The Wooden Heart

I look for heart rocks at the beach.  Love it.  My son has gotten me to go down these steps to look three times so far.  It's fun....and kinda chilly in Oregon in February.  He's fun.  I found a heart.  I thought at first that it was one of the black rocks.  But it was wood.  Charred wood.  Smoothed by time in the surf.  No coal smudges from touching it.  Soft.  But...burnt.  Like me.  Not what it might have been.  But, something beautiful.  Something worth looking at.  Worth holding onto.  It's a special little memory of my time at the coast this time.  Very appropriate.  Burnt.  Damaged.  Thrown about.  Beautiful.
Great truths come from little happenings.
blessings.

Realization

I come to the coast.  My energy is up.  I feel like me.  I have had a couple of walks....90 steps to get down...90 to get up.  I haven't fainted.  I've cooked.  I've cleaned up.  Easy for two. ;)  This is the first time in so long that I feel free.  I feel comfortable.  At ease.  I am so thankful.  And.....I realize.
I realize that it's not simply being at sea level.  It's being free from the obligation to make things right for him. From the fear of his showing up.  I get to.......be at ease.  That is a gift that most take completely forgranted.  Not me.  I relish it.  I soak it up.  I sense the hugeness of what it will be to be this way as the norm.  I would actually be me.  Strong.  Full of life.  Able.  Fun.  Joy seeking.  Giving.  Encouraging.  And being given to as well.  I look forward to those days.  They will come.  They are coming.  Because I am choosing them one at a time.  I am able to make good choices.

grace to you.

Awake Early

Well, I get to wake up and then go back to sleep.  I get to choose.  I have a door on my room.  Pillows and blankets on a BED.  I have so rarely slept in a bed in nearly two years that people would be shocked.  It's a wonderful thing.  People take it for granted....feeling comfortable....feeling safe.....feeling accepted.  I don't.  I know what it feels like to constantly have to wonder what is coming next.  I know how it feels to be kept off center....given a sense that you are not enough...BUT that you have to stay because that is right.  I know how it feels to not have a place....even in my own home.  And because I know....it has changed me.  It has shown me how to give to people.  It has shown me what I need to do to get back to a place in life where I feel safe.  Where I don't have to practice breathing, but rather, I breathe.
That seems pathetic in some ways.  There are parts of me that wish that I had never gotten to this point.  That I had left much sooner.  Yet, I had to grow in my own time.  I had to give as many opportunities as possible.  I don't give up easily. I like that about me.  So I will just realize that with that comes the consequence of sometimes being misused by others.  That's ok, it always brings the pleasure of seeing people grow and learn and become amazing people.  It also gives me the chance to do the same.
Working on not regretting the past.  There's this part of me that wonders why I stayed after he told me he was ashamed.  And why I believe the false apologies.  And why I allowed it to keep on cycling.  It just took me a long time to define it.  I remember calling it a "rut"...a "habit".....I remember knowing that there was never a time that I could just talk to him reasonably about anything that really bothered me without a battle....without being guilted, having my words twisted, his crying, his feeling put upon.  And, occasionally, after hours, he would manage to apologize if I didn't give in.  As a last ditch effort.  But by then...it didn't mean anything.  It was a moot point.  He had already torn me down.  Shown me how little he respected me.  By then, it became a way to make me feel obligated to "forgive"....which in his terms means forgetting what had happened.  And I bought into it.  I believed that is how I was supposed to be.
And now I don't.
And that makes him mad.  Makes him sad.  Makes him........unsure.  Because he no longer is in control.  And he continually tries to "reason" me back to his way of thinking.  "Why have I decided after all of this time?" "Why won't I forgive?"
And you know, his questions are many but they finally have showed me something......he doesn't take any responsibility for the past behavior.  He still wants to take all of that time and make a last ditch apology and have me fall over in thankfulness and forget about it.
The fact that I won't.........he holds that against me.
I get it now.  Finally.  And that in itself has freed me.
My book says that some people free themselves a little at a time.  Trips.  Learning.  Getting away.  That's me.  I've been leaving for a long time.  Before I could even say why.  And I remember the horrible of feeling of when I had to go back to him....it was never joyous.  I never got it.  And now I do.
I celebrate all of the now I dos."  Because I have grown.  Because I am courageous.  Because   I am a decent and kind person.  For those who take the time...I am a good friend.
I am not like everyone else.  I'm simply me.  And finally I am remembering how much I love her.
blessings. 

