Today is a cooking day. A thinking day. A resting day. And...a processing day. Though much of me is trying to avoid processing his note simply because I just want to enjoy my day, another part is trying to deal with it and put to words why it makes me so crazy.
He makes assumptions that I can't seem to get him past. That he won't acknowledge. That being in the same room is what the problem is...when it goes so much deeper than that. Being in the same place just simply adds to my constant stress in trying to cope. He constantly mentions that he hopes that we can get back together. I know what he's saying. I get it. But it is like he keeps turning what I need back around to him and what he wants.
He says that he wish that he would have stood up for me. That all he can do is ask forgiveness. But that is not true. He can live and change how he treats people that he says that he cares about. Just asking forgiveness or feeling badly....even when it IS genuine....it's not enough at this point. If it had happened earlier on without needing to go to such extreme measures and vast amounts of pain, then it might have worked. But as it is now, the time to heal is going to take however long it takes. And it's just too hard for me living in the same place. I do think about what he is asking. Sleeping in our boys' room. That seems more awkward than him sleeping in the family room. He wants to do that so that he can use their closet and bathroom. It seems inconsiderate to them.
I am having a really hard time dealing with the requests that I accommodate him. I know that isn't kind. I'm not proud of it. Yet, I just want for once to say what I want/need and have it be ok. I want for once for him to be the one inconvenienced, troubled. The one who goes out of his way to make what I need happen. I know it's not likely. But it's hard to say how hurtful it is that over and over I see how he just continually returns to what he wants. What he needs. What he thinks. Him. I don't figure into his equation. Oh, he wants me back. He is sorry that he didn't cherish me. But, isn't cherishing something that comes from deep inside? Isn't it regarding those whom we value? Esteem? And if we do, doesn't it follow that it shouldn't always be work and effort to show that cherishing?
I wish that I could snap my fingers and have him peacefully away for awhile. Would truly help my heart. Ok, what I really want is him gone without a date of when he is going to come back. Like..ever. I don't know if I would feel that way if he would have been able to give me the space and time to heal that I'd asked for. It has been a long time. It's not the first time I've asked. He says he's sorry that he didn't offer me the bedroom before.....of course, that only came after I pointed out how hard it is to live in a living room. How he lets me make the sacrifices to get what I need.
My empathy ties me to him. I easily understand how and why he feels as he does. But I have to break away enough from that emotional tie to allow myself some room. If my kids weren't here, I'd move. In a heartbeat. But for now, I have to plan for them.
grace to you.
He makes assumptions that I can't seem to get him past. That he won't acknowledge. That being in the same room is what the problem is...when it goes so much deeper than that. Being in the same place just simply adds to my constant stress in trying to cope. He constantly mentions that he hopes that we can get back together. I know what he's saying. I get it. But it is like he keeps turning what I need back around to him and what he wants.
He says that he wish that he would have stood up for me. That all he can do is ask forgiveness. But that is not true. He can live and change how he treats people that he says that he cares about. Just asking forgiveness or feeling badly....even when it IS genuine....it's not enough at this point. If it had happened earlier on without needing to go to such extreme measures and vast amounts of pain, then it might have worked. But as it is now, the time to heal is going to take however long it takes. And it's just too hard for me living in the same place. I do think about what he is asking. Sleeping in our boys' room. That seems more awkward than him sleeping in the family room. He wants to do that so that he can use their closet and bathroom. It seems inconsiderate to them.
I am having a really hard time dealing with the requests that I accommodate him. I know that isn't kind. I'm not proud of it. Yet, I just want for once to say what I want/need and have it be ok. I want for once for him to be the one inconvenienced, troubled. The one who goes out of his way to make what I need happen. I know it's not likely. But it's hard to say how hurtful it is that over and over I see how he just continually returns to what he wants. What he needs. What he thinks. Him. I don't figure into his equation. Oh, he wants me back. He is sorry that he didn't cherish me. But, isn't cherishing something that comes from deep inside? Isn't it regarding those whom we value? Esteem? And if we do, doesn't it follow that it shouldn't always be work and effort to show that cherishing?
I wish that I could snap my fingers and have him peacefully away for awhile. Would truly help my heart. Ok, what I really want is him gone without a date of when he is going to come back. Like..ever. I don't know if I would feel that way if he would have been able to give me the space and time to heal that I'd asked for. It has been a long time. It's not the first time I've asked. He says he's sorry that he didn't offer me the bedroom before.....of course, that only came after I pointed out how hard it is to live in a living room. How he lets me make the sacrifices to get what I need.
My empathy ties me to him. I easily understand how and why he feels as he does. But I have to break away enough from that emotional tie to allow myself some room. If my kids weren't here, I'd move. In a heartbeat. But for now, I have to plan for them.
grace to you.
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