My husband has a way of letting me know that I owe more than I am giving. And, in this time of pulling away, he is sure to point out how I owe it to our kids. Owe it to God. Owe it to our friends. Owe it to him. Owe. Frankly, the only debt I have is to love. That's God's view. I can never pay God back for who He is nor what He has done. I can't say thank you enough times. And He doesn't mind. He sees the thankfulness of my heart. He knows me. He knows my heart and soul. And He has declared me good enough....not on my own...He was willing to make up any deficits. Love that. My husband feels like I owe. But I am not in his debt. He did not own me. Nor did he have the right to behave as he did. He does not get to choose for me. He does not get to make decisions regarding me.
One plus one always makes two. Even in marriage. Yes, one in a united front is the goal. That's not the kind of one my husband has wanted...he wants us to meld into being him. He cannot celebrate the differences. Just as in the military, the squad is united AS one...but they are not REALLY one...they are many different gifts and talents brought together to vanquish a common enemy. One plus one equals two. I almost lost my number.
Driving tonight I realized how little he has given. How much he has assumed. How I have allowed religion and others...and especially him....to tell me that the best thing to do is to give more and more and more. That dying to self meant giving up everything about myself. No, it means dying to SELFISHNESS. Not to who I was created to be. Hmmm.....let me see....who hasn't learned how to be a PART of a family? Doesn't co-parent. Doesn't co anything. Hmmm. I have been so wrong.
Not anymore. I am having an awakening. I am growing stronger and stronger. As I read. Learn. And...as my faith grows again.
I don't owe him anything. he owes me for how far I have spurred him on. For cheering for him. For believing in who he could become. For encouraging him. For giving him great kids. For covering his ass. And it makes me angry that he doesn't even get that. That he only sees that I am not going to KEEP doing it.
hmm. jerk.
One plus one always makes two. Even in marriage. Yes, one in a united front is the goal. That's not the kind of one my husband has wanted...he wants us to meld into being him. He cannot celebrate the differences. Just as in the military, the squad is united AS one...but they are not REALLY one...they are many different gifts and talents brought together to vanquish a common enemy. One plus one equals two. I almost lost my number.
Driving tonight I realized how little he has given. How much he has assumed. How I have allowed religion and others...and especially him....to tell me that the best thing to do is to give more and more and more. That dying to self meant giving up everything about myself. No, it means dying to SELFISHNESS. Not to who I was created to be. Hmmm.....let me see....who hasn't learned how to be a PART of a family? Doesn't co-parent. Doesn't co anything. Hmmm. I have been so wrong.
Not anymore. I am having an awakening. I am growing stronger and stronger. As I read. Learn. And...as my faith grows again.
I don't owe him anything. he owes me for how far I have spurred him on. For cheering for him. For believing in who he could become. For encouraging him. For giving him great kids. For covering his ass. And it makes me angry that he doesn't even get that. That he only sees that I am not going to KEEP doing it.
hmm. jerk.
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