things, but I never worried about it. When I got married, I planned gardens more carefully than my decor. But, I liked the pretty things; I've always been able to be content with or without them. When I had my apartment, when I was single, I had huge bookshelves. All kinds of books. For teaching. Novels. Some how to. bible studies. It was amazing. I have donated more books in my lifetime than most people in the world have owned. I do not take that knowledge lightly. And I had pictures that I liked. And a few little mementos. I had a comfy couch that I hauled myself from someone else's apartment down the way. It was a hide a bed, so you KNOW how heavy it was. I had the important dishes. And enough for a little company. I had cute chairs. For my table. No computer. Ha. Unheard of.
I loved my apartment. And never once did I stress if I had done it well enough or kept it clean enough. Until the day after I got married and my mother in law went to "help" pack it up. We were moving. She could have gone to her sons apartment, but, she went to mine. And suddenly, I was the subject of ridicule. I didn't think much of it at the time, though I was embarrassed.
That day was a precursor to my life. I have never done it "right" since. And while I have grown in my abilities, I have faltered in my confidence. I "get" more things now. I get how things work. I can see it. It's not just about things I love....although, that is the very first key for me....it's about how to make those things fit together.
But I have been robbed these years of confidence. Of the sense of self worth that it takes to try to make a place beautiful.
However, I have managed to still have a home that my kids' friends enjoy coming to. That lots of people have visited. I put the people first, the stuff second. I have hard wood floors. They are not as important as the people coming in....I would NEVER ask them to take off their shoes to come into my house, but my husband is obsessed by the stuff. It's funny, it is the one thing that I absolutely won't budge on. My home is for people. It is to reach their hearts. It is to feed body and spirit. Speaking of food, He also is not very nice about how much people take, whether they finish it all or not. He stands over it all judging what is happening. He knows I hate it...because I tell him so. When he cooks, he under cooks the amount. He is stingy with what he has. While I talk about the chickens and the other things that hurt me, this is probably one of the most basic things at the root of all things. This home is the place I have to reach out. To invite people into my life. It has to be safe. It has to be comfortable. It has to be loving, not condemning.
It doesn't mean that I don't think that kids should be thoughtful, but if I ask him to quit riding the kids about what they are eating or whether they take off their shoes. Or whether the door closes the moment it opens. Or whether they take too much food and don't finish it. He tells me that I am not teaching them right. I say that it's not my job to teach everyone's kids and that embarrassing our own in front of everyone is never a good idea. Our home has managed to be this place by the grace of God. He has given many people shelter here. I love that. Regardless of it all. He has met the need of my heart.
I will never be an interior designer. I will never have loads of everything. But, I will be kind and hospitable. It has been hard to hold onto that. My husband whittles away at it. He mopes and behaves in ways that show me what he thinks even if others don't take note. But, I used to wait to say to him what I thought if he made the kids feel badly....I don't anymore. I guess that this home is the battle field that I will win. I will maintain this.
I might not have a sense of how to hang the pictures. I might not know exactly how to arrange everything. But, I do know how to relax and let my guests relax. I do know the deep need of people's hearts to not feel like an intrusion but like a treasure. I know.....because I live as the one who is a bother every day. I hate it. I will never ever have anyone else have to feel that because of me.
This is my house. But, more, it is my home. A place to build not equity, but relationships. A place to teach and experience joy and hospitality. In this one place I need to for certain not lose the battle. I had started to, I realized.
My son said last night that it looked like I'd finally, after all of these years, moved into the living room. Like we weren't still unpacking, he said. I couldn't say that it was because I had decided something really hard. But, I was amazed by his observation. It was like I became present. Not that it was all perfect, but that it was comfortable. His girlfriend came and oohed and aahed. She liked it very much and settled at the table with her computer and jewelry making supplies. It was warm. The heat was on. It was comfortable. There were lights on. It was cozy. But, it was finally right because it had made people feel at home. Yesterday I kept struggling with what wasn't right. And, technically, there are lots of things. But, for me, what was missing was the human response to rest and relax and feel like it was just right. That did it.
This is my house. This is my home. Here, I draw the line. He took so much from me. He will not take this from others. I will preserve it for my children. My legacy of how to be a host. I may not have anything else to give them, but that alone will bring them years and years of great satisfaction and fulfillment. They will have blessed lives by simply having that one little thing from me. So, I will give it. I will fight for it. I will maintain it more carefully than a mechanic troubles himself over a classic car.
And though it takes all of my willpower and energy to stand up and say that who I am in this is enough and is worthy.......I am going to do it. Because while I might be able to sink into feeling that I'm not worth it, he will NEVER get me to believe that the people I love aren't worth it. Interesting. I'm not a bad friend after all. Just struck me. I might sacrifice me. I would never sacrifice them.
This is my home. It will be a haven for many. Or few. Depending on the season. But it will be a haven. And.......today I am going to set about making it MY haven as well.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead. Make my day. Leave me a comment.