Enabler

I have frequently been accused of being an enabler.  Funny how I can be.  And yet, how much I totally am not.  With my kids, I am strong.  I expect them to carry what is age appropriate, to do what is honorable, to show respect, to own it when they mess up.  I don't enable bad behavior.  And, with one of my friends, I am accused of being an enabler....because I am willing to wait on her.  But, what others don't know is that it's not enabling, it's balance.  Our friendship has a balance of what we give and take.  Not equal.  Not in the way that some would measure.  We don't get each other coffee the same amount of times.  We don't do the same number of favors.  It's different than that.  It is about sensing need.  About meeting what feeds the soul.  And for each of us, those are different things.  I am perfectly willing to "do" for her and she is perfectly willing to give what I need.  It is healthy and fine.  But, I've come to realize that I have enabled bad behavior from my husband.  I didn't create the bad behavior.  I didn't make him selfish.  But, on the other hand, I could have said no earlier.  It's just that in a marriage, it's as if I've had to "make it work."  And finally, all of these years later, I'm wondering if anyone can really "make" a relationship work.  It works when two people mutually respect one another.  When they are mutually willing to hear and see and do.  Otherwise, it becomes one person carrying the load while the other walks happily along...until the one gets too weary to do it.In our case, it's worse than that because not only was I supposed to carry the load, I got to hear how I was doing it wrong while carrying it.
I want to keep the part of me that enjoy bringing pleasure to others.  Not simply pleasing.  Different than that.  Knowing people.  Seeing what brings them pleasure and joy and peace deep within.  And being willing to go there.  To give that.  I like that about me.  No, I can't make everyone happy.  But, bringing happiness to others does bring me joy.  I like it.
Yet...it's all about balance.  Yep.  My word of the year.  Balance.  Not equal.  Not "fair".  But balanced.  You can't measure it.  But you know when all is balanced.  The world stops spinning.  The pain stops.  Rest is easier.  Smiles are genuine.  Tears still come, but not all of the time.  Those relationships that are balanced are precious.  And while most relationships have to be cultivated, I'm beginning to think that I've been trying to grow something that isn't really there in my marriage.  It's impossible to grow sunflowers with dandelion seeds.  So, I will not enable the destructive behavior anymore.  Nor excuse it.  Nor keep feeling like somehow it's my responsibility.  It's not.  Period.  I smile as I write it.  I know me.  It's going to be a lot harder than that.  But, I can use the words.  I can speak them to myself.  I can grow strong enough.  I am growing strong enough.  I deserve kindness in my life.  And it's sad that that simple thought amazes me.  Shocks me.  That it feels so novel.  When it should be so basic.  How sad for me.  The woman I am deserves  to actually expect that.  Wow.  I'll keep you posted.
grace to you.