Left Hanging

For all of my marriage it seems that battles go like this:
If I have something to say, I say it.  A need.  A hurt.  Then, hours go by of how I'm unfair, didn't word it right, didn't think about it enough (ha...that's impossible for me) , am being unkind, am being unfair, am being hard hearted.  A game of twisting words ensues.  I am worn down.  I am absolutely at my most vulnerable and then he "gives in"....cries, apologizes, says he loves me.  And I am left having to be the one to make it right.  And, that happened today on a grander scale.  He responded well to my email.  Says he'll do it.  Even if he has to stay up late since he works so late, he will let me know ideas about church, kids etc.  And that he will look for a place to stay.  And I am left.....deflated?  Like I had to fight so hard.  Push so long.  Beg.  Plead.  Then it's just left for me to see how good he is being.
And....what I really realized was the other part of the story.  When he does that, when it is all over.  I fix it.  Normally, I would have said, "no, that's alright, you don't have to figure that out." or, "no need for you to stay up late after you worked."  But this time, though I did email back, I am letting him follow through.  I did say that I don't expect him to make all of the sacrifices.  That I don't expect that we have to go to different churches...though, I might end up needing to....that I am willing to be creative with how to meet the kids' needs.  I thanked him.  And I'll let him look for a place.  I didn't send him ideas.  Or links.  Though I have several that I've already looked at.  I'm used to being the protector/caretaker.  And I need not to be.  This is part of what needs to grow and change.  And he can do it.  I know he can.
I talked to someone today about doing furniture for her shop.  I like doing it.  And, with the house a place that I can function, I think that I could do it.  Not sure how fast I'll recover and feel up to it, but I have had the urge to do some furniture creating.  Seems like it is time.  And maybe it will provide me with some money too.   Right now I am just trying to be positive.  Trying to figure out how to provide for my family when the education I have is a couple of decades old.  But with subbing and perhaps a little test grading on the side, I think that I'll be ok.  I know that I've always been taken care of by my Father.  I guess a part of me is scared that He won't want to help me through this.  It's like I carry this baggage about whether He will still love me.  Though I've come to the place that I see how much deeper and greater His grace is than I can imagine or believe.  I still.......struggle with it.  Because I know that I do not in any way deserve it.  It is simply His gift to me.
So, he answered.  I am happy about it.  And have that left hanging feeling simply because I have had to give so much emotional, physical, spiritual and intellectual energy to the whole thing.  And then he just reverses.  It's something that messes with my brain.  And my heart.  But, at least now I recognize it.  And I can remind myself that it's not mine to fix.  Or explain.  Or even completely understand.  Mine is to get through this.  To learn again how to love the woman I am.  To give her a chance to sparkle.  Right now she feels pretty tarnished and shabby.  But the thing is....I always see the beauty in the tarnished silver.  It appeals to me.  So, I think that I will be able to be ok.
I do wish he wasn't coming here tonight.  It makes me antsy.  It's so very hard to go through this with him in the same house.  Killer.  Painful in a huge way.  But, if nothing else, I am learning how strong I am.
grace to you.