Candles

Love the light of candles.  Of ambient light.  Like soft types of light.  A chandelier will do nicely as well.  But, I like plenty of light too....so, while I like candles and lamps, I usually have several on at a time.  Every room I walk out of, no matter for how long, he turns out the lights.  Turns off the oven when I'm heating it.  Or in the middle of something.  Changes which porch lights are on.  won't put a back porch light up that we can control.  He wanted the light sensor one....it doesn't work.  So, I guess it DOES save electricity.  I like music to be playing around the house even if I'm not in the room at the time.  I like books.  Lots of books.  I don't too much like knick knacks.  Though, I have some that I've had out because they are family memorabilia.  I like black frames and photos.  Especially candids.  He bought me a painting once.  He didn't choose it.  Said someone else told him which one to buy.  I like it.  But.....well, it doesn't have the meaning it could.  It is pretty, though.  My favorite photos a friend took.  She has a knack for catching people at their best.  In more than just photos.  I feel like the things that I like most have been put aside.  And it feels like a weight sitting on my chest...crushing the breath out of me.  Because it's as if I look around but I'm in a glass ball. No way to get to the things I want to do.  Paralyzed.  Tonight I was hanging some curtains, thinking that he had already been home and left again.  I had just gotten down when he ran in the house, late for choir.  I went to the computer.  Checked out. 
And yet.......what can I do?  I don't see any way to make it better.  I have prayed for years.  I have talked.  I have asked.  He has gone to men's retreats and come back with things he should do....it's good for about three weeks.  But overall, I just can't seem to get over the fact that I feel misused.  I wanted to say abused, but nobody would get that.  Nothing shows.  But, I do have the physical and emotional pain.  I feel the results.  My mind reels.  Why in the world have I allowed this to happen?  What could I have done differently?