Whenever I get stronger, feel better, he is more confronting. He can't stand it. Last night, he got home late...as usual. I was reading a book. My one son and I had made crepes for dinner. There were some left. I had made up the last ones so that I could wash the bowl....and because another son was STILL hungry. (as usual). So, he comes home and eats and comes to tell me thank you for cooking for him. Instead of saying "I didn't cook for you," I say, "sure"....before remembering that I'm not allowed that response. I am supposed to say you are welcome. He stands there in a confronting manner and says, "I said thank you." And I say "sure". I could not bring myself to say you're welcome. Because he is not. But he tried to force me into it. This meant that he had to intrude in my space as much as possible. He startled me awake when I was reading my book. He deared me to death. And at midnight, I don't know what he was up and about doing since he had gone to bed nearly two hours before....but, it scared me awake and I had trouble getting back to sleep.
HOWEVER, though it ended up a rough night. Though I feel like being stronger paints a bulls eye on my chest. I don't regret it. I am glad to be figuring out that I'm done. I am glad that he doesn't control me.
I was freaked out last night though....knowing that he could actually hurt me. But it didn't make me feel compliant. It made me feel determined to get him out. To be without him. It made me sure that I need a room with a door. That I need to feel safe. That there is a reason that I don't...even if I can't quite reason out why. I should trust who I am. I "get" things. I am not dense. I have given him the benefit of the doubt for too long. I have assigned good attributes to him when he did things that were hurtful....I played the part of the willing victim. I took the role of being to blame. I WAS the one who said divorce. I WAS the one who obviously couldn't keep him happy. I WAS the one who tried to talk about what was wrong and that made him have to fight back. NOT. I didn't do it wrong. I gave every effort to make things good. Excellent. I didn't want just a piece of paper that said that we were still married. I wanted a healthy, vibrant marriage with two people trekking towards being the greatest that God had made them to be. But he didn't. He wanted nothing except for me to meet his needs. To be his scapegoat. To fill whatever it is inside of him that is unfillable. And he believes that is what marriage is. I did 90% of child rearing. And what he did, he always did with the attitude that he was doing it for me.....and I had to tell him what to do. What to feed them. I had to make the plan. I was still in charge of it. Oh, he knew how to say the words, "it's not babysitting when it's my own kids." But it meant nothing. He DOES play with them. It makes it kind of like having another kid. He fights and competes and hurts feelings. It's crazy. I'm NOT his mother. I don't need to be.
So, I'm stronger. I'm not willing to live there anymore. I'm willing to know that my kids will be ok. If not perfect, then still knowing that life can go on after pain. But I feel that target on my chest. He is getting angrier. More frustrated. Because he can't control me. Because I won't try to be "married" anymore. Because I meant what I said and am not apologizing for wanting out. Because he deserves better. Because I'm not treating him nicely. Because I am not making an effort. Because I have.....changed my mind.
I'm done. Period. End of story. He's not nice. He has not given to me in any meaningful ways that have helped me to grow or feel confident or safe. I deserved that. I deserved a partner. Got someone I needed to fix things for. To keep things on an even kelter so he didn't freak. I needed someone who saw me. Not in relationship to him. As a person. Who didn't push me away and tell me to find others to talk to and then proceed to be jealous. Who didn't use me for his own pleasure without regard for mine.
I had a right to expect more. I kept lowering my expectations thinking that it wasn't my job to change him or to judge or to make waves. He got away with so much. Honestly....I should have kicked his butt out a long time ago when I told him that I was done.
But what this time has done is make me strong. It has made me sure. It has given me clarity and certainty. It has helped me to find my own voice.
Being a target beats being a doormat. At least I'm upright and functioning. One step at a time. It will change. I think that he's going to be.........really angry. As I've not seen before. However, he could use his other face......depressed and hurtful to self. We'll see. But I'm ready for it. I can send him to get help either way. But I am no longer willing to be that help.
I got stronger when I could finally tell myself that I'm done without shame.
grace.
HOWEVER, though it ended up a rough night. Though I feel like being stronger paints a bulls eye on my chest. I don't regret it. I am glad to be figuring out that I'm done. I am glad that he doesn't control me.
I was freaked out last night though....knowing that he could actually hurt me. But it didn't make me feel compliant. It made me feel determined to get him out. To be without him. It made me sure that I need a room with a door. That I need to feel safe. That there is a reason that I don't...even if I can't quite reason out why. I should trust who I am. I "get" things. I am not dense. I have given him the benefit of the doubt for too long. I have assigned good attributes to him when he did things that were hurtful....I played the part of the willing victim. I took the role of being to blame. I WAS the one who said divorce. I WAS the one who obviously couldn't keep him happy. I WAS the one who tried to talk about what was wrong and that made him have to fight back. NOT. I didn't do it wrong. I gave every effort to make things good. Excellent. I didn't want just a piece of paper that said that we were still married. I wanted a healthy, vibrant marriage with two people trekking towards being the greatest that God had made them to be. But he didn't. He wanted nothing except for me to meet his needs. To be his scapegoat. To fill whatever it is inside of him that is unfillable. And he believes that is what marriage is. I did 90% of child rearing. And what he did, he always did with the attitude that he was doing it for me.....and I had to tell him what to do. What to feed them. I had to make the plan. I was still in charge of it. Oh, he knew how to say the words, "it's not babysitting when it's my own kids." But it meant nothing. He DOES play with them. It makes it kind of like having another kid. He fights and competes and hurts feelings. It's crazy. I'm NOT his mother. I don't need to be.
So, I'm stronger. I'm not willing to live there anymore. I'm willing to know that my kids will be ok. If not perfect, then still knowing that life can go on after pain. But I feel that target on my chest. He is getting angrier. More frustrated. Because he can't control me. Because I won't try to be "married" anymore. Because I meant what I said and am not apologizing for wanting out. Because he deserves better. Because I'm not treating him nicely. Because I am not making an effort. Because I have.....changed my mind.
I'm done. Period. End of story. He's not nice. He has not given to me in any meaningful ways that have helped me to grow or feel confident or safe. I deserved that. I deserved a partner. Got someone I needed to fix things for. To keep things on an even kelter so he didn't freak. I needed someone who saw me. Not in relationship to him. As a person. Who didn't push me away and tell me to find others to talk to and then proceed to be jealous. Who didn't use me for his own pleasure without regard for mine.
I had a right to expect more. I kept lowering my expectations thinking that it wasn't my job to change him or to judge or to make waves. He got away with so much. Honestly....I should have kicked his butt out a long time ago when I told him that I was done.
But what this time has done is make me strong. It has made me sure. It has given me clarity and certainty. It has helped me to find my own voice.
Being a target beats being a doormat. At least I'm upright and functioning. One step at a time. It will change. I think that he's going to be.........really angry. As I've not seen before. However, he could use his other face......depressed and hurtful to self. We'll see. But I'm ready for it. I can send him to get help either way. But I am no longer willing to be that help.
I got stronger when I could finally tell myself that I'm done without shame.
grace.
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