It is completely true in life that I get to choose. How to live. What to believe. Who to trust. What to value. How to think. How to give. Where to live. What to eat. What to wear. But it is equally true that everyone else has his/her choice too. And sometimes those choices collide. They crash headlong into one another. In healthy relationships, they are resolved by communicating, by give and take, by EACH partner choosing at various times to set aside self some of the time. In unhealthy relationships, they are "resolved" by fear, intimidation, shame, guilt and often of ONE partner putting aside what he/she needs or wants every time. That's how it feels in my marriage. He very consistently gets his way by making it miserable for it to be any other way.
So. I didn't tell him that I had made arrangements to go get my son's car. I told him that I was going to do it. I told him that I want to have a separation and make my own decisions. But, last night I told him that I am going the weekend after our daughter's birthday to go get the car. The thing that makes him angry isn't that he doesn't know...it's that I no longer ask permission. I know that he is feeling out of control. I know that is where we are right now and what we have to get through. But it makes it really uncomfortable. Because, he has a routine. A cycle. A pattern. He works really hard at being nice. Asking questions of the children. Doing things that are considered good. But, if they do not bring him results, he begins to fume. To steam. To boil....and eventually, erupt. Right now, he knows that the marriage is on the line, so at this moment, the boiling time is taking longer than usual. It scares me for when he "goes off". Like a pressure cooker that gets clogged. The pressure becomes intense and when it finally releases, it causes a mess.
So, I get to choose. But in my choosing, there are consequences. Both good and bad. And I have to learn to discern which are the best for my total life. It's not easy at all. But it is healing. Taking my own responsibility. Whether he tries to turn things worse or not.I know that it would be easier in many ways if he left. If he walked out. He knows that too. And he won't make it easy. He isn't even making it kind He is going to have to show how "good" he is and how "bad" I am. I tremble at the thought. I am terrified at the prospect of the fallout. It's like I want to do everything to keep my kids feeling secure and safe. But I can really only do it if I can function. How I live right now is in the mode of waiting for him to leave the house or fearing when he will return. Meaning that I am never relaxed. Never comfortable. Never at ease. Not totally. Always living on alert. Always trying to figure out how to keep from making a total mess of things. Because I want away. I want HIM away. But not at ALL costs. I will not sacrifice my children. I will not sacrifice the innocent bystanders. But, I am learning that there are some things that I won't be able to keep from happening. I will have to allow my children to grieve, be angry, feel guilty, and whatever else they need to feel.....including relief. And that kills me. I have protected them for SO very long. From his ability to shame. Cause strife. I have worked hard to make him look good. What's funny is that they were telling me the other day that the perception of their friends at school is that he is scary...intimidating. I never knew that. Kids are pretty smart.
I do get to choose. That is what makes it all so painful.....because my choices do not occur in a vacuum. But, I will pray and move forward. I think maybe that it's time for me to declutter my house and to think of selling it. Really think of it.
grace to you.
So. I didn't tell him that I had made arrangements to go get my son's car. I told him that I was going to do it. I told him that I want to have a separation and make my own decisions. But, last night I told him that I am going the weekend after our daughter's birthday to go get the car. The thing that makes him angry isn't that he doesn't know...it's that I no longer ask permission. I know that he is feeling out of control. I know that is where we are right now and what we have to get through. But it makes it really uncomfortable. Because, he has a routine. A cycle. A pattern. He works really hard at being nice. Asking questions of the children. Doing things that are considered good. But, if they do not bring him results, he begins to fume. To steam. To boil....and eventually, erupt. Right now, he knows that the marriage is on the line, so at this moment, the boiling time is taking longer than usual. It scares me for when he "goes off". Like a pressure cooker that gets clogged. The pressure becomes intense and when it finally releases, it causes a mess.
So, I get to choose. But in my choosing, there are consequences. Both good and bad. And I have to learn to discern which are the best for my total life. It's not easy at all. But it is healing. Taking my own responsibility. Whether he tries to turn things worse or not.I know that it would be easier in many ways if he left. If he walked out. He knows that too. And he won't make it easy. He isn't even making it kind He is going to have to show how "good" he is and how "bad" I am. I tremble at the thought. I am terrified at the prospect of the fallout. It's like I want to do everything to keep my kids feeling secure and safe. But I can really only do it if I can function. How I live right now is in the mode of waiting for him to leave the house or fearing when he will return. Meaning that I am never relaxed. Never comfortable. Never at ease. Not totally. Always living on alert. Always trying to figure out how to keep from making a total mess of things. Because I want away. I want HIM away. But not at ALL costs. I will not sacrifice my children. I will not sacrifice the innocent bystanders. But, I am learning that there are some things that I won't be able to keep from happening. I will have to allow my children to grieve, be angry, feel guilty, and whatever else they need to feel.....including relief. And that kills me. I have protected them for SO very long. From his ability to shame. Cause strife. I have worked hard to make him look good. What's funny is that they were telling me the other day that the perception of their friends at school is that he is scary...intimidating. I never knew that. Kids are pretty smart.
I do get to choose. That is what makes it all so painful.....because my choices do not occur in a vacuum. But, I will pray and move forward. I think maybe that it's time for me to declutter my house and to think of selling it. Really think of it.
grace to you.
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