When I stop and look at where I've come from. What I've lived through. How much I've grown. How much I've learned. I am amazed by the great strides that it appears that I have taken. Because, in reality, those great strides were actually a thousand baby steps. Hundreds of little decisions. But, over time, they have added up to an amazing amount of progress. I am not where I want to be. But I am just where I need to be for this moment. It is a process. It takes loosening my grip on what I SHOULD be and how things SHOULD be and embracing how they actually are without fear. And then...going a step further to decide how they will be in the future.
I sense his growing tension these days. But I fear it less. Not because he is less volatile.....but because I have decided what I need. I have set my boundaries in the place where they really matter...my own mind and heart. I know what respect looks like. I know what I have a right to expect in a relationship. And I know I'm not out of my mind. I'm not being unforgiving nor petty. I am being realistic. I have had every right over the years to ask for better. But every time I did, I got a fight. Grievances could never be brought and respectfully handled. They always caused hours long fights. And, in the end, it always became about him and how I wasn't treating him well by making these "demands". I got in trouble for saying that we needed a separation. For once telling him that if he couldn't or wouldn't love me better then we should get divorced. It had begun about how he was unkind, but it ended with how evil I was for saying the "D" word. For threatening. I told him that I wasn't threatening. That I meant it. That it would be better. That at least then I wouldn't begin to hate him for how he continuously treats me.
It's only the beginning. But I fear less. I have taken great steps towards knowing what healthy looks like. Towards remembering who I am...outside of his wife. I am learning to love me again. And....in so doing....loving life and others better and more fully.
Life is so good. Full of beauty. Sad that I have to envision life without him in order to enjoy it fully. But, though it is sad, it is also true. And true beats faking it. I finally have a sense that I might not only make it. I might find that I have a wonderful, amazing and truly unique purpose. That thought.........excites me.
grace to you.
I sense his growing tension these days. But I fear it less. Not because he is less volatile.....but because I have decided what I need. I have set my boundaries in the place where they really matter...my own mind and heart. I know what respect looks like. I know what I have a right to expect in a relationship. And I know I'm not out of my mind. I'm not being unforgiving nor petty. I am being realistic. I have had every right over the years to ask for better. But every time I did, I got a fight. Grievances could never be brought and respectfully handled. They always caused hours long fights. And, in the end, it always became about him and how I wasn't treating him well by making these "demands". I got in trouble for saying that we needed a separation. For once telling him that if he couldn't or wouldn't love me better then we should get divorced. It had begun about how he was unkind, but it ended with how evil I was for saying the "D" word. For threatening. I told him that I wasn't threatening. That I meant it. That it would be better. That at least then I wouldn't begin to hate him for how he continuously treats me.
It's only the beginning. But I fear less. I have taken great steps towards knowing what healthy looks like. Towards remembering who I am...outside of his wife. I am learning to love me again. And....in so doing....loving life and others better and more fully.
Life is so good. Full of beauty. Sad that I have to envision life without him in order to enjoy it fully. But, though it is sad, it is also true. And true beats faking it. I finally have a sense that I might not only make it. I might find that I have a wonderful, amazing and truly unique purpose. That thought.........excites me.
grace to you.
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