I have been too intense. It worries people around me. It's funny because in some ways, I am so much better than before, but by letting my feelings show, by talking about what is going on....well, it's not what people are used to with me. I am not used to it either. I like looking at the good. Living in the joyful moments. I am kind of a bummer right now. So....it's something that I can choose to change. I don't choose to hide. But I don't choose to be a constant, annoying drip either. Balance. My word. A gift for me...and for others.
I am strong. People are not used to seeing my complete weakness.
So many little things that I've hidden for so long. How hard it was to do so many things. And now....I don't make myself do them anymore. But all of this change shakes other people's lives as well. Consideration. Kindness. Understanding. These must be a part of the path that I walk. Along with learning that I can also be firm, decisive, and....I get to decide. Yes, balance.
I've swung too far in "sharing". In being open. It can hurt people. People who have their own things, own roads, own trials. I long to be empathetic. Loving. Right now, I feel surrounded by the immediacy of what I must do.
So, I must do it. I wish that someone could help me. That someone could get how hard this is. Serving papers will mean that he has ten days to respond. And if he is feeling "threatened"....then that means hard times for the kids and I. Because he is still here. But if I don't, it means that I have given in completely. I want to see what he has to write. But it has been two days. He wants to talk. He wants to convince me. He wants to make me empathetic towards him. And I just can't put myself in that vulnerable spot right now. And he doesn't respect that. Which is sad...but, not surprising. Because, if he did, chances are good that I wouldn't be to this point.
But, I must take a breath. Or at least try. And live more internal again. Because everyone doesn't need to experience the crap. I love them too much for that.
On to a good day....because tomorrow I leave for a nice trip to see my son. Gotta pack. Woot woot!
grace to you.
I am strong. People are not used to seeing my complete weakness.
So many little things that I've hidden for so long. How hard it was to do so many things. And now....I don't make myself do them anymore. But all of this change shakes other people's lives as well. Consideration. Kindness. Understanding. These must be a part of the path that I walk. Along with learning that I can also be firm, decisive, and....I get to decide. Yes, balance.
I've swung too far in "sharing". In being open. It can hurt people. People who have their own things, own roads, own trials. I long to be empathetic. Loving. Right now, I feel surrounded by the immediacy of what I must do.
So, I must do it. I wish that someone could help me. That someone could get how hard this is. Serving papers will mean that he has ten days to respond. And if he is feeling "threatened"....then that means hard times for the kids and I. Because he is still here. But if I don't, it means that I have given in completely. I want to see what he has to write. But it has been two days. He wants to talk. He wants to convince me. He wants to make me empathetic towards him. And I just can't put myself in that vulnerable spot right now. And he doesn't respect that. Which is sad...but, not surprising. Because, if he did, chances are good that I wouldn't be to this point.
But, I must take a breath. Or at least try. And live more internal again. Because everyone doesn't need to experience the crap. I love them too much for that.
On to a good day....because tomorrow I leave for a nice trip to see my son. Gotta pack. Woot woot!
grace to you.
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