You know, I don't like drama. It's so....wearing. What's the use? Why not just do what you need to do? Say what you need to say? And move on. I don't get it. But, my life seems to be a private drama these days. It's like I have to live through things that get me stirred up. That hurt me. That make me have to continuously be on guard or feeling exposed.
And yet, there is a part of me that is simply very thankful. I am thankful that I finally see. That I finally get it and know that it's NOT normal. That what I have been living through is not what should be expected of me. Not at all. That I have a right to expect peace. Calm. Acceptance. Kindness.
I'll tell you.........the emails are going to be tough right now. A lot to work through. A lot to figure out. Need to set dates. Plans. Money. It's hard work. It's painful. Anywhere that he has felt me giving an inch, he rushes in with another three or four things that he wants......it all comes down to him wanting to continue to rule and control my life. Give me space but not really. Say the words but stay present. And in our kids' lives, yes! In mine, no! And every email has to have a little dig at how he wants to be together. Rip off the bandage. Rip off the scab. Let me bleed. Hard to heal when he won't let me be on that front. He still wants what he wants.
And he pulled out the big guns with using his father. His dad will turn 80 this summer. And his dad has been kind to me. And I won't be going to TX for the party. And husband says that he doesn't know how his dad is going to take it (our separation) because he always liked me. And I want to say..."well, just tell him how lousy you treated me and allowed me to be treated." Just tell him what a jerk you've been....I edited to jerk out of kindness. ;) But it was used against me. "Look what you are causing." And it's true. I am stopping something that should have stopped a long time ago. I asked for it to stop. I begged. I explained. I wept. But he had no interest. None. Making it good had no place....until it became inconvenient for him. And suddenly, he wishes it were better. Wow? Really? Or just because it's about him? I think that the second is true. He wants what is good for him. And I am good at making him feel safe, secure, encouraged.Not lately though. And he wants that back. He wants that good part of me for himself. And that's just too bad.
I don't like that he has forced me into building a wall, but build it I will. Because, for now, I need to be safe and sheltered. I need to be cautious to whom I raise the gate. Not a hardened heart....a kept heart. By the Keeper of hearts. I will be safe. And he won't like it. But, he's going to have to adjust.
grace to you.
And yet, there is a part of me that is simply very thankful. I am thankful that I finally see. That I finally get it and know that it's NOT normal. That what I have been living through is not what should be expected of me. Not at all. That I have a right to expect peace. Calm. Acceptance. Kindness.
I'll tell you.........the emails are going to be tough right now. A lot to work through. A lot to figure out. Need to set dates. Plans. Money. It's hard work. It's painful. Anywhere that he has felt me giving an inch, he rushes in with another three or four things that he wants......it all comes down to him wanting to continue to rule and control my life. Give me space but not really. Say the words but stay present. And in our kids' lives, yes! In mine, no! And every email has to have a little dig at how he wants to be together. Rip off the bandage. Rip off the scab. Let me bleed. Hard to heal when he won't let me be on that front. He still wants what he wants.
And he pulled out the big guns with using his father. His dad will turn 80 this summer. And his dad has been kind to me. And I won't be going to TX for the party. And husband says that he doesn't know how his dad is going to take it (our separation) because he always liked me. And I want to say..."well, just tell him how lousy you treated me and allowed me to be treated." Just tell him what a jerk you've been....I edited to jerk out of kindness. ;) But it was used against me. "Look what you are causing." And it's true. I am stopping something that should have stopped a long time ago. I asked for it to stop. I begged. I explained. I wept. But he had no interest. None. Making it good had no place....until it became inconvenient for him. And suddenly, he wishes it were better. Wow? Really? Or just because it's about him? I think that the second is true. He wants what is good for him. And I am good at making him feel safe, secure, encouraged.Not lately though. And he wants that back. He wants that good part of me for himself. And that's just too bad.
I don't like that he has forced me into building a wall, but build it I will. Because, for now, I need to be safe and sheltered. I need to be cautious to whom I raise the gate. Not a hardened heart....a kept heart. By the Keeper of hearts. I will be safe. And he won't like it. But, he's going to have to adjust.
grace to you.
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