Well, I get to wake up and then go back to sleep. I get to choose. I have a door on my room. Pillows and blankets on a BED. I have so rarely slept in a bed in nearly two years that people would be shocked. It's a wonderful thing. People take it for granted....feeling comfortable....feeling safe.....feeling accepted. I don't. I know what it feels like to constantly have to wonder what is coming next. I know how it feels to be kept off center....given a sense that you are not enough...BUT that you have to stay because that is right. I know how it feels to not have a place....even in my own home. And because I know....it has changed me. It has shown me how to give to people. It has shown me what I need to do to get back to a place in life where I feel safe. Where I don't have to practice breathing, but rather, I breathe.
That seems pathetic in some ways. There are parts of me that wish that I had never gotten to this point. That I had left much sooner. Yet, I had to grow in my own time. I had to give as many opportunities as possible. I don't give up easily. I like that about me. So I will just realize that with that comes the consequence of sometimes being misused by others. That's ok, it always brings the pleasure of seeing people grow and learn and become amazing people. It also gives me the chance to do the same.
Working on not regretting the past. There's this part of me that wonders why I stayed after he told me he was ashamed. And why I believe the false apologies. And why I allowed it to keep on cycling. It just took me a long time to define it. I remember calling it a "rut"...a "habit".....I remember knowing that there was never a time that I could just talk to him reasonably about anything that really bothered me without a battle....without being guilted, having my words twisted, his crying, his feeling put upon. And, occasionally, after hours, he would manage to apologize if I didn't give in. As a last ditch effort. But by then...it didn't mean anything. It was a moot point. He had already torn me down. Shown me how little he respected me. By then, it became a way to make me feel obligated to "forgive"....which in his terms means forgetting what had happened. And I bought into it. I believed that is how I was supposed to be.
And now I don't.
And that makes him mad. Makes him sad. Makes him........unsure. Because he no longer is in control. And he continually tries to "reason" me back to his way of thinking. "Why have I decided after all of this time?" "Why won't I forgive?"
And you know, his questions are many but they finally have showed me something......he doesn't take any responsibility for the past behavior. He still wants to take all of that time and make a last ditch apology and have me fall over in thankfulness and forget about it.
The fact that I won't.........he holds that against me.
I get it now. Finally. And that in itself has freed me.
My book says that some people free themselves a little at a time. Trips. Learning. Getting away. That's me. I've been leaving for a long time. Before I could even say why. And I remember the horrible of feeling of when I had to go back to him....it was never joyous. I never got it. And now I do.
I celebrate all of the now I dos." Because I have grown. Because I am courageous. Because I am a decent and kind person. For those who take the time...I am a good friend.
I am not like everyone else. I'm simply me. And finally I am remembering how much I love her.
blessings.
That seems pathetic in some ways. There are parts of me that wish that I had never gotten to this point. That I had left much sooner. Yet, I had to grow in my own time. I had to give as many opportunities as possible. I don't give up easily. I like that about me. So I will just realize that with that comes the consequence of sometimes being misused by others. That's ok, it always brings the pleasure of seeing people grow and learn and become amazing people. It also gives me the chance to do the same.
Working on not regretting the past. There's this part of me that wonders why I stayed after he told me he was ashamed. And why I believe the false apologies. And why I allowed it to keep on cycling. It just took me a long time to define it. I remember calling it a "rut"...a "habit".....I remember knowing that there was never a time that I could just talk to him reasonably about anything that really bothered me without a battle....without being guilted, having my words twisted, his crying, his feeling put upon. And, occasionally, after hours, he would manage to apologize if I didn't give in. As a last ditch effort. But by then...it didn't mean anything. It was a moot point. He had already torn me down. Shown me how little he respected me. By then, it became a way to make me feel obligated to "forgive"....which in his terms means forgetting what had happened. And I bought into it. I believed that is how I was supposed to be.
And now I don't.
And that makes him mad. Makes him sad. Makes him........unsure. Because he no longer is in control. And he continually tries to "reason" me back to his way of thinking. "Why have I decided after all of this time?" "Why won't I forgive?"
And you know, his questions are many but they finally have showed me something......he doesn't take any responsibility for the past behavior. He still wants to take all of that time and make a last ditch apology and have me fall over in thankfulness and forget about it.
The fact that I won't.........he holds that against me.
I get it now. Finally. And that in itself has freed me.
My book says that some people free themselves a little at a time. Trips. Learning. Getting away. That's me. I've been leaving for a long time. Before I could even say why. And I remember the horrible of feeling of when I had to go back to him....it was never joyous. I never got it. And now I do.
I celebrate all of the now I dos." Because I have grown. Because I am courageous. Because I am a decent and kind person. For those who take the time...I am a good friend.
I am not like everyone else. I'm simply me. And finally I am remembering how much I love her.
blessings.
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