The Coast

Here we are.  At the coast.  Happy.  Nice to be with my son.  He is pleasant to be with.  We are vegging.  TV.  Computers.  Tide.  Wind.  It's beautiful.  Our house sits up on the side of a hill right by the ocean.  Seventy three steps down.  It's beautiful.  We hear the waves.  We walk frequently out onto the balcony to feel the wind...to smell the ocean air.  nice.  Truly.
And while there is much on my mind, I am mostly just here enjoying.  Need to rest.  And this is the time.  And I will enjoy it.  Though there is so much that I could worry about.  But....why?
I have a life to live.  And while I grieve, I am also ready to live past it.
I want to have a life.  Get a life.  A real life.  Where I don't spend every day stressing.  I realized as I got on the plane to come on this trip that I spend an incredible amount of time and energy on making things ok.  On  making my husband feel better.  He doesn't do the same for me.  I am going to choose to relax.  I am practicing how to breathe.  How to feel.  How to stand.  How to relax my jaw.  My face.  My arms.  I'm learning.  I have to think about it.  Working on it.
And this will be a good time to do so.
blessings.

What I Owe

My husband has a way of letting me know that I owe more than I am giving.  And, in this time of pulling away, he is sure to point out how I owe it to our kids.  Owe it to God.  Owe it to our friends.  Owe it to him.  Owe.  Frankly, the only debt I have is to love.  That's God's view.  I can never pay God back for who He is nor what He has done.  I can't say thank you enough times.  And He doesn't mind.  He sees the thankfulness of my heart. He knows me.  He knows my heart and soul.  And He has declared me good enough....not on my own...He was willing to make up any deficits.  Love that.  My husband feels like I owe.  But I am not in his debt.  He did not own me.  Nor did he have the right to behave as he did.  He does not get to choose for me.  He does not get to make decisions regarding me.
One plus one always makes two.  Even in marriage.  Yes, one in a united front is the goal.  That's not the kind of one my husband has wanted...he wants us to meld into being him.  He cannot celebrate the differences.  Just as in the military, the squad is united AS one...but they are not REALLY one...they are many different gifts and talents brought together to vanquish a common enemy.  One plus one equals two.  I almost lost my number.
Driving tonight I realized how little he has given.  How much he has assumed.  How I have allowed religion and others...and especially him....to tell me that the best thing to do is to give more and more and more.  That dying to self meant giving up everything about myself.  No, it means dying to SELFISHNESS.  Not to who I was created to be.  Hmmm.....let me see....who hasn't learned how to be a PART of a family?  Doesn't co-parent.  Doesn't co anything.  Hmmm.  I have been so wrong.
Not anymore.  I am having an awakening.  I am growing stronger and stronger.  As I read.  Learn.  And...as my faith grows again.
I don't owe him anything.  he owes me for how far I have spurred him on.  For cheering for him.  For believing in who he could become.  For encouraging him.  For giving him great kids.  For covering his ass.  And it makes me angry that he doesn't even get that.  That he only sees that I am not going to KEEP doing it.
hmm.  jerk.

Cleaned out my purse...

Ok, I'm ready.  Purse is cleaned out.  Ok, have to pack a few of the necessities in the morning, but other than that....I am ready to roll.  Yep.  What adventures await?  Shopping?  Resting?  Lots of driving for sure.  Reading?  Oh, that reminds me...bought myself a book for Valentine's Day....;)
Got my kids the traditional day after the fact Valentine's candy.  That began when my daughter was born on Valentine's Day.  It means....much larger box of candy.  They like that.
Have a little cash for the trip.  Put all of my change in my piggy bank...still not as full as it was before it had to be donated to the general fund, but it's getting there.
I am waiting in anticipation.  For the fun.  For the stillness.  My son is pretty laid back.  Think we'll grill one night.  Something easy to eat will be our goal. ;)
And my friend will see her mama.  And that is a special thing no matter how old you get to be.  There are so many times that I wish that I could sit down and talk with my own mama.  Have her love on me.  But, though I can't, I have to say, I have been blessed by many to love me in my life.  And to love.  People who know how to love.  And who love me.  Well.  Generously.  Without holding back.  I haven't had that in my marriage.  It has been "if" love.  It has been "when" love.
Ok, I am so very tired.  And my hope is that he doesn't try to have a big conversation tonight.  He hasn't asked.  So, it wouldn't be polite for him to assume that I would want to.  He can't just barge in anymore.  He doesn't have that right anymore.
Life has changed.  I have changed.  I gave so much.  It caused me to grow.  But.....he is just beginning his first steps of knowing what that feels like.  I wish him well.  But I can't carry him through.  He is going to have to walk that road without my strength.
And I am taking a trip.  And he isn't happy.  And he is trying so hard not to say so right now.  Because he wants to impress me with how he has changed.  I'm not buying it.  I hear his controlling questions.  His intrusiveness.  His jealousy.  I wish that he could wish me well in the times in life when I actually get something that means something to me.  He can't.  He wants what anybody else had.  Always.
Purse cleaned out.  Bag packed but open.  The day is coming.  I am glad.
grace to you.

