Walking Tall

I have consciously been reminding myself to stand up and walk tall.  To move forward in confidence.  Because Jesus walks before me.  Always.  Every day.  And loves me.  No matter what.  And my simple posture helps me to remember that.  It's easy to live slouched down.  Easy to let the troubles of my marriage define me. 
But, they don't.  They simply don't.  God is still calling me.  Still believing in the plan He has for me.  Still about creating good from my life.  Even if it looks like I've royally screwed up.  He still speaks to me.  He still hopes in me.  And instills faith in me. 
But I have to stand up.  I've been slouching, cowering, hiding for too long.  It has become a lifestyle.  I am not proud of it.  It is my own doing.  That part.  I have spent too much time being afraid of what will happen if I refuse to comply, refuse to behave as expected or simply speak how I feel without having the other person even understand.  I am not responsible for the understanding.  I am responsible for living a real life.  As a real person.  Not someone I am trying to be as I go along in order to make a happier life.  I know...I KNOW.....he always tells me, "it's not about happiness...", but I disagree.  And I am allowed.  I don't think that my life's goal is to "be happy", but I think that being happy is a great indicator of what I am doing in my life and whether I am on track.  Because God says He wants to give me an abundant life. That He wants to fill me with joy.  That He IS life.  I want to live like that. 
How do I tell someone after so long that he has not given to me?  Has not seen me?  Has not encouraged me?  Has not cherished me?  Has not protected me?  Has not been patient with me?  Has not shown an interest in me?  Has not found a way to help me to become who I am?  It's so hard.  I tear up.  He does not get it.  I have said it so often.  I have tried for so long to let him know what I need.  But for some reason, I am not important enough.  I lack something that connects inside him to draw out that kind of response. 
I can't stand that he doesn't tithe.  He tells me it's my fault.  I can't stand that he is stingy with the kids; I have never heard him offer them money to go do something fun.  Well, he will take them on a birthday or Christmas outing.  I'm talking about offering his son some money to take out his girlfriend.  Or his daughter to go with her friends.  Not only that, but when they do buy something, he makes them feel like they squandered their money.  He never comes and says, "there's a little extra money, why don't you go buy yourself something." 
He didn't know when our son got a job...because our son didn't bother to tell him.  Because he made him feel like it was all about money.  When, for our son it's about so much more.  Independence and the chance to feel grown up.  To feel respected.  He so wants respect.  And he let me know right away that he got a job.  And my other son let me know when he had a program...but not his dad.  I guess that I'm trying to say that what I am seeing is that those feelings that I have been struggling with are filtering down to our kids.  And it hurts me deeply.  I so tried to let them know that their dad loves them.  I tried to be the "translator" for so very long.  I tried to hold it together.  But, now they are older and now they are living through what I feel.  A lack of support.  A lack of interest.  A lack of desire to really engage with anyone for any purpose that is not his own.  For instance, he is on time to his things.  When the kids need to be somewhere, they will go to the car and he will spend 15 minutes inside doing dishes, turning off lights or whatever......to prove that they are lacking in what they should have done. 
I want my children to walk tall.  I want to walk tall.  I am going to have to be really me.  I am going to have to be the one on the line.  I am going to have to do it even though I want to tuck my head under my arm just thinking about it.  And, maybe I'm not strong enough yet, but it IS coming.  God is leading and encouraging and showing.  I am learning.  Mostly, I am leaning.  He is able.  To do everything.  Anything.  All of the time.  And right now, I can't give my husband my whole heart.  he can wait if he chooses.  Or he might now.  It is up to him.  I can't decide for him.  But, I can decide to have the time to heal.  Because I am the one who has to live my life.  I don't know why it makes me so afraid.  Oh, I guess I do.  The battle.  The same old battle.  Obviously I am not "christian enough" or "willing enough" and isn't there supposed to be unlimited chances?  I have heard them all.  I have heard how he doesn't go out drinking with the boys.  How he doesn't beat anyone.  I have heard the litany of all of the bad things he doesn't do.  But today I realized, the bad that we don't do does not offset the good that we could do.  He has failed to do the good.  To make something good.  To care enough to bother with the things that matter to me.  He can remember every trivial thing he ever hears, but he has not a clue what I like, how I want my coffee, how I think, what is important to me.  He refuses to hear me when I talk about what makes me feel guilty....like not tithing.  Or that it hurts that he has never taken the time to lead our boys into how to make a biblical decision.  It's hard.  He is missing so much.  And all he does is try to play a game.  Calls me dear.  Asks me if I want to go out to dinner with a political guy and his wife in town.  I said no.  He was stunned.  I said that he could go.  I don't know how to be any plainer to him.  He has lost an attachment with me.  He doesn't miss it because HE never had it....but I did and it was really painful to have to pull away.  Like ripping off a huge scab.  But it was do that or suffer from the infection.  I am not trying to be mean.  Just trying to survive. 
However, when I confront him....yet again.....it will be a battle.....and I'm not sure how to best handle it.  I wish he was a friend.  He feels like an enemy.  I wish that he could see me.  I wish he could know how hard I am trying not to hurt him more though he has hurt me as deeply as anyone ever has.  And that is saying a lot. 
So, for now, I'm going to learn to walk tall.  To stand up.  To practice being authentic....EVEN in my marriage.  Doesn't that seem ridiculous?  What a sad thing to have to say. 
If you have found this place, you are probably in a hard place too.  It's not easy, but it IS possible.  You are loved and cherished right where you are by the One who made you.  Take courage, He has overcome.