It is hard for me to say exactly what I want or need. Hard for me to put myself "first". Really hard. But, I know that it's important. To sometimes listen to what I need and desire. To respond to how I feel. But what is bothering me is that no matter how many times I tell him that I need this time. That I don't know what will come. That I don't want to be married at this point. That I am too wounded to go on like this. That it makes me ill. That I need space. No matter how many times or how many ways.......it never sinks in. It always comes back to what he might get out of it all. How he wants things to be.
I absolutely shudder to saying yes to him living in the boys' room. Not because it's not a polite offer. If that were the point. But the point is that I need SPACE. Time away. Not running into him in the hall. Not having him act like I'm supposed to be behaving towards him in a certain way.
He is using so many things right now. It makes me ill. He is being more chummy with our one son. Especially in front of me. When people are around, he acts all like everything is normal.
But it's not. It's not ok. I'M not ok. And I don't know what to do so that I can get ok because he won't hear me. I don't know how to make him understand. I don't even care if he understands anymore, I just want him out. And the more he pushes, the less likely it is that I will ever recover. I say these words. I tell him how I feel. I tell him what has happened. Over and over and over and over and over and over. But he just keeps saying that he hopes that I'll forgive him and that our relationship will be healed. Right now, I need to heal. Me. My heart. My soul. My mind. My emotions. I need to dream again. To breathe again. I need to get out from under this constant, daily ordeal of trying so hard to be nice. It's wearing. I believe in being civil. In kindness. In politeness. But I need time away to actually know what I want in the long haul. Right now, I want a divorce. Without a doubt. I keep thinking...only four years until the kids are raised. But I don't want to wish those years away trying to get past it so that I can finally breathe. I want to savor them. To enjoy this phase of life.
And I'm not. And the damage he is doing is worse than ever. Because he won't hear me in my moment of greatest need.
And yet, I don't know how to keep answering the same question over and over again. I don't know what to do when he keeps throwing out problems with what I need. And how it just can't work. And how he is right to fight to stay here.
My poor brain. My poor heart. I have been through a lot. More than I can even begin to put to words. But he makes me feel like it's just stupid. And then he acts all nice. And it confuses me and makes me so crazy. I just want to live peacefully. I want to cook meals and eat with my kids. I want to be happy. And he makes me feel small for that. For allowing my feelings to have a part in my decision. But I am a "feeler". And a thinker....but I have to feel balanced. I have to feel safe. I have to feel loved.
It's a struggle. I want the struggling to end. I want to rest. I NEED to rest.
grace.
I absolutely shudder to saying yes to him living in the boys' room. Not because it's not a polite offer. If that were the point. But the point is that I need SPACE. Time away. Not running into him in the hall. Not having him act like I'm supposed to be behaving towards him in a certain way.
He is using so many things right now. It makes me ill. He is being more chummy with our one son. Especially in front of me. When people are around, he acts all like everything is normal.
But it's not. It's not ok. I'M not ok. And I don't know what to do so that I can get ok because he won't hear me. I don't know how to make him understand. I don't even care if he understands anymore, I just want him out. And the more he pushes, the less likely it is that I will ever recover. I say these words. I tell him how I feel. I tell him what has happened. Over and over and over and over and over and over. But he just keeps saying that he hopes that I'll forgive him and that our relationship will be healed. Right now, I need to heal. Me. My heart. My soul. My mind. My emotions. I need to dream again. To breathe again. I need to get out from under this constant, daily ordeal of trying so hard to be nice. It's wearing. I believe in being civil. In kindness. In politeness. But I need time away to actually know what I want in the long haul. Right now, I want a divorce. Without a doubt. I keep thinking...only four years until the kids are raised. But I don't want to wish those years away trying to get past it so that I can finally breathe. I want to savor them. To enjoy this phase of life.
And I'm not. And the damage he is doing is worse than ever. Because he won't hear me in my moment of greatest need.
And yet, I don't know how to keep answering the same question over and over again. I don't know what to do when he keeps throwing out problems with what I need. And how it just can't work. And how he is right to fight to stay here.
My poor brain. My poor heart. I have been through a lot. More than I can even begin to put to words. But he makes me feel like it's just stupid. And then he acts all nice. And it confuses me and makes me so crazy. I just want to live peacefully. I want to cook meals and eat with my kids. I want to be happy. And he makes me feel small for that. For allowing my feelings to have a part in my decision. But I am a "feeler". And a thinker....but I have to feel balanced. I have to feel safe. I have to feel loved.
It's a struggle. I want the struggling to end. I want to rest. I NEED to rest.
grace.
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