Marriage took away "me" time. I don't do the things I would normally do when I am around my husband. The little primping things. Nails. Eye brows. Face masks. The little things that feel so good. I'm always on edge. Always running. Always closed down. Retreating.
I realize it when I'm away. Like this weekend. Face mask. Nails filed and buffed. Toe nails painted. Legs shaved. Nice long shower/bath. Little things. But things that show me that I'm relaxed. Comfortable. At ease.
Not rushed. Getting away. Struggling.
I have lived like that for so very long. Finally seeing the differences in how I behave is helping me. A lot. I am becoming more and more comfortable knowing that I can't live with that stress anymore.
I need me. One plus one will always make two....quote from Leo Buscalgia. And each one brings something to make a marriage more. Better. Fuller. And continually grows. And learns. Not in my case. I was supposed to become......him. Or at least simply an offshoot. But I am not. I am one. Always.
I can JOIN, but I cannot meld. I have to remain myself. And if he loved me.. .really for real loved me....then he would want that. Sadly.....he doesn't. He regards it as selfish. He mopes when I do things for me. He grouses. He grumps. And that's too bad. Because I was worth keeping.
And I'm worth rediscovering. It has been a hard but good adventure!
On to more adventures!
grace.
I realize it when I'm away. Like this weekend. Face mask. Nails filed and buffed. Toe nails painted. Legs shaved. Nice long shower/bath. Little things. But things that show me that I'm relaxed. Comfortable. At ease.
Not rushed. Getting away. Struggling.
I have lived like that for so very long. Finally seeing the differences in how I behave is helping me. A lot. I am becoming more and more comfortable knowing that I can't live with that stress anymore.
I need me. One plus one will always make two....quote from Leo Buscalgia. And each one brings something to make a marriage more. Better. Fuller. And continually grows. And learns. Not in my case. I was supposed to become......him. Or at least simply an offshoot. But I am not. I am one. Always.
I can JOIN, but I cannot meld. I have to remain myself. And if he loved me.. .really for real loved me....then he would want that. Sadly.....he doesn't. He regards it as selfish. He mopes when I do things for me. He grouses. He grumps. And that's too bad. Because I was worth keeping.
And I'm worth rediscovering. It has been a hard but good adventure!
On to more adventures!
grace.
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