My Bag is Packed and I'm Ready To Go...

I realize that I have spent the last many years surviving by running away now and again.  Often to my trouble....as he is not understanding nor kind about the time that I need away.  And yet....how I long for it.  Desire it.  Not from everyone.  Specifically him.  I mean, who doesn't love a day or so all alone?  But this is different.  This is a feeling that I've had for a long time.
We went to the east coast a few years back.  He came.  But he had to fly back early.  I could hardly breathe until I dropped him at the airport.  I didn't walk in to the airport.  I dropped him at the drive through. This speaks volumes.....but he doesn't even know me that well...to know that I always like to walk people in.  I was so glad that he was on his way and that I was finally able to relax.  It has been like that for so very long.  It's as if I am constantly waiting to catch a breath.  To have a few moments to remember who I am.  How I work.  What I really think.  What I really want.
Reading this book, one of the things about whether you should go is if you feel lost and like it takes hard work and effort to find who you are again.  It sounds so.....worldly?  Yet, it resonates with me.  I've seen people get lost.  Women who begin to disappear.  Actually, I was pretty good at spotting them these years...perhaps because I knew it from my own life?  I always have to ACT like everything is ok at home.  Like it makes me happy.....living as he does.  I have to make the best of it.  Or, rather, I DID.  But now, I won't.  I won't have the papers served to him while I am gone because I know what the safe shelter lady said...I don't know what he will do.  He might say that I left the state...left him and the children.  He might lock me out of my home.  No, I will wait.
I think that I will find one of my heroes to deliver the paperwork.  The women that I know are STRONG.  Who can be frank but not unkind.  Thinking on it.  Praying on it.
I leave tomorrow.  Yes!!!
I am going to the coast.  This is the view from the house that I will be staying in.  I can almost hear the crashing of the waves.  The woman who owns the home is so......nice.  What a blessing.
There are times that I feel like God is going to refrain from blessing my life.  My choices.  My hopes and dreams.  Because I am not willing to live like this anymore.  And, my husband has let me know that I won't be living in God's will.  That I won't be giving my children what they deserve.  I know what he is saying.  And I wish that I could give them what they deserved.  But, he never joined me in that.  In all of these years, we could have truly given them what they deserved..  It is true  But is ISN'T my fault.  His decisions have brought me here.  And saying sorry at the last minute with an eye to how long it will take me to allow things to get back to "normal" doesn't hold much weight.  He changes to buy favor.  He changes to lure me into being and doing what he wants.  Bottom line, he doesn't really change.  Change takes hard work and a lot of time.  As does trust.  And the thing is that I do not trust him anymore.  I might again someday.  I can't really say.  I don't even think about it much.  Mostly, I think about who I need to be as a person.  How to survive.
And you know how I said that I was afraid that God wouldn't bless me?  That He would withdraw favor?  I want you to know that in my heart and soul, I know that isn't true.  Because He keeps showing me with every step.  Even when I have to hunker down and not work or take a day under a blanket.  He doesn't quit blessing me.  He holds me close.  He is a husband to me.  A father.  A comforter.  And most recently, today, after I read my chapters and figured out that I indeed have cause and indeed am at the point of no return, I wondered anew.....will He leave me to figure it out on my own?  And I went on the website that has sub jobs and there was a request for 2/29-3/5.  Not only that....but the request came from a man who completely intimidated me last year and made me feel less than professional.  We have crossed paths this year.  I have been in his class for an hour when he had a meeting.  Yet, he CHOSE me.  Wow.  It was huge.
Yes, I'm ready for this time away.  I am in desperate need of it.  I've been fighting the battle on the front lines and I need a bit of leave so that I can come back refreshed and finish what I've started.
God loves me.  Provides for me.  Hopes for me.  Gets me.  Doesn't give up on me.  And is never ever disappointed in me nor taken by surprise.  It might be a hard time for me, but never think that I am down and not getting up.  I am up and going higher up.  That marriage pit has held me back.  I know that it's not that for everyone, but it has been for me.  Like a life sentence.  Not a joy.  Not a gift.
Except for the kids.  True gifts every one.
grace to you.

