I had the greatest weekend. I felt...invincible. Good. Strong. Connected. Able. And then I began the journey to head home. And...this worry began in me. But, I kept fighting it back. Reminding myself that I can be strong. That I can do so much. That I have shown over and over courage when others don't even see or know what is happening. But, still....that unrest was there. And then HE texted. No big deal, right? Yeah, I told myself THAT too. But it didn't really feel that way. It felt like being suffocated. Drowned. Traumatized. I can't even begin to explain why. Maybe because he suddenly intruded, uninvited, into my serene place. And I knew that I had to go back. That he is going to try to "talk" to me about his plan....after I asked him to WRITE. Hes' an editor/journalist......how hard could it be to jot it down in an email?
But in my heart I know that he doesn't really want to "talk". He wants to convince me that I am wrong. That I need to stay....or rather, let him stay.
And yesterday, with all out vengeance, my body rebelled. The stress got me. I don't know what it was...that pain that was as intense as any labor I've ever had.....right in my back under my shoulder blade. I mean...bad pain. Not a twinge. A gripping, "I can't shake this nor pretend that I'm fine" pain. That's unusual. I hurt often. Stress does do that....but, most of the time, I cope just fine. Not this time. I didn't drive. I didn't pretend it was fine. It was AWFUL.
And I realized that there is something that I am going to have to remember on this journey. I am fragile. I am much like a recovering addict....I need to keep myself surrounded my my "group"....I need to do my "work"....I need to nearly daily review why I am where I am and what I can do about it. Though I am strong, much of my strength is in the ability to know that just glorying in a moment of courage will not sustain. Reading books. Talking to people....and this is still very hard. Being open. Writing every day. Listening when I am scared, traumatized, nervous....and not diminishing those feelings. They ARE THERE.....and I don't have to stuff them back in. Instead, I can look at why.
For instance, I remember the first time that I went away with the kids without him. And even way back then, I remember having the same doubtful feelings when I was supposed to be returning. The uneasiness. It's not new. It's my ACKNOWLEDING it and giving it validity that is new. Every single time that I return to "him".......I tense up. I am scared. My whole body tightens. At this moment, I am having trouble typing the words as my arms draw in and my fingers curl. I am scared just thinking about it.
And I don't know how to talk about it. He will make it about him. What he did "for" me. How I wasn't there. He had some way of saying things to make me feel lousy. And...also....I won't have a place again. No bed. No room. No time to just rest.
I really liked this weekend. It was good for me to see what I can pursue for my future. But even in this moment I can feel the twinge in my gut/back. I need to take care of me.
As I drove today I just wanted to scream. He has hurt me so badly. I just wanna be done so badly.
Not sure my body can survive the drama and trauma. And he will be sure to bring it on.
grace to you.
But in my heart I know that he doesn't really want to "talk". He wants to convince me that I am wrong. That I need to stay....or rather, let him stay.
And yesterday, with all out vengeance, my body rebelled. The stress got me. I don't know what it was...that pain that was as intense as any labor I've ever had.....right in my back under my shoulder blade. I mean...bad pain. Not a twinge. A gripping, "I can't shake this nor pretend that I'm fine" pain. That's unusual. I hurt often. Stress does do that....but, most of the time, I cope just fine. Not this time. I didn't drive. I didn't pretend it was fine. It was AWFUL.
And I realized that there is something that I am going to have to remember on this journey. I am fragile. I am much like a recovering addict....I need to keep myself surrounded my my "group"....I need to do my "work"....I need to nearly daily review why I am where I am and what I can do about it. Though I am strong, much of my strength is in the ability to know that just glorying in a moment of courage will not sustain. Reading books. Talking to people....and this is still very hard. Being open. Writing every day. Listening when I am scared, traumatized, nervous....and not diminishing those feelings. They ARE THERE.....and I don't have to stuff them back in. Instead, I can look at why.
For instance, I remember the first time that I went away with the kids without him. And even way back then, I remember having the same doubtful feelings when I was supposed to be returning. The uneasiness. It's not new. It's my ACKNOWLEDING it and giving it validity that is new. Every single time that I return to "him".......I tense up. I am scared. My whole body tightens. At this moment, I am having trouble typing the words as my arms draw in and my fingers curl. I am scared just thinking about it.
And I don't know how to talk about it. He will make it about him. What he did "for" me. How I wasn't there. He had some way of saying things to make me feel lousy. And...also....I won't have a place again. No bed. No room. No time to just rest.
I really liked this weekend. It was good for me to see what I can pursue for my future. But even in this moment I can feel the twinge in my gut/back. I need to take care of me.
As I drove today I just wanted to scream. He has hurt me so badly. I just wanna be done so badly.
Not sure my body can survive the drama and trauma. And he will be sure to bring it on.
grace to you.
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