Alright, feels like my brain is going to explode. So much going on in there. Wish it would just get freed up. To rest. To relax. Went to grandson's birthday party. That was nice. His parents do an amazing job. But honestly, I just need time to not interact in my life. Where nothing is expected from me. Where I can not be in charge. Where I can just write and think and read and sleep. I know that my heart is hurting. Yet, it's like those needs get chronically pushed to the back burner. I made it through the party....then the kids want me to make queso....which I am currently doing. It IS the Super Bowl, you know. But it's like I can just barely keep up with it all. Not my norm. It is the dealing with reality. Not pushing the reality to the back means there's a lot to cope with all at once. And, I am able. I am strong. I know that I can.
I just need HIM to go away and let me get on with it!!! It's like constantly beating on a bruised area...doesn't really heal. Or stubbing your broken toe over and over. It hurts. It throbs. And the re-injuring hurts more and more intensely.
Now he is acting the pathetic part. I'm so mean to him. I'm not cooking FOR him. As in, with him in mind. I'm not looking after him or for him. I'm not doing what he wants. And he is moping. He is such a taker. like he sucks everything out of me and wants whatever anyone else has gotten as well. Never satisfied. Draining. I have tried to fill him up. But he has a leak. It's just like when you get one of those floaties for the little kids and it has a hole...you blow and blow, but it never firms up. It never floats. Never does what it needs to. It just keeps needing more and more air. And after awhile you feel light headed. I actually like filling others up. So, this feels like a massive failure to me. I like encouraging. Believing. Cheerleading. But it's never in return. It's always about him. I want him out of this house. But not enough money to put him in his own house. So, I think about just getting him out of the bedroom. But I know that it won't be enough. It would drive me crazy for him to be in this living room. It is "my" space. I love my windows. My view of the trees. I love my books and paintings. But I'm so tired of sleeping in it.
There's this huge weight. I don't know how to push it off. Like I'm responsible for making a separation/divorce work........aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! It's just like the marriage. It falls to me to deal with it. To believe it can work. He certainly won't. But he doesn't see how to make the marriage work either. He is stuck and I don't want to be stuck with him.
He doesn't cherish me. He doesn't care for me. He simply wants me to fill him up. To make life ok. And be there to blame when it doesn't.
Sooooo heavy. And he isn't adult enough to take some of the weight. He calls me irresponsible. He says that I don't understand about money or commitment or responsibility. But that's not true.
My book that I'm reading is helping. And digging around in painful places. I read while everyone was at church today. Then hid it away again.
I know he is getting angrier again. I know that confrontation is coming. And I tremble. I want to stop this merry go round. I WANT OFF!!!!!
grace to you.
I just need HIM to go away and let me get on with it!!! It's like constantly beating on a bruised area...doesn't really heal. Or stubbing your broken toe over and over. It hurts. It throbs. And the re-injuring hurts more and more intensely.
Now he is acting the pathetic part. I'm so mean to him. I'm not cooking FOR him. As in, with him in mind. I'm not looking after him or for him. I'm not doing what he wants. And he is moping. He is such a taker. like he sucks everything out of me and wants whatever anyone else has gotten as well. Never satisfied. Draining. I have tried to fill him up. But he has a leak. It's just like when you get one of those floaties for the little kids and it has a hole...you blow and blow, but it never firms up. It never floats. Never does what it needs to. It just keeps needing more and more air. And after awhile you feel light headed. I actually like filling others up. So, this feels like a massive failure to me. I like encouraging. Believing. Cheerleading. But it's never in return. It's always about him. I want him out of this house. But not enough money to put him in his own house. So, I think about just getting him out of the bedroom. But I know that it won't be enough. It would drive me crazy for him to be in this living room. It is "my" space. I love my windows. My view of the trees. I love my books and paintings. But I'm so tired of sleeping in it.
There's this huge weight. I don't know how to push it off. Like I'm responsible for making a separation/divorce work........aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!! It's just like the marriage. It falls to me to deal with it. To believe it can work. He certainly won't. But he doesn't see how to make the marriage work either. He is stuck and I don't want to be stuck with him.
He doesn't cherish me. He doesn't care for me. He simply wants me to fill him up. To make life ok. And be there to blame when it doesn't.
Sooooo heavy. And he isn't adult enough to take some of the weight. He calls me irresponsible. He says that I don't understand about money or commitment or responsibility. But that's not true.
My book that I'm reading is helping. And digging around in painful places. I read while everyone was at church today. Then hid it away again.
I know he is getting angrier again. I know that confrontation is coming. And I tremble. I want to stop this merry go round. I WANT OFF!!!!!
grace to you.
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