Hard Hearted

I know that if I say anything, I am going to get accused of being hard hearted.  Of dwelling in the past.  Of not being forgiving enough.  And those thoughts bother me.  Because I don't want to be those things.  I desperately see a need for a different foundation.  I am unable to move forward as we are.  However, he is acting nice.  Acting as if nothing ever has happened.  Ignoring my pain.  Because then it will mean tat I will change and act the same.  But I won't anymore.  I feel sorry for him.  He expects me to keep doing what he wants me to.  And I need to do something else. 
I fantasize about some time alone.  Not without my kids, but time where I don't have to keep figuring out how to cope.  Time where my stomach doesn't clench.  Time to write.  Time to heal.  Time to not be constantly wondering what I should do.  Time not to have to worry about it.  I don't know what that could look like.  I wish we could do it kindly.  That I could say what I need and that he could respect me enough, love me enough to allow me what I need.  That's the thing though......we're not exactly on that kind of level. 
I want to be able to be angry and not sin.  I think I have some very good reasons to be angry.  I think that asking him to give me a "sabbatical" could be wise.  Perhaps it is not conventional, but if it brings healing, then maybe it will catch on.  I know, what's the difference in a sabbatical and a separation.  I don't really know.  The word.  It's more about a reprieve.  A time of soul searching.  A time of learning.  A time of seeing what direction life should take.  It seems less combative. 
He has already said that I can't do that.  And I wonder. Can I?  I mean, really what's keeping me from it?  I'm a grown up.  It's not like I'm just making some spur of the moment decision.  This has come after lots of soul searching.  Lots of pain.  Lots of trying.  It's not like we had one fight and I said get out.  I am going to have to lay it all out for him, but the trouble is that I don't have a clue.  And while he believes it of me, I am not at all hard hearted.  I hurt for him.  But I can't live ONLY for him.  Especially when he has never bothered to know me and reciprocate that kind of commitment.  Marriage has to have both to really work. 
I want time in my own room.  Time to decide.  I don't take my commitment lightly.  But I do find it odd that we can't even have a serious conversation about my needs without it always turning about him.
He hurt himself this last weekend.  He is hobbling around after playing basketball.  And, normally I would jump in, check it out, make sure he gets it looked at.  He has pointed this out.  At this point, he's on his own to do those things.  He should do it, but he moans and hobbles by me to let me know how I am not doing my job.  This would be the same man who had a cow about me having to buy migraine medicine.  Or go to the chiropractor.  His world revolves around him.  And saying that makes ME feel like the selfish one.  I don't know how come.  It just does.  It's like I'm never allowed to simply say what I want or need.  There's always guilt.  If I ever hear about how my body belongs to him again, I might just kick him. 
And yet, he still says, "dear."  I literally shuddered last time.  It was a thank you for the dinner.  He is very careful to say thank you for cooking.  He behaves as if I am doing things to make him happy.  I"m not.  I'm happy enough to let him eat, but I am so detached that it's not my concern anymore. 
Wish I didn't think that he's right.  That I'm the mean one.  That I'm the uncommitted one. 
I was committed to having the real thing.  Truly was.  All in.  I just can't do the sham anymore.  Can't "play house."  I need stability. I need to be able to trust the people who live in my own home.  I don't trust him anymore.  I keep trying to bury it under.  Keep trying to make it look better, but frankly, he has really hurt me.  More deeply than I will ever be able to explain.  Because I have never mattered enough to bother to get to know.  So, now is so hard because I can't draw on him knowing me and understanding.  It's like trying to teach him over and over, but he refuses to see anything but what he wants. He wants to stick his blank in my blank and then all will be fine.....and if I have to drink or cry or whatever in order for that to happen, he simply does not care.  But if I say that then he'll say he cares.  But I've said it several times before and he hasn't cared.  He just keeps telling me how nothing should be wrong in marriage. 
Cold again.  I don't want to be hard hearted.  I just need to get better.  And I don't know any way to do that except by letting everyone down.  It makes me ill.