Deep Breath

Went back to reading my Lundy Bancroft book.  Much better.  Nearly done with it.  Yes, you guessed it, I should go......took working through all of the chapters.  Having the chance to judge my responses in the exercises.  I know that it's time.  Now.....how to do it remains a bit of a mystery.
There are chapters for that too. ;)  But I am simply reveling in the lightness that came over me as I realized that the people who wrote the book actually got where I am...how I feel...what I wish...how hard it is....how strong I am....how much I have carried.  I can't ever explain to anyone how much I have carried.  How his apologies don't make it right.  How he never gets that he doesn't give...not just 50/50, but he doesn't give.  He takes.  And, beyond that, it has forced me to spend years taking care of his needs, trying to keep him happy, keep to myself what I need in order to allow peace at home.  He has been.......destructive!!!
And yes, I am angry.  Very angry.  Because he took all that I gave to him and now he wants to finally say, "oh, dear, i finally get it and so now you need to let me try to be better...."  and I don't want to.  No matter what anyone thinks.  Blech.
Yes, I can care and love.  And I can have boundaries.  And I deserve more deep breaths.  Been holding it too many years.
Wow.  That feels good.  Hope you are proud of me.  I know that I sure am.
grace to you.

Intense

I have been too intense.  It worries people around me.  It's funny because in some ways, I am so much better than before, but by letting my feelings show, by talking about what is going on....well, it's not what people are used to with me.  I am not used to it either.  I like looking at the good.  Living in the joyful moments.  I am kind of a bummer right now.  So....it's something that I can choose to change.  I don't choose to hide.  But I don't choose to be a constant, annoying drip either.  Balance.  My word.  A gift for me...and for others.
I am strong.  People are not used to seeing my complete weakness.
So many little things that I've hidden for so long.  How hard it was to do so many things.  And now....I don't make myself do them anymore.  But all of this change shakes other people's lives as well.  Consideration.  Kindness.  Understanding.  These must be a part of the path that I walk.  Along with learning that I can also be firm, decisive, and....I get to decide.  Yes, balance.
I've swung too far in "sharing".  In being open.  It can hurt people.  People who have their own things, own roads, own trials.  I long to be empathetic.  Loving.  Right now, I feel surrounded by the immediacy of what I must do.
So, I must do it.  I wish that someone could help me.  That someone could get how hard this is.  Serving papers will mean that he has ten days to respond.  And if he is feeling "threatened"....then that means hard times for the kids and I.  Because he is still here.  But if I don't, it means that I have given in completely.  I want to see what he has to write.  But it has been two days.  He wants to talk.  He wants to convince me.  He wants to make me empathetic towards him.  And I just can't put myself in that vulnerable spot right now.  And he doesn't respect that.  Which is sad...but, not surprising.  Because, if he did, chances are good that I wouldn't be to this point.
But, I must take a breath.  Or at least try.  And live more internal again.  Because everyone doesn't need to experience the crap.  I love them too much for that.
On to a good day....because tomorrow I leave for a nice trip to see my son.  Gotta pack.  Woot woot!
grace to you.  

I Always Wished

I always wished that my husband would get how to be the great dad to his daughter.  I wish that he would have brought her flowers or balloons or a special card today....her birthday and Valentine's Day.  I wish that he would give her that thing that her heart longs for.  That adoration.  That care.  She reads on facebook and hears at school how some dads treat their daughters so special.  And hers doesn't. I wish that he could have done that.  But he won't.  Because it doesn't give him something.  He only gives when he thinks he is getting.  He doesn't even realize it.  It doesn't even cross his mind to do that special thing.  And I've coached and tried.  But, I can't cause him to see how important she is.....I can't cause him to see how important I am.
So, I've wished and prayed.  But I am thankful that she and I are close and that she has brothers and good guy friends to meet her needs.  They won't fill it all, but they will help.
Tonight was good.  Hope he doesn't try to talk.  I'm too tired.
grace to you.