Alive

I feel like I'm living in limbo.  Like the world is moving on, but I can't really make plans going in any direction in my life.  Well, I do, but they don't include everyone, so I feel guilty and try to not think about it.  But my heart soars when I think of what could be.  For the first time in a very long time.  That I could have dreams and follow them.  And, I DO have dreams.  Big dreams.  Little dreams.  Hopes.  I want to find out who I can really be when not under the shadow of being "she who is not enough."  I want to be alive in today.  Instead of waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.  But I don't know how to do that without being a complete jerk.  I am patient.  I just don't want to waste what time there is not being who I am meant to be.  And it's a little hard with the "dear" man breathing down my neck waiting for me to jump into bed.  He looks pathetic, but you know, he has never owned it.  He has never tried to do anything different.  He has never seen me as worth the effort.  Always just waits until I remember to behave.  I've told him that I just can't do it anymore.  He doesn't believe it.  Because I always jump back in and makes things right in his world.  See what he needs and fix it up.  Well, at least I should have gotten the title of hero for doing that for so many years....alas, I did not because I did not do it well enough. 
But I am alive.  And He is alive.  And He wants me to have life abundantly........I've been really wondering what that will look like.