What I Fear

I feel like I am losing the ability to simply live.  Like I am straddling two lifestyles.  I used to be an open, communicative person.  Then, sometime during marriage I learned to talk only about the good things.  It wasn't intentionally hiding....it was this feeling of being respectful.  And now, I'm trying to be able to talk about the truth of things, but I find that I struggle greatly.  I am stuck.  I need a place to go.  I can't figure out what I'm going to do tonight.  Go sit in my car somewhere is what I often do.  I do have to go get milk.  But I can't really draw that out until bedtime. 
Nowhere to cry.  No time.  No room.  And there's always this need to be ok.  Don't want to trouble anyone else.  And lately, I've been a pain in the butt.  Needy.  Clingy.  Blah.  I hate that.  I want to be ME.  But finding her is so hard.  It's like for every layer of crap I take off, I have to spend all of this time and energy on clean up.  I just want to say, "you are not who you pretend to be.  You have hurt me and humiliated me in ways that I don't know if I'll ever truly recover from.  Just spare me more pain.  Please."  I mean, I'm not above begging. 
What I fear is that I'll have to live this lie.  That I won't find a way out of it.  The swirling mess is hard to put to words.  If someone asked me to articulate "why", I would be hard pressed.  Tongue tied.  Because it's so much deeper than one experience or some incidents.  It is a lifestyle.  It is like I've been indoctrinated to how to live a life that keeps things as peaceful as possible.  Giving that up is scary.  Because all hell may break loose. 
I am the person he takes his anger out on.  I am the one to blame when anything happens.  When a friend's jerk ex blamed me, he said that it might be true.  I will never get past that.  How dare he???  When something goes wrong around the house, someone has to be blamed, it couldn't just have happened. 
I am SCARED.  He is coming home.  I don't know why I am so terrified.  I do in a way.....because keeping up the facade is killer.  And I'm afraid that if I give it up I will hurt everyone and it will be all my fault. 
I need to weep....not just tears, sobbing.  My heart is broken.  It has been.  But now, on top of everything, I know that I will be the one to blame.  How revolting.