Jason Gray sings the song "Remind Me Who I Am". Every time I hear it, I turn it up and I remember. I soak it up. I have suffered. I am hurting. My body is exhibiting the hurts of my emotional pain. And I don't know how to reconcile it all.
My kids are at home with their dad while I traveled. And they are running out of food. And that makes me so very sad. Painfully so. Though I know that it's true. He will do anything to make a point. He was mad that I was going. He will allow our kids to suffer to make his point. That hurts me more than anything he can do to me or say to me....and those things cut deeply. Maybe I needed this day. To be "stuck" again. To remember exactly how it has always been. How sad. I remember the first time when the kids were really little and he had them for the evening and hadn't made sure that they had something to eat......and somehow this was my fault.....I hadn't told him what to do. I was furious. And said so. Told him he had kids and he was a parent and that HE was also responsible for feeding them. If that meant a trip to the store or McDonald's or whatever. He had to figure it out. But he doesn't figure it out. He likes to be a victim. Likes to make it that he doesn't have what he needs.
He has made me feel so badly about me. It's important for me to remember not to be angry but to be strong. To remember who I am. Who I really am. Not before him. But in reality. And in reality I have good things. And I have bad things. I have gifts. I have weaknesses. I make good decisions. And I make bad decisions. But I have to learn again to live able to forgive myself. I have a really hard time now. I fight against it. For awhile I had given in. Had fallen so far into believing the bad about me that I forgot to be nice to me. To believe in me. That I was created with purpose. And that the purpose is beautiful. Even though I am not perfect. I don't have to be. And I can't keep trying to please.There's only One who deserves that kind of attention in my life. My husband is not my God.
I just heard on klove radio....."practice random acts of courage". It's going to take great courage for me to go on the path that I need to walk. But I do need to walk it. I want to be a witness. An example to the greatness of a God who loves. That cares and makes good even of my great weakness. I want to walk forward with a separation to please God??? That sounds crazy to me churched self. And yet, it is definitely the direction He is pushing me. That I keep coming back to. And I find it terribly strange. Yet every door that opens goes that way.
I somehow bought into his beliefs about me and took them as my own. And it is WORK to change it. Hard work. Very hard work. Learning to get out from under that cloud. Learning to believe again in what I choose for me. For my kids. I hurt for them today. How dare he treat them with such disregard? How dare he make THEM feel as if they aren't worth more than that?
They are. I am. He doesn't get to choose that.
grace to you.
My kids are at home with their dad while I traveled. And they are running out of food. And that makes me so very sad. Painfully so. Though I know that it's true. He will do anything to make a point. He was mad that I was going. He will allow our kids to suffer to make his point. That hurts me more than anything he can do to me or say to me....and those things cut deeply. Maybe I needed this day. To be "stuck" again. To remember exactly how it has always been. How sad. I remember the first time when the kids were really little and he had them for the evening and hadn't made sure that they had something to eat......and somehow this was my fault.....I hadn't told him what to do. I was furious. And said so. Told him he had kids and he was a parent and that HE was also responsible for feeding them. If that meant a trip to the store or McDonald's or whatever. He had to figure it out. But he doesn't figure it out. He likes to be a victim. Likes to make it that he doesn't have what he needs.
He has made me feel so badly about me. It's important for me to remember not to be angry but to be strong. To remember who I am. Who I really am. Not before him. But in reality. And in reality I have good things. And I have bad things. I have gifts. I have weaknesses. I make good decisions. And I make bad decisions. But I have to learn again to live able to forgive myself. I have a really hard time now. I fight against it. For awhile I had given in. Had fallen so far into believing the bad about me that I forgot to be nice to me. To believe in me. That I was created with purpose. And that the purpose is beautiful. Even though I am not perfect. I don't have to be. And I can't keep trying to please.There's only One who deserves that kind of attention in my life. My husband is not my God.
I just heard on klove radio....."practice random acts of courage". It's going to take great courage for me to go on the path that I need to walk. But I do need to walk it. I want to be a witness. An example to the greatness of a God who loves. That cares and makes good even of my great weakness. I want to walk forward with a separation to please God??? That sounds crazy to me churched self. And yet, it is definitely the direction He is pushing me. That I keep coming back to. And I find it terribly strange. Yet every door that opens goes that way.
I somehow bought into his beliefs about me and took them as my own. And it is WORK to change it. Hard work. Very hard work. Learning to get out from under that cloud. Learning to believe again in what I choose for me. For my kids. I hurt for them today. How dare he treat them with such disregard? How dare he make THEM feel as if they aren't worth more than that?
They are. I am. He doesn't get to choose that.
grace to you.
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