I had very little sleep. And I tried to hide behind my computer after I got ready in the bathroom, behind a closed door. I took a shower last night to avoid the fact that after I went out for awhile and it was late, I came home to him in the living room where I sleep playing his singing part on the piano. I basically hid out in the bathroom until he finally went to the bedroom and closed the door. Then I was awake forever. Too much to think about. I woke up early as well. And, I would have gone back to sleep but about then he was up and I had gotten up to use the bathroom. He offered me breakfast. I declined. I "hid" behind my computer.....like I was saying. But, he showed up. Gave me a run down of what he would be accomplishing today. Walked away. I took a little breath. Then he came back and sat down on the couch. Asked me if I had gotten his note. I said yes and that I was thinking about it. I told him that he had taken 11 days to get it to me and that I deserved some time to think it over.
I realized what bothered me when I woke up this morning. About his note, I mean. It's that it does not address in any way what I have been asking for. His offer, his big sacrifice....doesn't address how to have boundaries. How to let me feel separated. It doesn't indicate that he would give me time alone. Where he would eat. Who would cook his meals. It doesn't address church. Nor events. It doesn't give me time. It doesn't give me what I have asked for. At all. It simply gives me a bedroom to hide in. But what if I actually want to live? To heal? To not be wondering if he's outside the door. Or if he's in bed yet. Or if I can go spend time freely with the kids. If I can sit in my living room and enjoy a book without him coming and destroying my peace. His offer makes him a tad uncomfortable but gains me very little.
You know, I was realizing this morning if when I had managed to get out what I really needed...when I put it to very clear words.....IF he had heard me and made a plan and DONE something about it. I actually might have been able to feel differently eventually. But his choice is to keep pushing. This morning is record. Now it's taxes. And giving it to him instead of sending it on to my step mom. He says since she is kind enough to do it for free.....yikes. What a mooch.
gotta go. he's driving me absolutely over the edge.
grace.
I realized what bothered me when I woke up this morning. About his note, I mean. It's that it does not address in any way what I have been asking for. His offer, his big sacrifice....doesn't address how to have boundaries. How to let me feel separated. It doesn't indicate that he would give me time alone. Where he would eat. Who would cook his meals. It doesn't address church. Nor events. It doesn't give me time. It doesn't give me what I have asked for. At all. It simply gives me a bedroom to hide in. But what if I actually want to live? To heal? To not be wondering if he's outside the door. Or if he's in bed yet. Or if I can go spend time freely with the kids. If I can sit in my living room and enjoy a book without him coming and destroying my peace. His offer makes him a tad uncomfortable but gains me very little.
You know, I was realizing this morning if when I had managed to get out what I really needed...when I put it to very clear words.....IF he had heard me and made a plan and DONE something about it. I actually might have been able to feel differently eventually. But his choice is to keep pushing. This morning is record. Now it's taxes. And giving it to him instead of sending it on to my step mom. He says since she is kind enough to do it for free.....yikes. What a mooch.
gotta go. he's driving me absolutely over the edge.
grace.
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